I need help Praying for My Best Friends sister who's killing herself with Drugs. My Best Friend seems to be upset with me for not praying as much for her sister as for her sisters 2 little boys,but... Ifeel that her sister is a grown woman and chooses her lifestyle and seems to enjoy it even though she's got 2 young boys and they are pawned off on sitters, sometimes for days on in. What can i do? My Best Friend of 18yrs is very special to me and I Love her Dearly, but i don't have alot of sympothy for her selfcentered sister,who by the way has only used and abused her intire family for years. My Best Friend is now going to be taking care of the kids for who knows how long because the father to the boys has to go out to sea for months,he's in the service and loves his family dearly; but doesn't know what to do to get his wife help, because she doesn't want help at this point. Please tell me what i can do to Help. BESIDES PRAY PRAY PRAY. My main focus in prayer is My Best Friend and her kids and the 2 little boys of her sister. Am i wrong for feeling the way i do about her sister?

-- Paula (JEpaco13@aol.com), January 06, 2001

Answers

Paula, I understand what your going through, We are still going through similar with my husbands ex. She lost our two oldest 10 years ago because of drugs and she just keeps doing them.She is clean [went to jail finaly] and I hope she stays that way but I am with you as the kids suffer so.Maybe you could pray that she realizes what she is losing [ kids grow up so quick and there is nothing worse then losing your childs respect].

-- kathy h (ckhart55@earthlink.net), January 06, 2001.

I don't know if it is possible for you to look at it as a disease, I know a lot of people think of it as a moral problem. It is nice that your friend has you to lean on and pray for her. There are times when the best I am able to do is just pray to be "willing" to pray for someone if I have a terrible resentment about them. I personally don't think "feelings" can be wrong or right. They just are. I heard once that if we follow "Truth" "Faith" will follow and eventually "Feelings" will catch up.

-- diane (gardiacaprines@yahoo.com), January 06, 2001.

The service offers help for these problems.They need to admit to the problem and avail themselves of that help.If they think they don't want people to know,guess what people there probably already do.And are probably wondering why he and his wife don't do something about it.

Call a Narcotics Anynomous chapter,if you have one in your area,to learn more about the problem,and also about people being enablers.Give this phone # and info to the sister.That is the best you can do for her.

Sounds like alot of hiding it in the closet is going on, but not knowing the situation,I certainly can't say. If this is the case,the family needs to give it the light of day,do an intervention if needed.Codling will only prolong all this.Not any different than AA for the most part.

This is tough on everyone,and sometimes people will lash out in frustration.Don't take it personal,and continue to be there for your friend, if possible.She needs the support,too.It's her sister,I'm sure it has to be hard on her.

-- sharon wt (wildflower@ekyol.com), January 06, 2001.

Paula,

I can easily feel that your are a compassionate person who feels a bit uncomfortable with how you are reacting to this situation. Perhaps I can offer the perspective that has helped me deal with people who carry on in frustratingly self-destructive ways.

I suggest this poor soul is definitely NOT enjoying herself, even though it may appear that way to others. Most probably every day brings h her an overwhelming black cloud of hopelessness from which she has no clue how to escape. She may have even read myriad articles or even books (when no one was looking) on the subject; could possibly have had awkward searching conversations with others who gave a kind ear; most assuredly she has on many a morning, screamed at, and made yet again another fruitless promise to that person in the mirror.

She may hurt to an extent completely beyond most people's ability to ever comprehend, yet those people cannot be judged for judging her as they do.

I humbly submit that how we view people with addictions of any kind, is the key to their healing...I also feel that many of our loved ones are in our lives as sacrifices to our own growth, and those dear suffering people will never find solace in this life, because they are living this life for the magnificent purpose of teaching great lessons to those with whom they come in contact.

It is indescribably tragic when we must helplessly observe innocent children as actors in these scenarios, and anger at the one who appears to be the cause of their undeserved pain is only a natural reaction. But I would gently suggest to you, that the great universal power, however you view it, and whatever name you call it, has even these sweet babies included in this grand and wonderful plan.

