Have you ever thought about not sharing a room with your partner? I get asked about our sleeping arrangements a lot, and I've noticed something interesting -- when women ask the question, they usually want to know how I convinced Jeremy to agree to it, because they are interested in doing it themselves. When men ask the question, it's usually to express the opinion that our sleeping arrangements are really weird.

Did you share a room as a child? With a roommate when you were older? If you lived alone with your own room, was it hard to give that up when you moved in with a significant other? If you're single or don't live with your partner, do you think it will be hard to give up your space?

-- Anonymous, February 13, 2001

Answers

I had my own room at home, and usually had something closer to one and a half. I really like having my own space when living with someone, as well, even if we sleep together at night - it's nice keeping some identity that way, and if there's a fight/sick person/etc, you have somewhere to sleep peacefully. I just really like having somewhere to go that's just mine.

I haven't gotten to do this in a relationship with three bedrooms, which would be ideal. My computer is so horribly loud, it's evil.

-- Anonymous, February 13, 2001

I love having my own room. After the unfortunate seperation, I gave my bedroom a complete makeover. I bought soft, yummy, yellow sheets! I got a new featherbed (the ex hated them). I brought out my down comforter (hated it). I bought new pillows, fat ones (hated them), feather ones (hated them) soft, fluffy ones (hate hate hated them). I bought the most girly comforter I could handle. Bright blue with all kinds of tiny yellow and lime green flowers. I got rid of all the taupe and black shit that I had bought to keep the peace. Love my new room, love it. It will definitely be hard to give up my space if I ever decide I even feel the need to cohabitate again.

The best is my room at my mom's house in California though. She has kept it pretty much the way I left it. (I think she has some deluded dream that I will come home again, and so she keeps my room available) My bed there is like a big cloud. I sleep so great there.

-- Anonymous, February 13, 2001

I'd LOVE to kick my GF out of my room. She's such a slob that it drives me nuts. Every surface is covered with her crap, and there's no more room in _my_ closet for my stuff.

It'd also be nice to have your own place to go. After fights, during fights, or when your just feeling peckish, it'd be a great way to get the space you need without stomping out of the house.

-- Anonymous, February 13, 2001

Beth, thank you SO MUCH for taking up for us non-room-sharers. Like you, I don't try and keep it a secret that my husband and I have separate bedrooms. And people ALWAYS freak out about it, ALWAYS ask why we do it (even though I consider that a personal question), and my answer never seems to convince them that my husband and I aren't on the verge of divorce. But I'm sorry you and Jeremy had to have such an awful fight and break up before discovering/agreeing that having separate bedrooms works for you. Luckily Mr. Hayes and I agreed before we ever moved in together that we would always have separate bedrooms. On vacation we book suites with two bedrooms if at all possible. And yes, we adore each other and wouldn't have it any other way. Actually, I knew he was the right guy when I found out he wanted it that way too.

There are several reasons why this became a necessity for us. When we first moved in, Mr. worked second shift and I worked first. He was and still is a major night owl, sleeping until he had to go to work at 3:00 pm and then having his "daytime" after work until about 4:00 am. I have to be in bed at 11:00 pm and up at 7:00 am. I am NOT excited about him waking me up by sneaking into bed late at night. Because it would. I am an extremely light sleeper -- the times we were stuck in the same bed on overnight trips his tossing and turning kept me awake ALL NIGHT. Which makes me cranky and resentful, and angry with him, and that's not good for anyone's relationship.

I've been told that I should give it a chance, that I would "get used to it" but I don't know. Get used to living on fitful sleep? Why should I? Some people seem to think that having someone else in their bed is comforting and secure, but frankly I find it downright creepy. For me sleeping is a solitary exercise. And I've heard so many people have arguments over hogging bedcovers, and snoring, and white noise -- why in the hell should I try to have those kinds of problems when what we do works perfectly for us?

There's also the issue of private space. I don't have to share a closet with him. If he has a nosebleed on his sheets, that's his problem. Ditto if he leaves dirty laundry on the floor, or wants to paint his walls, or wants to be alone with his stuff. I like having a place where everything is my own, not shared with him. It helps me maintain some independence, not only physically but emotionally too.

