Well, I'm embarassed about this, but I figure I need to ask for help, anyhow. I think I'm falling victim to an old sick love.

See, there's this girl I adore. She's funny, she's smart, and she's a real hottie. She's also a tormented soul, which for some reason is attractive to me. It's clear that I put her on a pedestal, but I'm not so sure it's wrongly so. We dated a few years ago, and things were always exciting, but in the end, her biggest fault was that she wouldn't fall for me.

The relationship was tumultuous. When I realized that she wasn't going to fall, I just made everything worse. The last time I saw her I was ashamed of my behavior, and figured we'd never speak again.

Well, enter new years last year. (that is, over 12 months ago, not this past new years). I'm visiting old college friends and having a great time. My friends and I go out to try and find a place to go sledding, and, long story short, girl falls in lake, I pull her out, and adrenaline is pumping through everybody's veins.

We return back to the house where the party is at, and she's sitting there, smiling at me. At that point, it had been almost a year since I'd seen her, but for as much as I'd completely unconcerned myself with her, my heart broke again at that moment. And then she gave me one of her incredible hugs, and my heart shattered. I was unable to get ahold of my emotions that night, and while she doesn't remember anything awkward, I was definately not fully conscious, or at least in control of myself, for most of it.

Anyhow, night ends, I go home, and another year of solice. It actually takes me a few months to get over the experience, since, in my mind, she's my lobster (Phoebe, do the claw thing again!). I start analysing the time we spent together, and convince myself that, not only did she not fall for me, she actually hated me. She was emotionally abusive, and devestating for me to be around.

I've been thinking back again, and I think I made all of that up. I think I was just trying to find a way to not love her. Whatever the case, it had worked. For 9 months I didn't think about her, or when I did, I didn't get depressed or emotional over it.

Anyhow, so now that I've confessed that I'm an obsessive freak, let's get to present day. Well, or at least present month.

I saw her again this New Years. I knew she'd be there this time, so there was no initial shock like before. She was holding things when I first saw her, so the hug was awkward and not devestating. The midnight kiss was ... well... I tried to dodge, so it was off-center. (Er... everybody in that group gives midnight kisses, so it was almost unavoidable, and not unusual.)

So I was relieved. I survived the night with minimal conversation, and maintained my senses and emotional stability. Go Fred!

And then she emails me. We've been talking for a couple days now, sending one lengthy email after another. Talking about what's gone on in our lives, how we've changed, how our perceptions of the past differ, blah blah blah.

Surprisingly, I'm not emotionally distraught. However, I know I'm opening myself up for it. Are we going to start hanging out again? Is she just trying to hurt me? What's going on? What is this I'm feeling? Am I hungry? Who's hungry?

And the bigger problem is that I think I'd very much like to be hurt again. It's been so long since I've cared about anybody, that I'd like to know that I'm still capable. And if that means pursuing the sick love, I think there's a part of me that really wants that.

Hell, she's even suggested that we're ripe for a booty call. (No matter how many troubles we may have had dating, there is no doubt that we were very sexually compatible). Now, it's been a long time since I've had good sex, so a booty call with her is something I'd really appreciate. And I know I'm capable of seperating my emotions from sex and making that the perfect booty call, but I'm afraid that I don't want to.

I'm afraid that I think ... if I just don't be too clingy and if she spends time with me, she'll fall. I'm afraid that I think, "It's been a couple years. I've changed, she's changed. It could work this time." I don't know if I think any of this. Really, I still feel like I'm dead inside when it comes to her, but if so, why am I still talking to her? What motives am I hiding from myself?

I just needed to get this out, and this seemed like the most private place where I could do it. And I figure that most of you have some respect for me, know that I'm not a psycho, etc., etc.. Or at least, you'll give me the benefit of the doubt.

Is this an example of the bad love? Am I supposed to change the locks? If so, how do I do that? Am I allowed to try for the booty call? Or is that a horrible idea?

-- Anonymous, January 10, 2002

Answers

Allison is the resident expert on the sick love, so I'll defer to her when she finds this thread.

But in my opinion, the booty call? Bad idea. Bad. A kiss from her freaks you out, but the horizontal shimmy won't? To me that sounds unrealistic.

The only way I got over my old sick love was to figure out what I really wanted from him -- in my case, forgiveness for the crap I'd given him before and after we'd broken up -- and work towards that. And now we're friends and I have no desire whatsoever to sleep with him.

So what are you looking for from her? A new relationship? An explanation of why she wouldn't fall for you back then? Reassurance that you can love and be loved? But don't go there for the booty. Better to try for the booty without the baggage.

-- Anonymous, January 10, 2002

Al truly is the master of sick love knowledge, but I would say this.

I have seen too many examples of couples who had at least one start and stop in their relationship to deny that it can work. Just because it didn't work out the first time doesn't mean it can't this time. People do change.

The only thing I would think about is why you want to explore this again. Do you truly want to get back together with her or do you want to get back together because she treated you badly the first time and are looking for a little vindication and ego boost.

And the booty call? I agrre with WG, look for it elsewhere. It isn't a bad thing, by any means, but you don't want that getting mixed up with a desire to have a relationship. It just won't work.

-- Anonymous, January 10, 2002

WG: "A kiss from her freaks you out, but the horizontal shimmy won't?"