I think personally that the key to healing and preventing addictions (for all addictions come from a similar source), is that our communities, however that is defined for us personally, teach us how to love OURSELVES. Addicted people are all striving to just FEEL GOOD, even if its just for a few minutes, a few hours, a few days...they know no other way TO feel good.........and its so incredibly horrific to feel BAD all the time.....whatever they're addicted to....WORKS.....even tho they know its only in the short term......So my sermon is about my weirdo belief that one of the main reasons we are here in this earthly experience is to learn how to fall in love with ourselves. This is not contradictory to the christian experience........I am well versed in it; I was raised with fundamentalist christian values...................I think addicted people have not yet found their divine-endowed magnificence.....some "choose" to wait till another earthly life to find it......and they spend their lives here looking outside themselves for it, and find nothing but emptiness and sorrow. They know no better, they are not yet ready for the message that would save them, but their purpose is still clear and perfect: they are here for the rest of us, and god bless them one and all.

Perhaps this sheds some kind of light somewhere,

Blessings,

-- Earthmama (earthmama48@yahoo.com), January 06, 2001.

A VERY SINCERE THANK YOU TO ALL WHO'S RESPONDED. It's helped me to understand a little more,and I will continue to Pray for the entire family. I do hope My Best Friend will soon see and truely know just how much she means to me. THANKS AGAIN TO ALL; LOVE IN CHRIST,Paula

-- Paula (JEpaco13@aol.com), January 06, 2001.

I've just received an email from my friend telling me how selfcentered i was and that i only posted this because i wanted simpothy(ms). I really can't believe her sometimes.She also stated that i had no compassion for her sister, and i do to some degree, but... to another degree i don't,because her sister has always been a very hateful and vindictive person,especially to her family. I was told by my friend of 18yrs today that she didn't think she could ever feel the same as before about me,and that all i wanted was PITY??? I don't understand that one but...Whatever! It's really amazing how people you think you know you really don't. All i can do now is keep praying and hope oneday she'll understand. Paula

-- Paula (JEpaco13@aol.com), January 08, 2001.

Sometimes when a person (friend) is hurting they strike out at the people they care a lot about(you). Hang in there, your friend is going through one of the most horrible things, watching your family member destroy themselves and everyone around them and being powerless. Someday she will realize what she has done to your friendship.

My cousins wife's sister was a drug addict for years, gave her only daughter up for adoption because the drugs were more important. She finally got herself on methadone (sp), then off that and found she had destroyed her liver. Finally got on the transplant list (you have to be clean for a number of years) and I heard this weekend time has run out. Her body is shutting down, she has less than a 1% chance of getting better and is in a coma. The final pain for her mother and siblings - deciding when to pull the plug.

We all make choices in life, unfortunately some are not wise. The thing you can do now is try to be there for your friend, she's going through H--- and will need lots of love!

-- Betsy K (betsyk@pathwaynet.com), January 08, 2001.

You are sooo right about oneday she will see what she's done to our friendship. She wants no futher contact with me she's stated and all i can say to that is, It does Hurt deeply but... I may be better off in the long run. We've been Best Friends for so many years and i'll always love her and her kids but this is her choice and she has to live with or without it.I will continue to keep her in my prayers. I hope oneday she'll know what she let her SISTER do to her friendship with her" One True Best Friend." Things will Never be quite the same with us. I wish her the best in life. And... Thank you all for your input Paula.

-- Paula (JEpaco13@aol.com), January 08, 2001.

Paula, I know you are hurting, but if I were your friend I would be very unhappy that you were communicating to her like this on an open forum.

-- diane (gardiacaprines@yahoo.com), January 08, 2001.

Paula, I dont think you really understood my message.

I know this is gonna sound preachy to you, and I'm probably wasting my breath, but I feel compelled to give it another try anyway.

I do not believe that anyone can 'hurt' us without our permission. When we choose to blame anyone, for anything, we are always directing any responsibility we have for any situation that affects us AWAY from ourselves. It's too frightening, or confusing, or just plain difficult to contemplate how we could be contributing to the problem. In no way do I minimize the fact that you are hurting, but I contend that you are creating your own hurt, for it seems clear from here that you have taken an immovable position about your friend's sister, refusing to find compassion for her and judging her instead, even to the destruction of a friendship you claim to hold dear.

