Amazing tales from Planet Tabloid
Welcome to our weekly trip to the twilight zone of the news agenda. This week a punk parrot, noisy nose news, alarming news from Manchester's schools, a supermarket chain wot can't spell and a vicar who juggles balls during his sermons. But first...
BURNING ISSUE OF THE WEEK
Q:Are bikinis coming back into fashion... what with summer holidays almost upon us?
A:Phworrrr! You betcha!
Burning issue this week and every week
FOUL MOUTHED PARROT NEWS
Red faces all round for Royal Navy top brass thanks to a foul-mouthed parrot called Sunny.
"Arse!" the bird shouted as Admiral-in-Chief Alan West walked past his perch on board HMS Lancaster, a frigate.
Sunny also whistles the theme tune to The Great Escape and cries: "You ain't seen me, right?"
When in a more martial mood the parrot will imitate Michael Caine shouting the phrase: "Zulus! Farzends of 'em!"
The admiral, according to the Daily Telegraph, is said to have been "perplexed".
MEDICAL BREAKTHROUGH OF THE WEEK: HONKING HOOTER SNORE CURE QUEST
Top nose scientists are trying to snuffle up the UK's worst snorers so they can test out a new herbal snore cure on their honking hooters.
Graham Carr-Smith of Health Products, told The Mirror this week:
"This discovery could change snoring as we know it."
The volunteers will be taken to a secret location and fed the remedy.
GRATUTIOUS DAVID BECKHAM HAIRSTYLE MENTION OF THE WEEK
A computer games company has made a game based around pictures of David Beckham's head.
Players who, frankly, need to have a lot of time on their hands, get the chance to give David Beckham any hairstyle they find amusing or, possibly, aesthetically pleasing.
Styles suggested include "the Mullet" and the "Bobby Charlton" mono-stranded wrap-over.
The game is set to be a "Big Christmas hit" thinks the forward-looking Mirror, thus making it newsworthy.
MAN BITES DOG
Everyone knows that lots of people are allergic to animals such as cats and dogs.
Now Edinburgh scientists have discovered that lots of animals are allergic to humans - such as men and women.
"Symptoms include itchiness on the face and paws of dogs and cats which chew and lick their fur out," Dr Steve Shaw, of the Animal Health Trust, told the Edinburgh Evening News this week.
EDUCATION NEWS
A Manchester primary school is handing out free alarm clocks to pupils, reports the Manchester Evening News.
Staff at St James' Primary School in Gorton hope the scheme will ensure children turn up on time for lessons.
Teacher Gwen Osborne came up with the idea after a brother and sister who were always late for class told her they didn't have their own clock.
"Now they are a lot earlier than they were and a lot more consistent."
Meanwhile, also in Manchester, thousands of schoolchildren were exposed this week to bad spelling when the ASDA supermarket chain released dozens of T-shirts emblazoned with mistaken spelling into the environment.
It is feared that wearing a T-shirt with incorrectly spelled words on it can damage a child's ability to read and write - especially if they have no alarm clock.
The shirts had the words 'environment' and 'Antarctica' spelled wrongly.
The word 'environment' was written 'enviroment' while 'Antarctica' was spelled 'antartica'.
An Asda spokesman said: "We'll be checking our dictionary in future."
RELIGIOUS NEWS
Essex vicar John Guest has his congregation rolling in the aisle by doubling as a clown, if the Sun is to be believed.
He illustrates sermons with his juggling act, balloon modelling and a range of party tricks.
John, 46 - who has written a book called
Prophetic Balloon Modelling - said: "The
congregation here has certainly grown since
I've been clowning."
-- Anonymous, June 23, 2001