Karl satire

greenspun.com : LUSENET : 1998 Guam Elections : One Thread

The following is an ironical SATIRE dedicted to the man who's "STILL THE ONE."

Hi everyone, I'm Carl Gutierrez, your so-called governor. For the past four years, Madeline and I have abused our powers as Governor and Lieutenant Governor. I have used my power as Governor, to prevent my Son Tommy Gutierrez, of whom EVERY SINGLE INTELLIGENT PERSON ON THIS ISLAND KNOWS DOES DRUGS, from being prosecuted by the proper authorities. This also worked out for my daughters Carla and Hannah. As Governor, I have made JJ MOVING, WHICH OF COURSE IS OWNED BY MY WIFE GERI'S NEPHEW, THE OFFICIAL MOVERS AND TOWERS FOR GOVGUAM. Also, as your Governor, I have hired all my close relatives and family for top-paying positions, which include my SISTER - EVELYN GUTIERREZ YBARRA ($65,000/YR)

MY FIRST COUSIN - FRANKLIN GUTIERREZ(DPR)

MY COUSIN - RALPH W. GUTIERREZ (GIAA BOARD OF DIRECTORS)

BUDDING GUTIERREZ - AT THE GOVERNOR'S OFFICE

ANN GUTIERREZ - GUAM FINANCE COMMISION

and many others that I don't have time at the moment to mention. In addition, I have paid each of my 3 secretaries over $50,000.00/YEAR to assist in trying to hide the corruption that I've done. I have messed with the political parties on Guam, and have given favors to people on the other side to get your votes. One such, is my Pare' former Senator Tommy Tanaka. Tommy owed GEDA hundreds of thousands of dollars, SO I ERASED HIS DEBT IN EXCHANGE FOR HIS SUPPORT. In addition, I unfairly awarded the MILLIONS DOLLAR SCHOOL BUS STOP CONTRACTS, by not releasing a sealed bid for the project. In addition, I HAVE TAKEN YOUR HARD EARNED TAX DOLLARS, AND PAVED THE DRIVEWAYS OF THOSE INDIVIDUALS THAT I WANT TO RECEIVE VOTES FROM. Also, my dear people of Guam, I like to claim that there is a deficit, HOWEVER, I HAVE TAKEN THE LIBERTY OF HIRING MORE THAN 3,000+ INDIVIDUALS, EVEN MORE VOTES FOR ME! I have given numbers of people FREE POWER POLES, PAYED BY THAT 4% INCREASE I MANDATED ON YOUR TAXES BY GPA. In addition, I can't even BUY TEXTBOOKS FOR YOUR CHILDREN, BECAUSE I'VE ALREADY SPENT GOOD MONEY ON THOSE DARN ASPHALT DRIVEWAYS. Also, DURING MY ADMINISTRATION, WE HAVE THE HIGHEST UNEMPLOYMENT RATE IN HISTORY. Because I became governor, the Drug Entrepreneurs of Guam have rejoiced, because I screwed the law enforcement of Guam, and this allowed for more competition among drug dealers, and for the price of ICE to drop from $1,000.00 to only $200.00 per gram, ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU CALL VALUE! Also, prior to becoming Governor, I was the reigning Chairman of Ways and Means. I passed the budgets for the 21st/22nd Guam Legislatures, WHICH OF COURSE WERE THE MOST EXPENSIVE IN HISTORY. Because of the millions of tax dollars I misappropriated, I was able to make sure that the legislature had OVER 600 EMPLOYEES for only 21 senators. I DID THIS ALL IN A TIME, WHEN WE REALLY NEEDED THOSE HARD-EARNED TAX DOLLARS TO GO TO ENDING LOADSHEDDING. BUT I LIKE TO THINK THAT IT WAS JOE'S FAULT, BUT IT REALLY WAS ALL MINE. In addition, GovGuam was on the verge of have "Payless Paydays." This is attributed to the fact that I WAS THE ONE WHO PASSED THE GOVGUAM BUDGETS AND SIPHONED MORE MONEY INTO THE LEGISLATURE INSTEAD OF GOVGUAM. Also, during my tenure as Chair of Ways and Means, I was indicted for rape charges. I ADMITTED TO HAVING SEX WITH MY UNDERAGE NIECE MISSY TORRES, WHILE TAKING TRIPS TO SAIPAN, WHICH OF COURSE WAS PAID FOR BY NONE OTHER THAN GOVGUAM. Even prior to this, back in 1985, I BACKSTABBED MY BEST FRIEND IN THE ENTIRE WORLD, WHO OF COURSE PUT HIS TOTAL TRUST IN ME, The Late Mr. Ricky J. Bordallo, BY REPORTING HIS DIRTY DOINGS TO THE FEDS AND LATER CELEBRATING OVER CHAMPAGNE AND A PARTY. Hey, what can I say, I LEARNED FROM THE BEST. Later on, I teamed up with "BARBIE DOLL" Bordallo for the governorship, AFTER ALL, IT'S HER WHOM YOUR VOTING FOR, NOT ME. So please, I humble ask for your vote so that I can continue "HELPING MYSELF WITH GOVGUAM FUNDS."

P.S. YOU BETTER VOTE FOR ME, OR I WILL GUARANTEE A LOSS OF YOUR JOB, OR MAYBE MY CRONIES WILL GIVE YOU A CALL FOR A DEATH THREAT.

