Perfect y2k food? (not for the serious) : LUSENET : TimeBomb 2000 (Y2000) : One Thread

How about fruit cake? It seems ideal as it lasts forever , we have had one floating around as a Christmas present since 1952. You could keep on bartering it too.

-- Sue (, November 19, 1998


Yeah! Fruitcakes might make excellent "weapons" too. You could knock out marauders most mercilessly with them, then re-use them for barter, paperweights, whatever. Wow, I thought our 1965 fruitcake was an "oldy but goody"; you got us beat...1952 LOL :-) We use ours as a doorstop. Bobbi

-- Bobbi (, November 19, 1998.

Fruitcakes as weapons?????

Reminds me of an old Monty Python sketch which taught self defense against an attack from those armed with FRESH FRUIT.

John Cleese, the self defence instructor, gives his pupils different types of fruit and shows how to defend against each.

The first pupil, brandishing a banana, was shot.

Another, attacking with a strawberry, had a 10 ton weight dropped on his head.

I think it ended with a guy with a mango being eaten by a tiger.

The moral of my story:

Fruitcakes may make great offensive weapons. But don't use fresh fruit. There are simply too many people knowledgable in the art of defending against fresh fruit attacks.

-- Craig (, November 19, 1998.

Chuckles. Somewhere in there is a potential story for "Washington apple takes a big byte out of Y2K!"


-- Diane J. Squire (, November 19, 1998.

Or "Y2K takes a byte out of the Big Apple" (for we New Yorkers)

-- pshannon (, November 19, 1998.

LOL. Reminds me of a Garfield (TV) cartoon. Jon got a fruitcake from an aunt for Christmas. It's probably been about a year since my kids had it on, but as I recall, the fruitcake turned out to be a UFO or some such silliness. But great thread - now I know what to do with that freezer burned whatever in the bottom of the deep freeze, keep it frozen and use it for catapult in Y2k.

-- Tricia the Canuck (, November 19, 1998.

As an expert in the consumption of food I understand fully the scope and magnatude of the issues surrounding Fruitcake and the implications of utilizing such bakery goods for self-defense.

While I believe the theory behind the Fruitcake defense is viable I must point out that there are ONLY a few Fruitcakes which are constantly being repackaged and regiven every holiday season. Therefore, I must point out that there is ALREADY a Fruitcake shortage and we may be looking at a self-fulfilling prophecy and a run on this bakery item if this theory becomes public knowledge.

Please, I urge with the utmost intensity, do NOT hoard any Fruitcakes this holiday season. The very system of fractional reserve supply and demand of this bakery good could falter under a lack of confidence if the intended victim, uh, I mean Fruitcake receiver is left without hope of actually receiving the gift.

There simply are not enough Fruitcakes in the world for everyone. Actually, there aren't even enough Fruitcakes for all the fruitcakes that would like the wield them in anger or self defense.

Thank you for your thoughtful consideration of this matter.

Mike =======================================================

-- Michael Taylor (, November 19, 1998.

Could it then be said, that 'Homer "fruitcake" Simpsons' favourite expression is "Dough".

-- Craig (, November 19, 1998.

Doing my BEST Homer Simpson impression:


-- Donna Barthuley (, November 19, 1998.

This thread upsets me greatly. I love fruitcakes. The bakery kind and the human kind.

-- Chris (, November 19, 1998.


What about Halloween and Easter candy? I've still got Halloween candy from '97! And there always seems to be one of those chocolate Easter bunnies hoppin' around the house for a few months.

I think there's still a 12 year old piece of cake from my wedding in the freezer too!

-- Buddy (DC) (, November 19, 1998.

There can be no fractional reserve system failure with respect to fruitcakes.

This is because it is impossible to divide them into fractions. They are wholes, not unlike donuts, which are not holes either, but the net effect is the same, unless one is trying to count the holes in the net. Which is gross, but not a gross net, which would either have 12 holes in the net or have 12 nets in the holes. But net holes (like donuts) are not there, so there can be no holes in donuts. Therefore they must be bagels.