And here's a news flash for all those people who think we're nuts, or don't really love each other or aren't really close -- you CAN have very fulfilling, hot, wild sex, lots of it, for hours at a time, even if you don't sleep in the same bed. And contrary to popular belief, it DOESN'T kill you to stumble buck naked the fifteen or so feet to your own bed to sleep. No, he can't roll over in the middle of the night and get some half-asleep nookie, but he wouldn't be able to anyway -- the only thing he'd get for waking me up would be a black eye.

-- Anonymous, February 13, 2001

Actually, half-asleep nookie is the thing I miss the most. But that's what vacations are for, I guess.

-- Anonymous, February 13, 2001

My "room of my own" is the whole damn apartment, which admittedly may be tiny but it's mine! all mine!

If I had to share an apartment/house with someone else, I'd have to have my own bedroom -- we could call it a guest room with a computer and all my favorite books in it, but it'd essentially be mine. I think everyone should have a space of his or her own, whether it's a bedroom or a study or whatever.

Meanwhile, I have my apartment fixed up exactly the way I like it, and it's a perfect setup for one person who never has other people over and does most things alone. Now I find my parents want to come visit and intend to stay at my place. I've already told them it's way too small but they keep saying cheerfully that they don't mind, they're used to tiny hotel rooms and such.

Now I have to do one of the toughest things in the universe and make the phone call where I insist that it is impossible for them to stay at my apartment. I know that if they stay there, it'll ruin my whole setup. It's Selfish Writer vs. Dutiful Daughter ... who will triumph?

That's the one problem with living alone, or even having your own room ... you don't want to share. And as you get older, it gets worse. You have been warned.

-- Anonymous, February 13, 2001

I'm with Aidan - half-asleep nookie doesn't happen at our house; when one of us is half-asleep, the last thing we want is to be caressed or kissed or even touched.

The odd thing is that in our house, Beth, the male is the one who really needs separate sleeping space and the female is the one who is always saying, "Why don't you come sleep in here? I get lonely." How she gets lonely I don't know, since she wakes up exactly once in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom on autopilot (I can set my watch by it). She is always asleep when I come in because we have thoroughly incompatible hours; her bedtime is ten-thirty or eleven at most; mine is one or two a.m.

Anyhow.

I have never gotten any hell from people about our sometimes-separate sleeping arrangements. I just explain to them that I am a career insomniac and that I sleep in whichever bed enables me to be comfortable that night. No one questions that (which is good, because it's true).

I haven't been able to sleep in the other bed for several days now, because we have a houseguest and that doubles as the guest room. It hasn't been a problem, mostly, but there was one night I was seriously considering going downstairs to sleep on the couch. We both snore, you understand, but since she is always asleep when I'm trying to go to sleep, her snoring annoys me more than vice versa.

Of course there's the third bedroom but we have that set up as the office and I never could sleep sitting up.

-- Anonymous, February 13, 2001

I always had my own room growing up. Then I had my own apartment for 4 years. I got to clean it, dirty it, decorate it and everthing else. It is necessary. My husband and I share a bedroom now and I don't want separate bedrooms. If one of us is having insomnia or wants to stay up late there's always the family room where the big TV, VCR and stereo are located. He's fallen asleep down there many nights and neether of us cares. It would be hard for me if he wanted separate rooms because I would miss him. We spend a lot of time hanging out in our bedroom.

I do completely understand that some couples would prefer separate bedrooms. I know couples that have separate bathrooms. This is just an extension of needing that privacy, that space or not wanting to deal with someone else's sloppiness or whatever. I think it's very brave of those couples to do what's right for their relationship rather than avoid looking "weird" to outsiders.

You might not have roll-over nookie but the idea of someone "sneaking" into my bed at night sounds sexy too.

-- Anonymous, February 13, 2001

One bedroom, two studies. One bedroom with two full-sized closets, and two studies. The bedroom used to be two rooms and is mostly unfurnished: it has a bed and two bureaus. Our individual space is in the studies, and it's great to have them. We can be as messy as we like, listen to our different music, etc.