Sincerely, The Honorable Carl T.C. Gutierrez / "BARBIE DOLL" Bordallo

Remember my dear people of Guam, it's not "Your Still The One." but it's "YOUR STILL CORRUPT"

-- Mr. I Am So Corrupt (mr.corruptionist@govguam.com), October 19, 1998

Answers

Response to VOTE FOR ME, OR I'LL GIVE YOU DEATH THREATS

ada camacho beacuse "you're still the two"

-- eric paulino leon guerrero (eleonguerrero@hotmail.com.), October 20, 1998.

Dear People of Guam,

I would like to thank my partner in crime, The Honorable Karl T.C (True Crime) Gutierrez for helping me through the years of helping myself here on this lovely island. I truly believe in Chamorros. Remember "One year two years, hey whatever it takes." You heard me right at UOG, "One year two years whatever it takes for us to put Chamorro language in the school." And in regards to talking about schools I just can't wait for the next Special Olympics to happen so I can go out there and encourage everyone to hurry up. Its not like I have all day down there, luckily I was there to complain about it taking too long. I even pissed off some haoles and even heard some remarks like "Who does this lady think she is?" I would also like to point out that when students saw me at their science fair in JFK last year that my concern wasn't how hot they were but if any sweat was capable of coming out of me. Some students actually thought I was a robot. THEY DON'T KNOW I'M KARLS BARBIE DOLL. How silly. People ask how can I forgive Karl for what he did to my late husband Ricky. I say "Forgive." Like how we forgave that rapist and gosh darnnit if anyone raped my daughter or Karls daughter, we'll pardoned them too. Thats right pardon anyone that rapes someone close to me or Karl, I mean we're no different than her parents. BIBA THE PARDON, BIBA THE PARDON. I say lets move foward. See how me, Karl, the Ssgros, and the Kalvos are moving foward. Lets all move together as one big happy family. A good family. I mean look at my family aren't they your natural wonderful family. I know my grandaughters a bit wild, being that I never really raised her, or her mom was in reahab most of the time but look how mature and wonderful she's gotten. I was there for all the pictures though. I mean even though my cousin really worries about her, because she begged to me to guide her through school, I still make time to worry about her.Do I know how to raise a family? Of course I do. So does Karl looks at his family, you see that rose tattoed on one of his daughter that is a sign of beauty. And his son is such a wonderful chemist, and his oldest daughter completely outspoken. Even his illegatimate son in Yona is such a wonderful person. What is all this family criteria relevant too? Well how you raise your family is almost indefinetly how you will lead. I say vote for us. Not because of all the wonderful things we've done like split our children in schools. Dividing them between gates. Hey who cares? I mean no one took time out to look into their eyes and see what really mattered. This is not about them this is about us. Us, us, us. Hey I'm your Barbie girl and remember Karl is not the only one that can get you in the government. So can I. And for all you people out there gossiping that Karls part of the Phillipine Mafia, Knock it off. I mean its not like he's the only one.

SO VOTE FOR US, "WERE STILL THE ONE, THE ONLY ONE, YES! YES! US! US AND ONLY US. WERE STILL THE ONE. AND YOU'RE STILL THE ONE. IKNOW WE HAVEN'T CALLED YOUR NUMBER YET BUT WE'LL GET THERE SOON.

Sincerely, Madeline T.C. Bordallo Lt. Govenor of Guam

This was paid for by the chauffers committie.

-- Edward Dumas (saligao@hotmail.com), October 28, 1998.


Why is this man screaming?

"Certainly puts Japan's 9 year economic collapse in perspective doesn't it [$3,000,000,000,000.00], having to deal with a Savings and Loan bailout every single year for a decade. And in the rounding up the usual suspects category, it was also reported that Japan's central bank seems to have a corruption problem. We are SHOCKED-SHOCKED-SHOCKED. Really we are. This would be like accusing the Federal Reserve of manipulating the stock market."

Looks like the Crash Avoidance Team is busy with the Boys from Brazil this week. Wonder what next month will bring...

http://www.gold-eagle.com/editorials_99/mcintosh011199.html

-- a (a@a.a), January 14, 1999.


Why is this man screaming?

"Certainly puts Japan's 9 year economic collapse in perspective doesn't it [$3,000,000,000,000.00], having to deal with a Savings and Loan bailout every single year for a decade. And in the rounding up the usual suspects category, it was also reported that Japan's central bank seems to have a corruption problem. We are SHOCKED-SHOCKED-SHOCKED. Really we are. This would be like accusing the Federal Reserve of manipulating the stock market."

Looks like the Crash Avoidance Team is busy with the Boys from Brazil this week. Wonder what next month will bring...

http://www.gold-eagle.com/editorials_99/mcintosh011199.html

-- a (a@a.a), January 14, 1999.


Why is this man screaming?

"Certainly puts Japan's 9 year economic collapse in perspective doesn't it [$3,000,000,000,000.00], having to deal with a Savings and Loan bailout every single year for a decade. And in the rounding up the usual suspects category, it was also reported that Japan's central bank seems to have a corruption problem. We are SHOCKED-SHOCKED-SHOCKED. Really we are. This would be like accusing the Federal Reserve of manipulating the stock market."

Looks like the Crash Avoidance Team is busy with the Boys from Brazil this week. Wonder what next month will bring...

http://www.gold-eagle.com/editorials_99/mcintosh011199.html

-- a (a@a.a), January 14, 1999.



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