These are also indestructible.

After which time it is necessary to question whether or knot there is a net disorder or a gross disorder in the hole thing.

-- Robert A. Cook, P.E. (Kennesaw, GA) (, November 19, 1998.

Robert, have you never had donut holes? Whoah, now there's a good missile when stale!

-- Buddy (DC) (, November 19, 1998.

We can't divide them but we can put 'em together. I hear the Great Pyramid needs a capstone. Hmmmm.

-- Robert Michaels (, November 19, 1998.

Oh my gosh!!! Dunkin' Donuts Donut Holes.....

This whole thread is cracking me up....ROFLMAO....The fractional reserve of fruitcakes...YES LOL.

Chris,..only way around your squeamishness is to make your own fruitcake and store it in a midnight garden.

Big smiles for everyone!

If they weren't so valuable for food, I'd consider pinto beans and a slingshot,...or a crossbow.

-- Donna Barthuley (, November 19, 1998.

I went to the (Collin Street Bakery) "fruitcake factory" in Corsicana, Texas, about 3 weeks ago, and I can tell you that fruitcakes are ALIVE and well. (both kinds, Chris!)

And, speaking of donuts, I am so excited! Krispy Kreme donuts are finally coming to Texas. Yea!!! :-)

-- Gayla Dunbar (, November 19, 1998.

A three man sling shot could launch a fruitcake with enough force to kill depending on the age of the fruitcake. This is a close range weapon to be used as a last resort. "Janes" lists several different makers of fruitcake manufacturers. The Geneva Convention will not allow the use of fruitcakes in war, but for private self-defense situations you are allowed.

-- Bill (, November 19, 1998.

Hey Gayla- we just got a Krispey Creme in town last week!!! I was going to make a comment here on the forum about it reminding me of what y2k may be like; you know long lines and traffic back-ups from people trying to get in there; but I was to busy eating those deliciously sinful(uh-oh,no religious threads please)donuts!!

-- madeline (, November 19, 1998.

At the local latte shop they have a sinfully delish' pumpkin muffin with white raisins that I'd kick a few shins to hang on to.

I'll happily give away any fruitcakes to the local food bank. My pumpkin muffys will be "horded" for at least the one day it takes to inhale them.


-- Diane J. Squire (, November 19, 1998.

what is the average shelf life of a fruitcake? I'm thinking about stocking up. Oh, and what is the best way to soften the fruitcake after say 10 or 15 years? Are we talking hammer and chisel or simply soaking the fruitcake for a few days in water? Will the water still be drinkable after the few days? I need answers...

Oh, and Gayla, ssshhhh! You don't want to give away the secret about the realy fruitcake supply. You know, they're like diamonds. If De Beers released the tens of millions of diamonds they have in their vaults and flood the market the value drops to nothing over night.

I figure now that I understand the real diversity of a fruitcake as both food and weapon they will make excellent barter material.

Mike =============================================================

-- Michael Taylor (, November 20, 1998.

C'mon y'all, everybody who's ever dropped a fruitcake on their foot is well aware of value of them as weapons (fruitcakes, I mean). What we need to explore is the magnificant diversity of this wondrous item disguised as food... I mean, what if Greybear is right and everybody is polite and generous after Y2K? We who have stockpiled (oooo, the 's' word!!!) fruitcakes will need other ways to use them.

I'll start. Has anyone considered the great potential of the fruitcake as a building material? Many are round of course, but many are brick shaped, and can easily be used wherever bricks would be the first choice (it may not be a well known fact, but fruitcakes that have been aged 1 year or more are completely fireproof). Using fruitcakes as bricks would also provide a way to utilize the leftover cream of wheat you might have lying about. It has been clinically proven that cream of wheat left in bowls will harden to an indestructible binding material.

Now, who's next?

-- Arewyn (, November 20, 1998.

