name the abuser : LUSENET : Domestic Violence Accounts : One Thread

Hi guys, i have decided to share my story on this board.I used to write on it initially under a false name as i did not want my husband to know of me.It did not make me feel much better either.He will be out there today with another girl while i am living in constant fear .So, here is my story:my husband's name is humayun malik

always telling me i am useless and unable to do anything without him.I was his property and i owed my life to him. making me feel bad about me and my family telling me i lived in ghettos and belonged to a poor family my family not being as respectible as his telling me i am crazy and imagining things when i complain teeling me i am taking things out of proportion humiliating me infront of his family making me feel quilty for him hitting me telling me he is my husband he can do anything he wants i am his property, his slave , he makes all the decisions his family tells me i have to work on relationship behave well with inlaws and not anger my husband.It is my duty to make marriage work.His mother tells me it is woman's job to take care of put husband above everything & everyone else.Husband is more important than parents,career,my studies.I should obey him.Although his sisters spent most time at our house and did not cook food for their husbands.His sister Rubina told me that she controls her husband and is strict with him! While my husband tells me it is my duty to prostrate to him! what is my networth? he told me he will call me even after he leaves me and he will have sex with me not giving me any money .Telling me to ask his mother for items, for necessities notallowing mme to get a job not letting me get a driver's licence not even giving me an allowance me asking him for money ,his mother refusing to give me any taking $20-{the only money i had} from me which i recieved on eid party to buy drinks telling me to give him whatever money i have not allowing me to sit in any family discussions i was not allowed in any of family affairs including what properties he buys or how many properties he owns he not telling me his income or any of family assets everything he makes goes into family trust i dont get any of it always threatening to leave me, , to deport me, to tell others of my secrets, to show othere pictures of me, to terminate me forced tohave sexwithout my consent told me that he had reported me to the FBI so the only place for me to be safe is in his house.As long as i am withm him i will not be arrested telling me to have a thresome him , his girlfriend and me always staring at me and accusing me of lying and being unfaithful, of secretly plotting against him wiith my family accused me of talking to my family told me my parents will be arrested if they come close to his house told me my relatives were spying for him ,telling him information about me and my family.CALLING him to give him latest news about my family.So he said it was better if i gave it to him before he found out from them his mother yelling at me,smashing doors, and looking crossed because i did not vacuum properly. told me to leave the house because he believed i was on a contraceptive pill did not allow me to use any kind of protection telling me if i was pregnant with a girl i will have to have an abortion .If i refused i will be instantly terminated along with baby If i am pregnant with a boy i can stay and will be welcomed by family told me his family will need at least 5 years before they can trust me I will have to sign a paper that gives him custody of any children his mother did not allow me to talk to my family, to have friends,to even talk to his relatives.She said friends can not be trusted.My relatives and friends are evil.Their relatives are never going to give mme good advice they are too jeolous of me not allowing me to leave the house alone ,not giving me the house keys constantly reminding me this was his mother's house if i compalined to the police they will take me away because i was unlawfully living in her house telling me i dont love him.No matter what i do for him it is not enough evidence of love His mother always tells me that i dont love him enough to stand up for him and leave my family. He said there was no abuse in the relationship because i had everything a girlcould have.Awarm home a million dollar home, clothes and food all i did was complain when i tell him how i feel he says i am overreacting and making a big deal of something which is so small saying that i am too emotional and nervous telling me if i have to stay i have to do exactly as his family tells me why do you like to do exactly opposite of what you are told pushing me and kicking my face .Saying it was an accident His mother screaming at me for provoking it.She sat outside the room all night so i would not leave.I was crying heavily because it was very painful refused to let me even go to the doctor his family blames me for provoking his anger, for making him angry and not showing him any love.How much will he tolerate?I should be careful not to say unpleasant things.I should not argue with him.He works for me .He makes money for me and our children.And i have not even given him any good news .When will i be pregnant?When will i start taking responsibility for this marriage and the family.My parents dont care.Relatives are jeolous of this relationship.He loves me so much .His mother does so much for me.She bought me here she was so happy when i got the visa.When i got married.Finally her son would become a family man.Finally she would become a grandmother.Finally she got the gilr she selected.Her family is so nice people.AH , but my bad luck , my bad fate.What an unlucky woman i am.These are the kind of statements i heard from my mother-in-law.She was never happy with me.She blamed me for ruining her life, her son's life and Naila's marriage! I had nothing to do