Kids who have to share a bedroom are much worse off than adults, because kids generally have only the space in their bedroom whereas adults probably have the rest of the house to individualize and call their own.

My sister and I shared a small room when we were very little and eventually each had our own big room; neither of us had to share until we were in college and that was enough of a shock that she moved off campus sophomore year and I had a de facto single from fourth semester on.

The luxury of space and privacy: the hub and I get along much better when he doesn't have to work surrounded by stuffed animals and I don't have to see his mess.

-- Anonymous, February 13, 2001

Ah, Beth, thanks for the explanation, even though it wasn't necessary. I'm new to this whole online journal thing (found you via Alta Vista while looking for a hair dresser in Toronto...!) and have been feeling like a voyeur and not sure how / when to post. But this must be the time, as I was telling some friends this weekend about you and Jeremy and your separate bedrooms.

As for me, 7th child of seven, I shared with two, then one, then had my own room - but had to give up my sisters to apartments and boys to get it, so it was bittersweet. I'm 30 and I'm living alone for the first time (except for Peace Corps, but that doesn't *really* count). I love it, I love my yellow bedroom and my borderline-ridiculous fluffy white and yellow bed. I'm not sure how I'll feel if I have to give it up.

I don't think I would want separate bedrooms...but separate bathrooms are a *must*! I wouldn't miss the half-asleep nookie half as much as the I'm-sort-of-awake-but-not-really nookie in the morning. But at this point I'm missing any nookie at all! and so can't really be choosy.

Good for you for doing what's right for you and Jeremy. A relationship only has to work for the two people in it.

-- Anonymous, February 13, 2001

My husband of 8 months snores like a freight train. We always start off in the same room, but don't always awake in the same room. If my son is at his dad's house, I may end up sleeping in his bed. If he's with us, Ron goes to the futon in the other room. OR I take my sleeping pills and we sleep together. He doesn't snore every night, just 5 out of 7 nights. I thought I could learn to live with this, but so far it's not working....sigh......

-- Anonymous, February 13, 2001

Sadly, this is nothing new. I think it was Jean Kerr or Peg Bracken or one of those other '50s nutty housewife writers who wrote about a couple who had separate bedrooms, got sick of answering questions, and put a big sign over one of them saying, "We Fuck Here."

Separate rooms doesn't seem radical to me, since my parents have slept in separate rooms since I was a kid (snoring issues). I don't think I'd enter into any long-term living arrangement that didn't assure me either a separate bedroom, a separate office, or both. It's a mental health issue. I need a fairly large amount of alone time, not pseudo alone time when half of your mind is still oriented to the other person in the house, but real alone time, to think, read, write and I become really unpleasant if I don't get it.

-- Anonymous, February 13, 2001

It couldn't have been Jean Kerr; I know and love her entire oeuvre and I'd certainly have remembered THAT. Do you think that's really the basis for the curious comments? People wondering which room the sex happens in? hmph. I'm not sure what sex has to do with sleep, after all.

I need a fair amount of space to myself. The office is mostly mine by default - she works downstairs in front of the TV on her laptop (I can't use laptops). In general the living room sofa, across from the TV, is more of a multi-use piece of furniture for her. I use it only when watching TV, which is seldom. (I read books lying down.) So on a given night at home, I tend to be upstairs and she is downstairs. I suppose it would startle some people to know how much time we spend apart, but I don't think we're a cold or unromantic couple. Togetherness is great, but it doesn't have to imply proximity. Does it?

-- Anonymous, February 13, 2001

I like to sleep naked and tangled.

-- Anonymous, February 13, 2001

When my husband and I were first together I told him I thought sleeping together was silly. I wasn't comfortable sharing my bed (no wonder--it was college and they were singles) and I just didn't understand the emotional attachment. Now, eight years later, I've come to experience queen size beds and sweetie has melted the layers of emotional ice. I couldn't imagine not sleeping with him now. In fact, this morning, we were snuggled up all perfectly warm and cozy. I thought it was the most comfortable and content I had ever been. It was all I could do to get out of bed.