Well, it's been a year since the kiss freaked me out. While, I'm clearly not "over" her, it might be realistic to believe that I'm a little more in control after this time. My fear is that I don't think I want to be in control. I like it when my emotions take over, and I miss it. So whether or not I could survive the booty call probably isn't the issue. I'm more concerned about whether or not I would want to. I know, the only person who can answer this is me, but really, introspection just hasn't been working for me lately. I'm confused about myself and my thoughts and realizing that nothing I'm said remains true 24 hours later. I just don't know what's going on right now, and I think I'd like me some sick love to at least give me something definate. It seems so unhealthy, though.

MOC: "The only thing I would think about is why you want to explore this again. Do you truly want to get back together with her or do you want to get back together because she treated you badly the first time and are looking for a little vindication and ego boost."

Well, this would be something I'm certain of. If I could get back together with her and have a relationship, I would be the happiest kitten in the pack. The problem is, I realize its completely unrealistic. I'm afraid of thinking, "I can win her back!" I haven't had this thought yet, but I'm afraid that, subconsciously, that's what I want to do.

Consciously, I think I can admit that I would love to have her arms around me again. I think that I could, if I wanted to, let this happen without being devastated by it, but I'm afraid that I actually want to be devastated by it. Does this make any sense?

-- Anonymous, January 10, 2002

no. i don't see how you can say "I haven't had this thought yet" when you just wrote it. our motives hide themselves from us so often that, IMHO, if you can put words to it, you've nailed it

-- Anonymous, January 10, 2002

"i don't see how you can say "I haven't had this thought yet" when you just wrote it."

You're right. I misspoke. I'm afraid of *believing* it. Obviously I've thought about it.

-- Anonymous, January 10, 2002

Fred, I hesitated in responding to this simply because I have more knowledge than I'd like to admit to with regards to sick love and unhealthy relationships.

Think long and hard before you let yourself get sucked back in. I agree with Chris in that people can change and things can work out. On the other hand, though, it's all too easy to fall back into the same cycles over and over again. Which one is happening here?

First and foremost, do not allow yourself to start a physical relationship. I think most everyone has told themselves at one point or another that they can separate the physical from the emotional, but it's too easy to think, "Well she looked into my eyes so tenderly while we were making love, there has got to be more there."

Second, what are HER motives? Is it because she suspects that you still care? Is she driven by the same thing that you are or something different? Is an ego trip for her to know that someone still cares after so long? Is an ego thing for you to try and prove you can get her back?

My advice would be to take things very slowly. You know that you are vunerable to her, so watch yourself. You have made it this long without her, don't be too quick to start back at square one. Proceed nice and easy and thing long and hard before doing anything.

She sends a particularly intriguing email....read it and then wait a day to respond. Be very clear about what both of your expectations are here. They could be completely opposite. It sounds like you are worried about becoming numb. I understand your concern, but don't do anything rash just to realize that you can still feel pain. It may just be that you have become conditioned to this particular person and their particular effect on you. A person can only hurt so long and so hard before autopilot takes over and guides you forward through life.

Just be careful.

-- Anonymous, January 10, 2002

Hey Fred,

Feel like I should offer my cent and a half. I guess I just don't get it. Do you really want to chase someone down who didn't want you the first time? That means that you'll be entering the relationship as the clear-cut submissive. In general? Not good.

The whole offer of sex? Sounds like she's got you thinking about crawling to her. Basically, she sort of sounds manipulative.

That said, I have no idea what your shameful behavior was or what her emotionally abusive characteristics are. It just seems to me that, whatever the case, this isn't a relationship between equals. This girl - she's a fantasy. She may be smart and funny and pretty, but if she were really all of that before, then you wouldn't be here.

I think once you get to know her, you're going to find yourself very unhappy. The whole "hurt me, hurt me" thing is very intense and very dramatic. But it isn't healthy and it isn't a relationship. And if you really want that, then you aren't ready for a relationship...with anyone. Being alone isn't so bad, especially when you know you can't be together and be healthy. Personally, I'm okay as a single, but I attract complete as*h*les. I think it's better to be alone than there.

-- Anonymous, January 10, 2002

"Tis better to have loved and lost than never loved at all."

Maybe its just me, but I would tell you (if I were in any position to be listened to at all) to go for it. Hey, it might work. If it doesn't, well you tried and you have a good story to tell.

Also, keep in mind that I am adicted to bad relationships because I am the blindest person to what I do not want to see that has ever lived. My advice isn't worth the time I have spent typing it. :D

-- Anonymous, January 11, 2002

How come Al never responded? I thought she was the resident expert.

Whatever the case, everything was discussed, and there is to be no booty for the Fredly. In the end, it was her decision, not mine, though I think I made it clear that it was a bad idea for me, even if I was willing to give the green light.

I am numb to her. We're still emailing, but it's like an old friend who I don't know well any more. So much for the sick love.

-- Anonymous, January 16, 2002

Now, see, Fred? I knew you would have to work everything out on your own, so that you could grow as a Sick Love Individual.

Sorry I didn't chime in earlier - I kept meaning to, but could not come up with any better advice than you were already getting from the fine people above.

I can tell you this, I don't want to be the Sick Love Expert, that's for sure. And I don't feel so expert at it anymore, except that I can recognize it in about 2.5 seconds when someone else is in it.

I wouldn't wish the sick love on anybody, y'all. It is something that fades with maturity, if my own experiences are to be trusted.

-- Anonymous, January 18, 2002

This is why we bow to Al about the sick love.

-- Anonymous, January 18, 2002