with Naila's marriage.I was not even allowed to attend her wedding.I never saw her husband yet i was blamed for my sister-in-law's bad marriage. I was not allowed to attend any private party of Naila's at our house I was send away very conveniently When my husband was away at work his mother told me to leave because she knew i was not happy and i was not turning out the way she wanted.She wanted a girl who will not have any dreams or expectations from her husband.Who will very quietly do exactly as mother-in-law ordered,who will do all the housework never ask for money, never complain, never want to make any friends, produce children. I was all that but it was still not enough.There were still a lot of things lacking in me.She complained my parents did not teach me manners how to talk to elders, how to cook ,how to clean,how to respect in-laws.When i told my husband he said his mother is just emotional but means well Even my problems with sex were my fault.They would say,'Don't you love him?' My familywould say,'if you dont have sex wit him he will find someone else to have sex with.' In oct at the mini honeymoon in Annapolis, i was crying because we still did not have sex.He told me this trip was my last chance.He would leave me if i did not have sex.I was so frightened and did nto understand why i was so scared. He said he will be happy to spend money on trips and food but not give it to lawyers and counselors He said if i dont give it to him he will do it to my sister He said i was treated like a princess.This was normal in America He was doing this so i could be more sophisticated than others. You are our daughter-in-law this is my house you will do exactly as we tell you. He said he was afraid i would end up as a prostitute if i left him.Girls who leavet heir husbands end up as sluts He said all i am interested in is sex.That is all girls want He always said i was too tense i should drink to relax myself After we started having sex he said my father owes him $5000 for curing me. I owed him my life He told me i will never find a man who loves me the way he does. He said he knows me better tha i know myself.Nothing is hidden from his family.He knows my every step what i am thinking,what i am going to wear.He said he has a chip installed in my head, something on my clothes.When i called my family and the shelter from the library i took off my jacket and brushed my clothes and shoes to make sure there was nothing attached.But i was still not sure he was too clever.I could never tell if he might have some chip or slit of paper on my clothes.I dont want him to know i had called the shelter. He had said i would never be allowed to go to visit my parents only when my father or mother dies. when i compained she said my mother was teaching me I wasnot put on his bank account .my husband had a lot of money I think our biggest problem was that he habitually disregarded my feelings and needs.I told him i was unhappy.He refused to let me seek counseling saying it cost a lot of money.He said he was my counselor.I should talk to him instaed of a counselor.I should talk to his sisters if i have problems. The reason i stayed was because his mothe kept telling me that i needed to understand him.That i was not smart enough.He works hard to make money for me.She will not benefit from this money .How long will she live.All of it would go to me.Once i have children it will be all mine.She always said that. I spent a lot of time pacifying him.He would get mad if i turned on the AC within 5 minutes of sitting in the car.He would remind me that all i did was waste his money.His mother took all the wedding jewelery.When i asked him to give it to me he mocked,'whatdid you do to earn it?' He would make all the important financial discussions without talking to me. He called me names and yelled at me.He cursed my family and said they were teaching me how to ask him for money In my culture family and friends do not really understand they blame the girl for the problems.They say that is the way marrage and men are. When i left him for the first time.He had persuaded my family that he loved me and that he would take counseling with me.His mother told my parents that i did not understand him that he was only joking when he treatened to kill me.He loves to joke!They were making fun of the fact that i said he had threatened to kill me.He had made fun of the fact that i went to a shelter when i left.He has never hit me,thus he never abused me. i wantedtogive this marriage another chance.I prayed to save this marriage.He told me to sign a postnuptial aggreement when i got back.If i want to stay in the marriage i had to sign the aggreement. This is the second time i have left him.I am happy and not quilty anymore.I am grateful to God that i was able to leave a man that i was afraid of.It takes a lot of courage and strength.I pray that every woman in this situation is able to keave her abuser.It is a nightmare to stay in the relationship.It is a big disappointment because you are led to believe that you are a failure if you dont make it work.It is not true I cannot go back to a man who thinks I 'm not entitled toanything we accrued during the marriage.He would not even let me have custody of any children if we had any.It 's so ugly.I need to get on with life. I feel guilty about not being able to satisfy him

His mother made me promise i not tell my parents about the beatings because they would not understand. He said he can never leave me because he loves me too much.I was the only one who really loved him

I suffered more in this marriage .I lost my self esteem,self respect, my integrity .I suffered a miscarriage because my husband threw me on the ground when i was pregnant. All the abuse tool place in Virginia where my abuser lives with his motherand sister.He is a mama's boy.

-- Anonymous, June 14, 2003

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