I do not see YOU as the victim here, but apparently you have chosen to be one anyway. That is your right, of course.

You say: "All i can do now is keep praying and hope oneday she'll understand."

Those are my exact words to you.

I really do wish you blessings,

-- Earthmama (earthmama48@yahoo.com), January 08, 2001.

Paula, I think Earthmama said a mouthfull when she wrote "no one can hurt us without our permission". That a lesson that's are to learn and one we want to rebel against.

You can't make anyone change. At most they'll put on an act. And always remember, if something doesn't come from the heart then it isn't worth having. Pray and let God take care of it. Forgive and let go. Don't know if you heard this or not, but there's a saying about letting go of a bird, if it leaves it wasn't your to begin with, if it comes back then it's yours. Something like that.

As far as an addiction goes. if that person doesn't want to change there's no way in heaven, earth, or hell that he/she will change. It aint' gonna happen. God can change his/her heart, but He won't make them change unless he/she asks for it. You force anything on anybody and it's gonna come out some other way. Peace.

-- Cindy (atilrthehony_1@yahoo.com), January 10, 2001.

You might find some insight in the latest issue of "Oprah" magazine, which addresses forgiveness from both sides. Though I am not one to tell someone to buy something, check it out at the library. I thought it was well-written.

Keep a lifeline to your friend. That many years shouldn't go down the drain without a fight for your relationship. Maybe a good, long PRIVATE talk would help. Send a card reminder her what she means to you. Listen. Losing a friend hurts, I'm there too. I haven't burned any bridges though, so if there are changes of heart I and she will be open to them. I wish you peace.

-- Anne (HT@HM.com), January 11, 2001.

Anna Thanks for you recomendation, But i've already talked to my Friend and I apologized for all the hurtful thing i said and told her when she's ready i'll be here for her.18yrs is too long to discard. I've always loved her and her kids are like my own, I hope she will contact me soon. We now live about 800miles apart but she and her kids will always be near and dear to my heart. I do wish the best for her during these hard times with her sister,and i'll continue to pray she finds her way to the LORD; Because without him she will stay lost in a world of drugs and heartache. My friend is a very soft hearted person and always tries to help,even when people or family members hurt her deeply;But she has the LORD on her side and i just wanted to tell her i was sorry for the things i'd said, she emailed me back and told me she'd already forgiven me in her heart. Thank you all for your insight to my problem, it has helped alot. LOVE IN CHRIST Paula.

-- Paula (JEpaco13@aol.com), January 12, 2001.

dear paula well, i used to be a drug addicts(about 3 years ago), i'm really sorry about your best friend's sister..i don't know how it feels to be suffered by my addiction(for exp: my family ) but i do know how it feels to be a junkie..all day 24-7 my mom keep on praying to CHRIST, in the end eventhough it takes quite a while (6 months back in 1998) I REALIZED that i must end this addiction.. it's hard not in the beginning not only my body craving for drugs but also my mind craving for it..in the end i realized that the only solution is: 1. i had give up and give all my feeling to GOD, let him to be my savior , and live a new life. 2. not only i had to keep the FAITH but also i had to change, and mostly my family and my friends didn't believe in me..but i showed them slowly but sure that i can change and keep on changing to be someone that LIVES A NEW LIFE IN JESUS.. PRAYER is the best weapon that we got..GOD is the creator of all things..SOMEDAY and SOMEHOW i believe that she can change.. ASK and then we will get it, probably not straight away..changes need time, and time will proof that love and prayer that will survive we will if we believe

-- hui wai (saputra_adi@hotmail.com), September 20, 2001.

You can see how far our forum has run aground when you read old posts like this. This was just from the first of the year! I think the restrictions on posts has made us worse, not better for it. Vicki

-- Vicki McGaugh TX (vickilonesomedoe@hotmail.com), September 20, 2001.