What floating around in Formaldehyde, better to cremate it. No I think "Gentleman's Relish" (anchovy paste) would last for years.

-- Richard Dale (, November 20, 1998.

What is "latte", a sort of coffee bean, Kenyan, Mocha-Mysore or something?

-- Richard Dale (, November 20, 1998.

Richard, it's Itallian.

I think the fruitcake house, rather than a straw bale house, might have some merit as a four-legged food attractor. How does it react to rain? Enquirer headline: "Y2K'er Buried Under Fruitcake Avalanche!"


-- Diane J. Squire (, November 20, 1998.

What Italian dark roast beans (eg for expresso)?

If so just bought some.

-- Richard Dale (, November 20, 1998.

Mike said "what is the average shelf life of a fruitcake? I'm thinking about stocking up. Oh, and what is the best way to soften the fruitcake after say 10 or 15 years? Are we talking hammer and chisel or simply soaking the fruitcake for a few days in water? Will the water still be drinkable after the few days? I need answers..."
Turn your fruitcake into a Whiskey Cake, pour whiskey on it then store it in a sealed tin container. Whiskey will serve as preservative and taste a lot better than soaked in water ;)
I got a whiskey cake as present one Christmas, opened and ate it 6 months later and it was very good :)

-- Chris (, November 20, 1998.

Richard, "cafe latte" is the italian version of "cafe au lait". Very popular here in the US, as opposed to the regular french cafe and italian espresso, because Americans prefer what the French call "sock juice", weak coffee with cream or milk and sugar.

-- Chris (, November 20, 1998.

Buddy (DC), most wedding cakes are - you guessed it - fruitcakes. Like a lot of Y2k food, they're very nutricious, also loaded with calories. And using brandy (or whiskey as Chris suggested) to soften them makes them tolerable to eat! Throw some my way. No this is not another nefarious Canadian scheme to take over the States, that issue is already settled (you just hadn't heard yet).

-- Tricia the Canuck (, November 20, 1998.

Hey Mike, from the posts here it sounds like fruitcakes have unlimited shelf-life!

What about beef jerky? You can almost knock somebody out with a Slim Jim even when it's new.

-- Buddy (DC) (, November 20, 1998.

I'm really into the "using fruitcakes as building materials" idea. And I think that it would only be natural to build insane asylums (mental health rehabilitation centers?) using those fruitcake bricks!

Fruitcake buildings to house fruitcake people!!

-- pshannon (, November 20, 1998.

I wonder if a fruitcake house is flame retardant? Dump whiskey on it, light, sing songs? Will it still stand when the flames are gone? Will you still be standing from all the released whiskey fumes?


-- Diane J. Squire (, November 20, 1998.

Would you care if you were still standing?

Would you notice if you fell down?

-- Robert A. Cook, P.E. (Kennesaw, GA) (, November 20, 1998.

Then that settles it for me. I have neatly reduced my stockpile list to fruitcakes and whiskey.

Whiskey's good for all ills, you can even numb a toothache with it. It can be used in lieu of anesthesia, if I'm in need of surgery on my apendice, or to do surgery on someone else's other apendice. I bet a flame-thrower can be made as weapon with it too, to add to my fruitcake weapon arsenal.

All the time saved from stockpiling nightmare, oh my! What to do with all this time now? I'm running out of limericks...

-- Chris (, November 20, 1998.

For those of you who are pondering on hoarding fruitcakes to use as weapons - rather ammunition for that age old and infalliable weapon "the slingshot" - I would think twice. I recently read an on-line article (although the exact location escapes me now) that the government is cracking down on these very dangerous, potentially lethal combo. On the agenda for Congress this year is a bill that would require the registrations of every slingshot bought and sold in the U.S. Additionally, you will have to wait several days before you get to take your prized possession home. No automatic slingshots. (Anyone have any ideas to motorize them?) To help maintain control, they will be guarding our borders to ensure that no illegal trading occurs. My friends, I'm fear that fruitcake purchasing too, will soon be monitored.