HOWEVER, I do wish I had a room of my own, just to hang out in. A room where I don't have to justify the decorating, the music, the state of cleanliness. I know I would get so much more writing done if I had that. And I'm sure sweetie wishes he could have that, too. As it is, he has domain over the workshop and the tools, I am mistress of the kitchen and all food decisions. Not very exciting, or original.

-- Anonymous, February 13, 2001

I like sharing my bedroom with my sweetie. It's the bathroom I want all to myself. Someday we'll have two bathrooms and I'll be in heaven.

-- Anonymous, February 13, 2001

We have 2 bedrooms and tend to use the second bedroom as a place one of us can go when we get restless during the night. That is almost always him, since he needs less sleep than I do and tends to want to doze on and off for a while in the morning when I still want to be sleeping straight through. Also, when one of us wants time to ourselves, he will usually go to the second bedroom while I stay in the living room, so we sometimes refer to the second bedroom as his room. But it's not a firm distinction - sometimes I'll go sleep there while he stays in the main bedroom. We like sleeping in the same bed, but we have sufficiently different sleep habits that it's really nice to have the option of sleeping separately when we want to.

-- Anonymous, February 13, 2001

I can sleep comfortably with some partners and not with others. With one guy, we lived together and had separate beds in the same bedroom, pushed together. We really wanted separate rooms but the place wasn't big enough.

My current partner and I sleep together pretty well, but there are nights when it's hot or something that I'd like to sleep separately. The other night I was sick and was waking up every hour or so to pee and was either freezing or boiling with fever, and was sweating like a racehorse, and I was really, really glad that he was away that night. He stayed over with friends after playing poker.

We have a three bedroom house. We sleep togehter in one of the little ones. We don't seem to have half-awake sex, which is okay with me. But we don't fit together well; we fight over the comforter and get annoyed at each other.

We each have our own room besides the bedroom. My room is the one that's supposed to be the master bedroom, because I have the most stuff. I keep my clothes in the closet in there. The third room, his room, has functioned as our guest room for a while, but for the last few months we've had a housemate and that's his room. So really, my partner has no room of his own. I cut him extra slack about leaving his stuff in the living room or controlling things there.

I was an only child - I never shared a room with anyone till college. After 2 years of that I moved in with a guy and lived with a couple of different partners for about ten years in all. After that I lived alone. I'd really been scared of it but found I liked it. When my partner and I got together, we were a couple for several years before we moved in together. Some people thought that was really weird and let us know.

He was the middle child and is used to giving in. He says that wherever we are, I seem to take over the space by filling it with my stuff, even when we're on vacation or at somebody's house. I plead guilty.

My dream is to move to a bigger house so we can have even more room for each of us.

-- Anonymous, February 13, 2001

The BF and I moved in together we never even considered sharing a room! We knew we'd kill each other, and we took advantage of the two bedrooms. I've almost always had my own room, and I love having my own space to do as I please with. If it's messy it's my mess, if it's clean no one else messes it up. The BF attracts useless pieces of paper like the Loch Ness attracts monster seekers, his room is covered with them and I am so glad I don't have to deal with that. We're great at sharing the rest of the place, and I think it's because we have out own rooms. We sleep in the same bed (his, it's bigger) about half the time, but it's wonderful to have my own bed when I'm tired and cranky and have to get up early. We keep our computers in our own rooms, and mine is a laptop if either of us wants to be on the computer and watch TV in the living room. People do think it's a little odd at first, but I've never had anyone think it was that weird. Mostly they start to think it's a good idea. That might change later on in life, though. As long as money and/or kids don't prevent it I will always want my own room.

-- Anonymous, February 13, 2001

I had a friend a long time ago who had her own bedroom, her husband had his own bedroom, and then they had the "weekend and vacation bedroom." I decided at that point that they were ingenious. I will have my own bedroom; whether or not I stay in it on a regular basis will be decided then, but there will be that space for when I need it.

Maybe because I did grow up always having my own room has something to do with my need for space--I don't know--but after having my own apartment with no roommates at all for four years, it'll take a lot of getting used to simply sharing a space the size of a house/apartment, let alone a single room.

