We had a dying relative, or maybe the relative had already died. I don't remember. It was hectic, upsetting time.

My relative's sister was trying to pack to go to the dying relative, or to the funeral. Whichever one doesn't matter. The sister was incredibly upset. She felt helpless and angry. Watching her feel helpless and angry and upset made me feel helpless and angry and upset.

That's the background, not the excuse. There is no excuse. I look back on what I did that day like I must have been out of my mind, but I knew what I was doing and at the time I didn't care.

The sister had some new neighbors. The neighbors had just moved in the week before. The neighbors had put their trash out inside of moving boxes instead of in a regular trash can. That's a big no-no where my relative lives. There are dog packs in that neighborhood, and they scatter trash like fall leaves whenever they can get hold of some.

The neighbors' scattered trash lay all over my relative's lawn. My relative was hysterically crying that she didn't have time to pick all that trash up because she had to GO. She needed to get to her sister ASAP. I offered to pick it up, but I was already late for work. My relative told me to just tell the neighbors they needed to do it.

I waved my relative off and said I would take care of the trash problem.

Looking back, here were the options:

I could have picked up the trash and taken it to the neighbors and explained about the dogs and asked them to get a trash can. And smiled.

I could have just knocked on the door and told the neighbors that dogs had scattered the trash and I was late for work and my relative was dealing with a death and asked them to pick up the trash. And smiled.

I could have told them about the dogs and offered to help them pick up the trash. And smiled.

When I got to the door, a pregnant lady answered. I told her that dogs had scattered their trash and that my relative's yard must be cleaned up pronto. She said her husband would have to do it after work.

If only we could go back in time. That's the part where I ask the lady for a sack and do it myself, and introduce myself and chat about her impending baby. That's not what really happened, though. And I didn't smile.

I insisted that it had to be done right away. Then I marched back to my relative's house and spent more time on the phone with the city refuse department than it would have taken to pick up the trash myself. I worked really hard to get these neighbors cited.

Feeling helpless in one area is a sure reason for acting like a jerk in another area.

I regretted that day. When I heard the lady had recently given birth, I thought I would go over there with a baby gift and apologize for being a jerk and explain about the death in the family and apologize again. That was a pretty decent plan, scheduled for yesterday.

The baby died. The funeral was held this morning.

I doubt this lady remembers or cares that I'm a jerk. I'll never be able to forget. My normal inclination would be to go to this lady and do everything humanly possible to help her get through the worst thing I can personally imagine. And I can't do that. I can't forget standing in my relative's trashed yard and saying "I'm not picking this up. I'll be damned first."

Be careful what you ask for.

-- Anonymous, July 02, 2001

Answers

It's never too late to say your sorry for being a jerk. It will make you feel better and maybe it will brighten the neighbors day too.

-- Anonymous, July 02, 2001

My mother despises her DIL and has made life difficult for all involved as a result. DIL's evil, spoiled teenage son was killed in NYC. As far as I'm concerned, Thank Heavens and Good Riddance (perhaps because I know why it happened, Mother probably doesn't). Somehow Mother, as a mother, is nonetheless capable of sympathizing with DIL on that one point. Apparently mothers are able to do that. I'm not a mother, I can't understand. Helen, I think the neighbor would welcome your advances, as a fellow mother, and clearly it would make you feel better as a result.

-- Anonymous, July 02, 2001

Helen,

That was a good story, and you told it well. Now what to do? The way it stands right now it is eating at you, and will continue to do so. You have to settle it to gain some peace. Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. If you were that lady, what would you accept/expect now from your neighbor? Whatever, you need to try, because then you can rest from the present unpleasant situation that is on your back. If you try to straighten it out now, you will either gain a better neighbor, or you will be confronted with a little harsh reaction. But in either case you will know you tried to do the right thing. That's the key.

-- Anonymous, July 02, 2001

Helen, that wasn't you, was it? I can't imagine you acting that way. Well, if it was you, then it certainly is going to eat at you for the rest of your life because you're too good of a person to blow off an isolated lapse like that.

Did the city cite the family? If not, then they don't know how far you went and you don't have to apologize. Even if they were cited, there's a bit of a redeeming factor here. Never mind the packs of dogs--there are certain to be possum and raccoon and the odd cat strolling by. They scatter trash too. I mean, I've always lived in urban areas in this country and putting trash and garbage in proper containers is one of the first parts of the culture you learn! I don't think the blame is all on your shoulders.

The only thing you have to apologize for is that you overreacted. The baby's death is nothing to do with the basic incident, which is there was trash all over the yard; your sister was terribly upset about it; and you took care of it the best way you could at that particular moment in time.

Apologizing right now might not be the best way to go because it would seem trivial compared to the death of their child. Perhaps a sympathy card from your sister and you would be a good first step, maybe accompanied by a pie or something if it's the custom in your part of the country. Later, maybe your sister and yourself can invite her over for a cup of coffee--and then you can tell her personally that you're sorry you overreacted, perhaps even be able to laugh about it at that point down the road.

Just a suggestion. If it doesn't feel comfortable, perhaps it will spark something that will.

-- Anonymous, July 02, 2001

Well, my feeling is that this family is so crushed right now that they won't notice who is talking to them. It isn't even so important that I apologize for it now, the problem is ... well, these are possibly the only people I've been mean to in a very long time. It made no sense to do it in the first place. I don't know why I went off like that, don't know why I didn't make up sooner, and sometimes it really is too late.

I'll see what I can do about reaching out to her, maybe through the older women in the neighborhood. Every woman on that block has been through losing a child, though some of the children died in adulthood all of the women understand what this lady is experiencing.

-- Anonymous, July 03, 2001

Write it up like you did above, submit it to Reader's Digest. when they print it, mail a copy to the neighbor.

hey, it could work!

-- Anonymous, July 03, 2001

Helen, in the meantime, there might be a physiological reason "why you went off like that". If so, it would be a shame not to address it. If it was hormonally induced, then you mustn't expect to fight it out of sheer willpower.

-- Anonymous, July 03, 2001

We've all had bad days, days that we were total asses to other people. I like Old Git's way of going about it. Obviously it's bothering you, and the only way your going to feel better about yourself is to apologize. You need to get this off your chest.

-- Anonymous, July 03, 2001

I went to them today. They are in deep shock and great pain. They want and need people around them. I'm keeping the baby's obituary in my bible to remind me to never be mean to anyone for any reason ever again.

-- Anonymous, July 04, 2001

Cool. If it felt right for you, it was right.

-- Anonymous, July 04, 2001