-- Christine A. Newbie (, November 20, 1998.

***"Is a fruitcake house flame retardant?"***

***"Would you care if you were still standing?

Would you notice if you fell down?"***

I'm laughing so hard I can barely see...ROFLMAO...oh..and the "automatic slingshots!!!!" ROFL

What I have wondered is the insulation rating of fruitcake? Is it UL approved...? Better Homes and Gardens rated? If you stick eletrodes in it can you recharge nicad batteries?

"They're coming to take me away, haha,...they're coming to take me away the happy home with trees and flowers and chirping birds, and basket-weavers that sit and smile and twiddle their thumbs and toes,...and they're coming to take me away hahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!"

-- Donna Barthuley (, November 20, 1998.


You've uncovered the "perfect" renewable weapon -- automatic slingshots! They potentially grow on every tree! Finally, something the government can't "control." Still need to stockpine fruitcakes and whiskey -- care to join the underground FRL Fruitcake Resistance League?


-- Diane J. Squire (, November 21, 1998.

Krispy Kreme rules,,,,,dont it????? oh my gosh i just love the hot glazed ones with the COld milk..... BTW....I can Not believe ya all started a froi, on the nastiest food on earth, the dreaded "fruitcake". But it reminds me of a true story, A friend had left over yellow cake on top the frigerator, we were all bud smokers back then and allways had munchies. Well, one friend came in looked at cake pulled it off top of frige and began to eat it. He said "Man this is good cake but how did ya all get the mint into it?' What mint? "Well the green stuff in there is mint right?"

Uh no, green is MOLD. oh yuckie....he had already eaten it. So perhaps bud smokers WILL survive? heck they eat anything. better than having a dog around.

BTW, i never inhaled.

-- fromme (, November 21, 1998.

Diane - I would love to join the FRL. In fact, I was contemplating forming a similar group. Now I won't have to. I don't have to go through any initiation do I? I keep fruitcakes around for ammo only - I would prefer not to taste test my ammo.

-- Christine (, November 21, 1998.

Bud smokers?

I'll have you know this is a serious forum discussion about survival issues. There is no room for frivolous chit-chat about impossible things.

Get real

Last time I saw anybody try to smoke a Bud the fire went out immediately. No if's. No and's. No butt's. It was out cold before the smoke even got out of the can.

Now, the guy who picked up that beer can and took a big swig sure got hot. Boy was he was steaming!

-- Robert A. Cook, P.E. (Kennesaw, GA) (, November 21, 1998.

Fruitcake Resistance League (FRL) Presidential Decision Directive 63

It has long been the policy of the FRL to assure the continuity and viability of critical infrastructures which bring us fruitcake. President Deedah (incumbant) intends that the FRL will take all necessary measures to swiftly eliminate any significant vulnerability to both physical and cyber attacks on our critical infrastructures, including especially our fruitcake supply lines. No later than the year 2000, the FRL shall have achieved an initial operating capability and no later than five years from the day the President signed Presidential Decision Directive 63 the FRL shall have achieved and shall maintain the ability to protect our nation's critical fruitcake infrastructures from intentional acts that would significantly diminish the abilities of:

the FRL to perform essential national security missions and to ensure the general public has quality fruitcake;

state and local FRL branches to maintain order and to deliver minimum essential numbers of fruitcakes;

Any interruptions or manipulations in the supply and quality of fruitcakes must be brief, infrequent, manageable, geographically isolated and minimally detrimental to the welfare of the FRL.

-- Robert Michaels (, November 21, 1998.

ROFLMAO! You are all tooo funny!! Robert, now that fruitcake is officially recognized as a weapon, all us fruitcakes can carry it protected by the Constitution, right?

-- Tricia the Canuck (, November 22, 1998.

Tricia, Tricia, Tricia -

You just don't understand. The Constitution will protect our rights to carry fruitcakes only if they are wrapped properly - concealed fruitcakes and all that stuff is different.

