Safari Hunt

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovered he was lost. Wandering about he noticed a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dog thought, "Oh boy, I'm in deep doo-doo now."

Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settled down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard was about to leap, the dog exclaimed loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this the leopard halted his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror came over him, and slinked his way into the trees.

"Whew", said the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figured he could put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he went. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spilled the beans and struck a deal for himself with the leopard. The cat was furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

The dog saw the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thought, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sat down with his back to his attackers pretending he hadn't seen them yet.

Just when they got close enough to hear, the dog said, "Where's that monkey. I can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back yet!!"

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Gone Fishin'

It was a cold winter day when an old man walked out onto a frozen Lake Erie, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite. He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not too far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute. WHAM! A largemouth bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish. The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one.

He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught two fish! How do you do it?" To which the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarm."

"What was that you said?" the old man asked. Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarm."

"Look, son" said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying."

So the boy spit a wad into his hands and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"

-- Anonymous, April 07, 2001

Answers

What do you get when you play country western music backwards?

Well, you get back yer wife, yer dog, yer truck, yer ........

-- Anonymous, April 08, 2001

-- Anonymous, April 08, 2001

Sure hope that isn't a suppository, huh?

-- Anonymous, April 08, 2001

A plane is on its way to Montreal when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co- pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.

The pilot says, "I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I have learned to speak 'blonde."

He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and without question she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

"I told her First Class isn't going to Montreal."

-- Anonymous, April 10, 2001

ANCIENT CHINESE WISDOM

Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell bound! to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.

Man who farts in church sits in own pew.

Crowded elevator smells different to midget.

-- Anonymous, April 10, 2001

After a hailstorm, a blond goes to the local garage to have the dents in her car fixed.

The mechanic tells her he could do it, but it would be very expensive. He informs her that she should go home, and blow very hard into the tailpipe and that will push out the dents.

The blond goes home and is blowing furiously on the tailpipe, but nothing is happening.

Just then, her blond roommate gets home and asks what she is doing. She explains what the mechanic told her and that it doesn't seem to be working.

Her roommate says, "Hellooo, how do you expect it to work if you don't roll up the windows?"

GB7

-- Anonymous, April 10, 2001

The Accident

Farmer Joe had gotten in to an accident with a semi truck.

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court.

In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. 'Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine.'

Farmer Joe responded, 'Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the....'

'I didn't ask for any details,' the lawyer interrupted.

'Just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, you were fine?' Farmer Joe said, 'Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'

The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'

But by this time, the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie.'

Joe thanked the judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.

I was thrown in one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.

'He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?''

-- Anonymous, April 12, 2001

-- Anonymous, April 14, 2001

Tiger Woods drives his Volvo into a Petrol Station in Belfast during his tour of Northern Ireland. The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Irish manner, unaware as to who the golf pro is.

"Top o the morning to you young fella!"

As Tiger leans over to get out of the car two tees fall out of his top pocket onto the ground.

"What are dey son?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger Woods.

"And, what would dey be for then?" inquires the Irish man.

"They're for resting my balls on while I'm driving" says Tiger.

"Jaysus, says the Irish man, "Dem boys at Volvo just tink of everything."

-- Anonymous, April 19, 2001

Retirement in a Trailer Park

After a spring break, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent the holidays. One child wrote the following:

"We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live here in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a place with a lot of other retarded people. They live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on big tricycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.

They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed, because it is alright now. They play games and do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with their hats on. I guess they don't know how to swim.

At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out.

Then they go cruising in their golf carts. My Grandma used to bake cookies and stuff, but I guess she forgot how. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And they eat the same thing every night, "Early Birds."

Some of the people can't get past the man in the doll house to go out. So the ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.

My Grandma says Grandpa's worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday. too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren."

-- Anonymous, April 19, 2001

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor, crawled painfully onto a stool, and ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked, "crushed nuts?"

"No" he replied, "it's just arthritis."

-- Anonymous, April 19, 2001

Three elderly ladies are sitting on a park bench. An elderly man walks by and one of the ladies yells, "I'll bet we can guess how old you are!"