Beth and the rest of you who are non-room-sharing: Good for you!

-- Anonymous, February 13, 2001

It's the only thing that really makes sense to me. If I move in with my boy, I'll definitely have my own room. I talk (and apparently kickbox, too) in my sleep, and I'd feel terrible for keeping him awake at nights. Plus, I'd need somewhere to curl up and read without the possibility of interruption.

-- Anonymous, February 13, 2001

When I was a kid, except for a few brief interludes, I always had my own room. In a family of four kids, it was absolutely necessary- I'm a pretty introverted person and needed my own space amongst the chaos.

I managed to have a roomate for only one semester in the dorms; I've had my own room (and now, my own apartment) ever since.

I've been dating the Girl for several months now, and she sleeps over probably four nights a week. I'm just now starting to feel a little cramped in my cozy studio - I'm definitely more of a morning person than is she, and it'd be nice to be able to leave her sleeping peacefully in the bedroom and have someplace else to go to read the paper and drink coffee in the morning.

If we get to the point of living together, I think I'll have to insist on separate rooms, for a few reasons: a) A good friend of mine moved in (with a one year lease) with his boyfriend. Two months later, they broke up. They've been unhappily coexisting in a smallish one bedroom apartment ever since. I have no desire to EVER be stuck in such a situation. b) I don't really have a lot of trouble sleeping in the same bed with another person, UNLESS one of us is sick. So far the Girl and I avoid this by not having sleepovers during sick times, but that's a little unavoidable when you share a bedroom. c) I REALLY need a place to go that is my own-- to read, putz around, leave my shit out, work, listen to music, and basically be focused on myself. Whether or not one or both of us sleeps there is less of an issue, but I require that space for waking hours.

-- Anonymous, February 13, 2001

I'm glad that sleeping separately appears to be more common that I thought. My husband and I have a fabulous marriage, but we hardly ever sleep together. Various reasons--he snores, steals covers; I don't sleep well, etc. I wish I could have my own room, but it's a 3-bedroom house. One for us, one for the computer, one for the kid. I usually end up on the futon in the kid's room (he's only 10 mo. old), or my husband ends up on the sofa.

But I really miss not sleeping the whole night with him.

-- Anonymous, February 14, 2001

My husband and I recently moved into a house with, God help us, four bedrooms! It's amazing! One for the office (two computers, one Mac, one PC), one for guests, one for us and one for his sports room. It's been great - he heads to the sports room to watch his sports, play Sega stuff or whatever...it's his little piece of "boy heaven" - complete with all the sports stuff on the walls, etc. I did hang drapes on the windows but did so with hockey sticks and very "manly" fabric.

I have my space too. If he's snoring or bothering me, I just head to the guest bedroom for the night. I'm often in there a few times a week as he snores VERY loud. But lately we've been running a humidifier, which really drowns out the snoring and has allowed me to sleep with him pretty peacefully.

I figured that since I pretty much run the decorating for the rest of the house (and my husband's fine with that) - that I'd give him his "room" to decorate as he saw fit. I think it's done him a world of good, he seems liberated with the freedom - not to mention, he really enjoys napping on the futon in the "sports room." :)

-- Anonymous, February 14, 2001

Since the kids moved out we are lucky to have two extra bedrooms. I can't imagine not sleeping with my husband (and he really doesn't sleep well without me), but I do have a "room of my own". I claimed one of the extra rooms as my sewing room -- it's all pink and yellow with dolls and stuffed animals and I love it. The other room is set up as a library/office, much more "masculine" and we both spend time there. But I don't think the husband has set foot in the sewing room. Very girly.

Love your journal. Keep it up.

-- Anonymous, February 14, 2001

I'm with Lisa up there -- one big bedroom with one BIG bed and then we each have our own study/office. I do what I want in my office, he does what he wants in his. We're both kind of messy in our offices but my type of mess bothers him and his type of mess bothers me. Yes, there are different kinds of messes!

Our bed is king sized, so I really have my own area code and I don't need to deal with his restlessness or his snoring. We each have our own closet and we keep our laundry separate.