But if the fruitcake is wrapped under the General protection clause when carried, properly disarmed - though it is hard to a carry a lethal fruitcake properly wrapped without arms - then the Constitution will protect the bearer from all harm both foreign and domestic - but the fruitcake might still get wet when local rains fall on it.

So therefore, to protect your fruitcake, wrap it in the Constitution so you have the right to bear it, but then unwrap it so it isn't a concealed fruticake, then ....

-- Robert A. Cook, P.E. (Kennesaw, GA) (, November 22, 1998.

Robert, chuckles. What would the indecency exposure charges be if we all unwrapped our fruitcakes publicly?

Christine, never met a fruitcake I voluntarily taste tested. Always did so just to be polite.

Back to building my fruitcake bunker, and stockpiling whiskey wanna- bees.

-- Diane J. Squire (, November 22, 1998.

Speaking of bees, are they attracted by fruitcake? This is another possible benefit of using fruitcake bricks. Honey in Y2K is a great barter item, and if your home attracts a swarm - you've got it made (or is that mead?)

-- Tricia the Canuck (, November 23, 1998.

I thought it was time for us FRLians to remember our roots ;-)

-- Tricia the Canuck (, March 16, 1999.

How wonderful to see again the birth of the FRL!!! Thanks Tricia!!! Vive La Guerre!

-- Donna Barthuley (, March 16, 1999.

Nostalgia overtook me...had to pull out this ol' thread again, Tricia ;-) just hit me that a woman named Sue started all this...go figger...always thought it was Rob ;-)

-- Chris (%$^&^, July 30, 1999.


so good to see you back, Chris!

-- flora (***@__._), July 30, 1999.

What happened to Chris' catsy? It got her tongue for a while, but to be banished ... ?

-- Ashton & Leska in Cascadia (, July 30, 1999.


This is a fruitcake thread in sheeps clothing eh? Some of you just got to get your fix **VBG**

-- Brian (, July 30, 1999.

OH NO!!!!


I feel so humbled to be a part of it now.

-- Brian (, July 30, 1999.

Ah, Brian, welcome to the fruitcake loop! We long-time FRLians enjoy certain rites of freedom and communication you may find enjoyable indeed ;^)

-- Ashton & Leska in Cascadia (, July 31, 1999.

Oh my gosh! I had forgotten all about this thread. I was thinking Rob started it all, too! A BIG cyber hug to Chris, oh most worthy opponent!! Welcome back!!!!!!! :-)

-- Gayla (, July 31, 1999.


It seems funny that my first posts to a fruitcake thread would be on the original.

Going to have a beer and think about the implications.

Don't they put rum in good fruitcake?

Some have more OP than others I think *VBG*

-- Brian (, July 31, 1999.

But of course many stacked fruitcake lobs are soaked and then sun-hardened using rum as sealant. Enough time and they'll even bounce like superballs. Boing!

-- Ashton & Leska in Cascadia (, July 31, 1999.

Thanks for the memories, Chris! I think I'm gonna go find the other FC threads, laughter is good for the soul.

Welcome to FRL1, Brian. The nuts just add flavour, here.

Speaking of nuts, I've always thought it strange that we so rarely get trolls on FC threads - I'd have thought that destroying enjoyment was their prime motivation, if they were typical trolls... Perhaps they're just unaware how important it is to find humour when Y2K gets overwhelming. May you all feel underwhelmed this weekend!

-- Tricia the Canuck (, July 31, 1999.


This is interesting as the trolls would not care about fruitcakes. Being 1000% compliant there is little to flame.

On the other hand the virtues of a Fruitcake as a doorstop (or sliced up for hockey pucks?) could be debated for years.

Really though I have no idea of the subculture of fruitcakeness, the subject of food drew me into the fruitcake "nuttyness" and I may be trapped.

My sanity is now in question.

-- Brian (, July 31, 1999.

