Time for some humor

greenspun.com : LUSENET : TimeBomb 2000 (Y2000) : One Thread

The Top 13 Unforeseen Consequences of the "Millennium Bug"

13. IRS demands a hundred years of interest from stunned taxpayers.

12. "99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall" song gets stuck in an infinite loop.

11. At the stroke of midnight, Windows 99 turns back into DOS 1.0, the Pentium V turns back into an 8088, and the Handsome User is left holding a beautiful glass mouse.

10. Internet Movie Database now lists "1901: A Space Odyssey"

9. Residents of Indiana have to figure out if they're off by 999 years, 364 days and 23 hours, or 1000 years and one hour.

8. Bob Dole's age erroneously listed with only 2 digits.

7. Mel Brooks's "2000 year old man" skit stops being funny.... oops, too late!

6. Sales of Coca Cola jumps drastically after original cocaine-laden formula becomes legal again.

5. Software engineers point out that since computers think it's almost 1900, we technically have to "party like it's 1899," which, frankly, doesn't seem like much fun.

4. Microsoft declares the year 1900 to be the new standard of the "Gatesian" calendar.

3. Computers temporarily fooled into thinking Strom Thurmond is only 103.

2. The firstirst Top Ten List of the year --- "Reasons No One Would Ever Assassinate President McKinley"

and the Number 1 Unforeseen Consequence of the "Millennium Bug" ....

1. Unexpected demand for COBOL programmers results in severe understaffing of fast-food restaurants.

======================================================================= ARCHIVES OF PAST ISSUES: http://www.ByteWareSys.com/humor ======================================================================= Thanks for telling your friends about this humor list. Send G-Rated submissions to: nbrown@calpoly.edu

-- Louise (????@?????.???), September 29, 1998

Answers

I thought 99 bottles of beer on the wall was an infinite loop. Try listening to a car load of kids singing it while driving down the highway. It never ends!

-- Craig (craig@ccinet.ab.ca), September 29, 1998.

Well, it does have an "exit" in the IF-THEN DO FOREVER loop - but only when the driver exits.

-- Robert A. Cook, P.E. (Kennesaw, GA) (cook.r@csaatl.com), September 29, 1998.

Now if only the IRS will use the 1900 income tax tables in calculating our taxes owed, it could be a very good year. ...

-- Dan Hunt (dhunt@hostscorp.com), September 29, 1998.

Speaking of humor...where is Richard Dale? Hey, Richard, check in every once in a while!

-- Gayla Dunbar (privacy@please.com), September 29, 1998.

Sorry about that Gayla, I encouraged him to get a real job, he was spending too much time writing limrics, and I was worried about his mental health.

-- Uncle Deedah (oncebitten@twiceshy.com), September 29, 1998.


(Uncle Deedah, this is from my slavery days. F. was my master:) Despite F.'s heavy appearance, he could be an agile orchestrator in the barn. His bowed legs gave him an unexpected spring. He proved this when he flew into a rage after a cow whipped her moist, green tail across his face while he harvested her last drop of milk. I didn't know if she did this intentionally, but she aimed at the right target. Nor did I learn if F. ate it, or if he closed his eyes and mouth during that critical moment. Green-faced, he jumped from his stool and yelled at the cow loud enough so that she would understand him. He emphasized his remarks by splitting his wooden stool on her hindquarters. After she had delivered him gallons of milk, mountains of money and manure, this cow was dumbfounded. Energetically she did airs above the ground while green ammo shot out of her back end. An agonizing roar exploded from her front, together with a long tongue and white slobber. The herd instinct produced a quick response. They had practiced this, for they knew that this would happen again. Therefore they always kept fresh ammunition in their chambers. Milk flow stopped, tails went up, cowshit exploded in all directions. Each cow quickly unloaded via a second tail, a transient green one, arching toward the ground. Blobs of cowshit splashed off the floor, stuck to walls, people and buckets. Shit was flying everywhere, even though there was no fan. The oak barrel danced while flailing its stub-outs to escalate their tempo. It beat the cows and roared like a bull, confusing them further. The tempo rose to an ever-higher crescendo. Soon the cows were bawling, bucking and kicking. Machines were crashing; milk was spilling while fresh cowshit was steaming up the grand ole opera barn. Not enjoying this performance, I quietly stole away, taking two newly decorated buckets up to the milkhouse and emptying them into the shiny new stainless steel milk tank.

-- trying to forget (seenit@before.com), September 29, 1998.

I was kinda wishing the IRS would just disappear into the twilight of the new millennium..

-- Michael Taylor (mtdesign3@aol.com), September 29, 1998.

I was kinda hoping TTF (trying to forget) would disappear. I think I will contact Mr. Yourdon and see if posts coming from his Email address can be blocked from this forum. What he writes on his own thread is bad enough, but when he starts invading other threads with this trash he needs to be stopped.

-- Gayla Dunbar (privacy@please.com), September 30, 1998.

Hello, I'm back after a few days of writers block (or work). Limericks to follow.

-- Richard Dale (rdale@figroup.co.uk), September 30, 1998.

There was a "young" man called Dale When writing limericks was never known to fail but he strayed from the forum and lost all his decorum But now he's returned all hearty and hale ************************************************************* There was a "young" man called Dale Whose limericks many thought beyond the pale He neglected his work At street corners he did lurk But now he's back sending annoying email ************************************************************** There was a "young" man called Dale Who for a while ran away and turned tail He turned his back on y2k He felt he had nothing to say But now a new set of lyrics he'll unveil *************************************************************** There was a "young" man called Dale Who many thought had been cast into jail He disappeared from view His writings shrank to a few But now he's been let out on bail *************************************************************** There was a "young" man called Dale Who turned into an illterate snail He could no longer write verse and became rather terse But now he's back blowing like a gale *************************************************************** There was a "young " man called Dale Who had lately become rather frail He wondered round in a daze Not one line could he raise From the depths of his mind wrecked by ale **************************************************************** There was a "young" man called Dale Who went to search for his own Holy Grail He wondered near and far In every bistro and bar For his coffin he forged another nail **************************************************************** There was a "young" man called Dale Who had lately become rather stale They thought him a bore Really too much of a snore Just a castoff from the January sale **************************************************************** There was a "young" man called Dale Who for fresh waters decided to sail But in the voyage nearly did drown Losing all of his renown But you don't want to hear his sad tale *****************************************************************

-- Richard Dale (rdale@figroup.co.uk), September 30, 1998.


Hi, Richard! Glad you're back! Love the limericks!

-- Gayla Dunbar (privacy@please.com), September 30, 1998.

What a find! You'll love this tongue-in-cheek "Year 2000 Survial Kit"! It's a hoot -see it at http://home.mci2000.com/hsd@mci2000.com Guaranteed to bring a smile.

-- Kelly Green (hotoffer@hotmail.com), October 01, 1998.

Kelly, is it possible to print the text? The message I got was that you have to be a cable & wireless Internet customer to access it. ???

-- Gayla Dunbar (privacy@please.com), October 01, 1998.

Just go to aol net find and put in chickens

-- Morgan (Y2KFever@aol.com), October 04, 1998.

Moderation questions? read the FAQ