Our friends used to joke before we moved in togehter that we'd have two separate houses on the same lot because we both needed our space.

I do like sharing a bed with him, though. I like waking up next to him and I like being able to roll over and hug him for a second. We like to lay in bed and talk and watch television before we fall asleep.

But I think it's great that people have their own bedrooms. If that's what makes your relationship happy then I think that's much better than sharing and fighting.

We did discuss what we'd do if/when we have a kid and he thinks I can move my office stuff into his office (his is bigger) but I'm thinking we'll have to move and get a place with 4 bedrooms. I just need my own room.

Colleen

-- Anonymous, February 14, 2001

I've found that while my first preference is to have some private space, we can live for a while without it. I've also realized that my first choice for private space is not the bedroom. My husband and I have very similar beliefs about bedrooms: they are for sleeping, and almost nothing else (with one obvious exception). We never really decorated it, we rarely read in bed, we definitely never watched television there, in fact, we rarely even turned on lights. Since I've had problems, historically, with insomnia, I found it enormously helpful to set aside a place that existed for sleeping, and nothing else. When I go to bed, I sleep.

Over the last month or so, we've been living in a sort of long-stay executive studio while we look for housing in Paris. This is, frankly, a big pain in my butt. There is no private space here. If I want to talk on the phone, he can't listen to music. If one of us is "cooking" (a generous term for the range of possibilities open to us in our mini-kitchenette), the other person can't do anything else. There's a kitchenette, there's a bed, there's a table, there's a little floor space, and there's a mini-bathroom and that's it. I was afraid at first I'd go mad, but it's actually all right. In the long term, it's probably not sustainable, but I've come to realize that my private space doesn't have to have four walls and a door. There's a chair that I never sit in, and a chair my husband never sits in. We've learned a lot about how to communicate we need to be non- social. It's interesting to me, actually. I'm surprised and pleased that we're this adaptable. It seems implausible to me that we could have 3+ bedrooms in every living situation at all times (a bedroom and two private offices), though I suppose it would be nice. I like knowing that we're not constrained to never live in Paris, for example, because that kind of space is simply an impossible luxury here. And we're not poor.

For part of my childhood, I shared a room with my sister, and for part of it, I had my own room. I remember liking both situations, for different reasons. I guess this is much the same thing.

-- Anonymous, February 14, 2001

I heard Katherine Hepburn thought the key to a successful relationship was to live next to each other. In other words, screw the room of her own. She wanted the whole house. I like that. I like the room idea and the house idea.

-- Anonymous, February 20, 2001

Wahiaronkwas, I was just going to post that thing about Hepburn.

I'm Tom Dean, and the room my wife calls the "guest" room is really my room. (Hi, Tom!) The first few weeks after our daughter was born this fall, I kept creeping out of our bed during the second or third nursing of the night and slipping into the guest bed. Because our bedroom is tiny, all my clothes are in the guest room anyway.

I could come in from work at 11:00 or 12:00, which is sadly common, and read for half an hour without bothering anyone. I could get up, shower and get dressed without waking anyone, too.

I love having a room of my own. I'm thinking about putting up pictures and bringing in a chair. My wife is currently militating for me to move back into her room. Any suggestions on how to tell her that I'm thinking of making this separate rooms thing permanent?

-- Anonymous, February 20, 2001

I feel really strongly about this subject. My significant other and I have our own rooms. It makes perfect sense. I was very hesitant about moving in together because I was afraid of losing my personal space. I didn't want to have to create a room that was more masculine than what I wanted. So I have a beautiful cloud room and he has his room. Sometimes I sleep in his room, sometimes he sleeps in my room, sometimes we sleep apart. I have my own space where I can go and be quiet and alone. He has his.

I never shared a room as a child. My parents thought it was important for us to have our own spaces. My parents have separate rooms, but this happened more after I left home.

I think one of the neat things about having my own room is being able to be as girly as I want to be, and he can be as "guyish" as he wants to be in his room. There is no compromise in identity because I live with someone. That's really important to me.

Go forward with your awesome self and your own room!

-- Anonymous, March 03, 2001