Python's "Self Defense Against Fresh Fruit"

Colonel (Graham Chapman): get some discipline into those chaps, Sergeant Major!

Sargeant (John Cleese, shouting throughout): Right sir! Good evening, class.

All (mumbling): Good evening.

Sargeant: Where's all the others, then?

All: They're not here.

Sgt.: I can see that. What's the matter with them?

All: Dunno.

Chapman (member of class): Perhaps they've got 'flu.

Sgt.: Huh! 'Flu, eh? They should eat more fresh fruit. Ha. Right. Now,

self-defence. Tonight I shall be carrying on from where we got to last

week when I was showing you how to defend yourselves against anyone who

attacks you with armed with a piece of fresh fruit.

(Grumbles from all)

Palin: Oh, you promised you wouldn't do fruit this week.

Sgt.: What do you mean?

Jones: We've done fruit the last nine weeks.

Sgt.: What's wrong with fruit? You think you know it all, eh?

Palin: Can't we do something else?

Idle (Welsh): Like someone who attacks you with a pointed stick?

Sgt.: Pointed stick? Oh, oh, oh. We want to learn how to defend ourselves

against pointed sticks, do we? Getting all high and mighty, eh? Fresh

fruit not good enough for you eh? Well I'll tell you something my lad.

When you're walking home tonight and some great homicidal maniac comes

after you with a bunch of loganberries, don't come crying to me! Now,

the passion fruit. When your assailant lunges at you with a passion


All: We done the passion fruit.

Sgt.: What?

Chapman: We done the passion fruit.

Palin: We done oranges, apples, grapefruit...

Jones: Whole and segments.

Palin: Pomegranates, greengages...

Chapman: Grapes, passion fruit...

Palin: Lemons...

Jones: Plums...

Chapman: Mangoes in syrup...

Sgt.: How about cherries?

All: We did them.

Sgt.: Red *and* black?

All: Yes!

Sgt.: All right, bananas.

(All sigh.)

Sgt.: We haven't done them, have we? Right. Bananas. How to defend yourself

against a man armed with a banana. Now you, come at me with this

banana. Catch! Now, it's quite simple to defend yourself against a man

armed with a banana. First of all you force him to drop the banana;

then, second, you eat the banana, thus disarming him. You have now

rendered him 'elpless.

Palin: Suppose he's got a bunch.

Sgt.: Shut up.

Idle: Suppose he's got a pointed stick.

Sgt.: Shut up. Right now you, Mr Apricot.

Chapman: 'Arrison.

Sgt.: Sorry, Mr. 'Arrison. Come at me with that banana. Hold it like that,

that's it. Now attack me with it. Come on! Come on! Come at me!

Come at me then! (Shoots him.)

Chapman: Aaagh! (dies.)

Sgt.: Now, I eat the banana. (Does so.)

Palin: You shot him!

Jones: He's dead!

Idle: He's completely dead!

Sgt.: I have now eaten the banana. The deceased, Mr Apricot, is now 'elpless.

Palin: You shot him. You shot him dead.

Sgt.: Well, he was attacking me with a banana.

Jones: But you told him to.

Sgt.: Look, I'm only doing me job. I have to show you how to defend

yourselves against fresh fruit.

Idle: And pointed sticks.

Sgt.: Shut up.

Palin: Suppose I'm attacked by a man with a banana and I haven't got a gun?

Sgt.: Run for it.

Jones: You could stand and scream for help.

Sgt.: Yeah, you try that with a pineapple down your windpipe.

Jones: A pineapple?

Sgt.: Where? Where?

Jones: No I just said: a pineapple.

Sgt.: Oh. Phew. I thought my number was on that one.

Jones: What, on the pineapple?

Sgt.: Where? Where?

Jones: No, I was just repeating it.

Sgt.: Oh. Oh. I see. Right. Phew. Right that's bananas then. Now the

raspberry. There we are. 'Armless looking thing, isn't it? Now you,

Mr Tin Peach.