The elderly man says, "I'll bet you can't. There's no way you can guess how old I am. How can you do that?"

The lady replies, "Oh, yes we can. Drop your pants."

The elderly man thinks, "What the heck, what could it hurt?" and drops his pants, right there in the park.

The three ladies whisper back and forth for a minute or so and then one says, "You're 84 years old!"

"That's amazing," he says. "I am 84 years old! How did you do that?"

To which the lady replies, "You told us yesterday!"

-- Anonymous, April 19, 2001

Surprise endings

1. When his .38-caliber revolver failed to fire at its intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: he peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. Happily for most concerned, this time it worked.

2. Laborer Alexander Robinson of Mobile, Alabama, redefined the limits of tactlessness when he opened his eyes after surgery to restore his sight and said agreeably to his wife: 'Boy, you sure have gotten fat in four years.'

3. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat- cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

4. Mourners at the funeral of Anna Bochinsky in Moinesti, Rumania, were naturally somewhat taken aback when she abruptly leapt from her coffin as it was being carried to the grave. Before they could react to this unexpected outburst, the woman bounded into the nearest road, where she was run over and killed by a passing car.

5. An American tourist in South America had the misfortune to be attacked by killer bees as he stood on the bank of the Amazon. Seeking refuge, he leapt into the river - and was devoured by piranha fish.

6. In Fort Lauderdale, Florida, a sixteen-year-old youth was charged with beating up his fifteen-year-old wife after the latter hid the caps to his toy pistol.

7. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her dead.

8. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone in the queue a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

9. Texan prisons have banned convicts on death row from having a last cigarette, on the grounds that it is bad for their health. However, to compensate for this, condemned men will instead be permitted to chew a stick of celery.

10. Thrash-happy judges in Saudi Arabia have sentenced a Filipino man to 75 lashes for possession of alcohol - after he was caught with two chocolate liqueurs at an airport.

11. A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Gimmee a break lady! Your daughter is pregnant." The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?" "Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they would show up again and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant.

-- Anonymous, April 19, 2001

A lady went into the grocery store and asked for fifty gallons of milk. The clerk, amazed, asked her what she was going to do with that much milk. "I have a skin problem and the Doctor prescribed a milk bath." The clerk asked, "Pasteurized?" She replied, "No, just up to my chin."

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2001

Glenn and his wife were working in their garden one day when Glenn looks over at his wife and says,  "Your butt is getting really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue." With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!"

The wife chose to ignore the husband. Later that night in bed Glenn was feeling a little frisky.  He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2001

A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new Jeep Cherokee appeared out of a dust cloud, advanced toward him and stopped. The driver, a 20-year-old young man wearing a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie, leaned out of the window and asked our shepherd, "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looked at the young guy, then at his peacefully grazing flock, and calmly answered, "Sure."

The young man parked his car, whipped out his notebook computer, connected it to a cell-phone, surfed to a NASA page on the Internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, then opened up a database and some Excel spreadsheets with complex formulas. He finally printed out a 150-page report on his hi- tech miniaturized printer, turned around to our shepherd and said, "You have here exactly 1,586 sheep!"

"Amazing! That's correct! Like I agreed, you can take one of my sheep," said the shepherd. He watched the young guy make a selection and bundle it into his Cherokee.

When he was finished the sheepherder said, "If I can tell you exactly what your political persuasion is, where you're from and for whom you work, will you give me back my sheep?"

"Okay, why not," answered the young man.

"You're a Democrat from Palm Beach and you're working for Jesse Jackson," said the shepherd.

"That's correct," said the young man. "How did you guess that?"

"Easy", answered the shepherd. "Nobody called you, but you showed up anyway. You want to be paid for the solution to a question to which I already knew the answer and, you don't know squat about my business because you just took my dog."

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2001

Five signs you're "maturing":

1. Your back goes out more than you do.

2. You sing along with the elevator music.

3. You enjoy a heated argument about pension plans.

4. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

5. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2001

What's worse than raining cats and dogs?

Hailing taxi cabs!

-- Anonymous, April 21, 2001