Jones: Thompson.

Sgt.: Thompson. Come at me with that raspberry. Come on. Be as vicious as

you like with it.

Jones: No.

Sgt.: Why not?

Jones: You'll shoot me.

Sgt.: I won't.

Jones: You shot Mr. Harrison.

Sgt.: That was self-defence. Now come on. I promise I won't shoot you.

Idle: You promised you'd tell us about pointed sticks.

Sgt.: Shut up. Come on, brandish that raspberry. Come at me with it. Give

me Hell.

Jones: Throw the gun away.

Sgt.: I haven't got a gun.

Jones: You have.

Sgt.: Haven't.

Jones: You shot Mr 'Arrison with it.

Sgt.: Oh, that gun.

Jones: Throw it away.

Sgt.: Oh all right. How to defend yourself against a redcurrant -- without a


Jones: You were going to shoot me!

Sgt.: I wasn't.

Jones: You were!

Sgt.: No, I wasn't, I wasn't. Come on then. Come at me. Come on you weed!

You weed, do your worst! Come on, you puny little man. You weed...

(Sgt. pulls a lever in the wall--CRASH! a 16-ton weight falls on Jones)

Jones: Aaagh.

Sgt.: If anyone ever attacks you with a raspberry, just pull the lever and the

16-ton weight will fall on top of him.

Palin: Suppose there isn't a 16-ton weight?

Sgt.: Well that's planning, isn't it? Forethought.

Palin: Well how many 16-ton weights are there?

Sgt.: Look, look, look, Mr Knowall. The 16-ton weight is just _one way_ of

dealing with a raspberry killer. There are millions of others!

Idle: Like what?

Sgt.: Shootin' him?

Palin: Well what if you haven't got a gun or a 16-ton weight?

Sgt.: Look, look. All right, smarty-pants. You two, you two, come at me then

with raspberries. Come on, both of you, whole basket each.

Palin: No guns.

Sgt.: No.

Palin: No 16-ton weights.

Sgt.: No.

Idle: No pointed sticks.

Sgt.: Shut up.

Palin: No rocks up in the ceiling.

Sgt.: No.

Palin: And you won't kill us.

Sgt.: I won't.

Palin: Promise.

Sgt.: I promise I won't kill you. Now. Are you going to attack me?

Palin & Idle: Oh, all right.

Sgt.: Right, now don't rush me this time. Stalk me. Do it properly. Stalk

me. I'll turn me back. Stalk up behind me, close behind me, then in

with the redcurrants! Right? O.K. start moving. Now the first thing

to do when you're being stalked by an ugly mob with redcurrants is to --

release the tiger!

(He does so. Growls. Screams.)

Sgt.: The great advantage of the tiger in unarmed combat is that he eats not

only the fruit-laden foe but also the redcurrants. Tigers however do

not relish the peach. The peach assailant should be attacked with a

crocodile. Right, now, the rest of you, where are you? I know you're

hiding somewhere with your damsons and prunes. Well I'm ready for you.

I've wired meself up to 200 tons of gelignite, and if any one of you so

much as makes a move we'll all go up together!

Right, right. I warned you. That's it...


-- yerfdog (, October 05, 1999.

Jesus Christ, Thank The Heavens, we are still are safe and sound, in the year 2003. Hear my sound. I went before you, i laid up provisions, I even went through the laying down of a well. How dare you speak, of something you do not understand? So Sue, how=about tomorow, you quote the perfect fruit cake? You were most stupid, the minute, you were born. Everyone knows, a fruit cake is nothing shorter, than your own Grandma. I project, we are nothing more, than Serfs, with the winds of war,around us, how better , to seek the enrichmemt? I, Connie, do not hate you, nor any of your Kin. Do You Hear me? I wish no harm on your country, nor village, Well, this is my story. and it has not been fun.Though, not much/, I wish you Well, from whatever Country, you come hence.

-- Fool hardy (My, January 07, 2003.

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