Newcomer seeks advice

greenspun.com : LUSENET : Countryside : One Thread

Hello. I've been lurking on the forum for a couple of weeks now and am impressed with what I see. It really is like a family. Perhaps youall can help. I have long dreamed of living a simpler, more self-reliant life style. I have recently been considering a possible caretaker position in another state where I could be self-supporting and homeschool our youngest daughter. There is a time constraint here as she is already a HS sophomore, but we both really want to do this. Financially the time is not ideal, but it is possible and the best it's been. The problem is that my husband has absolutely no interest in a Countryside lifestyle. I told him I wanted to leave my job and homeschool for a year or two, and he accepted the idea in theory (probably hoping I'll 'come to my senses' before anything happens). He would certainly not want to relocate, though he might accept a temporary separation. The question is how to reconcile very different desires, from lifestyle to climate? With our youngest soon to be grown (how the time flies), I am getting to the age where I need to decide what to do with the rest of my life, so suppose I'm looking for input on both the short term and long term issues. Thanks. Nina in TX

-- Nina Chick (Nchick4997@aol.com), December 31, 2000

Answers

How about moving to a small town where you can have both .He can be close to stores ,nightlife ,ect. You can have a garden , some animals and homeschool.A seperation probally would not be best for your marriage .

-- Patty (fodfarms@slic.com), December 31, 2000.

Another possibility.I have friends that are very different in their objectives.She likes to socialize and have nice things.He's more a hermit and loves the woods.Sound familiar?

For the last 10 plus years,she stays at their home,closer to the city and her work, interests and family. He stays up at the cabin that he's been building,thru the week, near his family and comes home for long weekends.They talk on the phone every morning & evening.

I told them the only reason they are still together is because they each have their time to do what they like.If they lived in the same house all the time,they'd be divorced,because one or the other would be having to settle.They agreed.

Something to ponder,any way.

-- sharon wt (wildflower@ekyol.com), December 31, 2000.


start slow,, a small garden,, maybe a rabbit or 2,, keep it simple and move up gradually,, maybe he wont even notice he is homesteading

-- Stan (sopal@net-port.com), December 31, 2000.

Nina,

You should get your feet wet before jumpen in. Have you tried growing a summers worth of veggies in your yard yet? Do you take care of the plants you do have? (Do you have plants now?) Make sure you've made it through a season before moving somewhere else to do what you've only thought about. I'm not saying you won't make it, but be sure you'd enjoy it, and get something from it, or else you'll learn to hate your choices, and everyone associated with them.

Perhaps home school, read "Suburban self-sufficiency", and grow that season of veggies and raise that 50 gal tub of egyption mouth breeders (a fast growing fish), and see how it fits. If it's where your supposed to be, you'll end up there right on time.

Best wishes

-- Marty (Mrs.Puck@Excite.com), December 31, 2000.


If you have a little ground where you are now, do as my wife and I are doing, micro farm. We have only 1 acre, but have a high output, intensified garden and worm ranch going now and have plans to expand into rabbits and possibly milk goats in the next couple of seasons. There are many great texts available on the subject. If you can get started where you are, your husband may come around to acceptance. Also with the current economic situation, modern homesteading would be a big assist.

-- Jay Blair in N. AL (jayblair678@yahoo.com), December 31, 2000.


Better not force things.Find a small place near where you are but out in the country a bit. My better half could not have cared less for country living 35 years ago.We bought 3 acres 25 miles from Pensacola and have made a small homestead that furnishes a large percentage of our food.I made sure Ann always had a car so that she could visit the daughters/mall/stores etc.whenever she wanted.She grew to love country life.Now nothing could persuade her to give up this place (unless it was one further out).Get hubby in the country without making him give up all the things he loves.Country life will get him if it's not forced on him..Guaranteed

-- JT in nw Fl (gone2seed@hotmail.com), December 31, 2000.

Compromise, compromise, compromise.

I was born to homesteading. I come from long lines of farmers, pioneers and mountain folk. It never bothered me to walk the last half mile to my log cabin in the woods or do without electricity and that kind of thing. I married a town boy who liked the concept of living in the country, but never really considered the lifestyle.

Instead of a big ol' farm house or a log cabin on massive acres, we have a new manufactured home on five acres. I grow organic fruit and veggies and chickens, train horses, homeschool my kids and enjoy my lifestyle to it's fullest.

My husband has his job that he likes that pays well, his home in the country in a pastoral setting, minimal farmwork and an economy car that he can run to town in anytime he wants, which is way more than I ever want to do.

We live on one income. I get a set monthly household budget out of which all of my homesteading stuff comes out of, and any money I make from produce or timber is mine. In return, my husband has a nice comfortable home, good food on his plate, well mannered children that love him and most important, a wife that is busy and happy.

I get to do what I love to do. I do without a lot of things other people might consider neccessary and I have a happy husband.

I was never happy in town and he was never happy with never-ending old house projects.

-- Laura (gsend@hotmail.com), December 31, 2000.


Nina, make sure that what you are feeling is the urge for change and not the panic of your last child leaving. My youngest is also 16, a high school sophomore, and I will admit that when he is gone just for weekends, I will look across the empty room at just me and the husband and panic will set in. Even though we homestead, we still have found ourselves at an impass as to where the rest of our lives will take us. For instance I was shocked to hear that he wants to have more time to just work in his shop, and also wants to get much more into furniture/woodworking, while I on the other hand want to get much more involved with showing goats (Nationals), have hopes of being a director for ADGA, and also a laison position with the Texas Animal Health Commission. When we sat down to talk about this, we couldn't have been further apart for goals when we retire. He finds wealth in having the big tractor, while to me wealth is having the money to hire out someone else with their tractor :)

A temporary seperation is never temporary, I think there is probably much more to this than meets the eye....Sounds like you need to sit down with your husband and talk about this, perhaps he isn't the person you will spend the end half of your life with, perhaps you will spend it with yourself! Vicki

-- Vicki McGaugh TX (vickilonesomedoe@hotmail.com), December 31, 2000.


I wanted to add something to my previous post. The "Countryside lifestyle" is more a state of mind than anything. Hold onto the dream and aim toward it and it will come.My wife watches me work our 2 garden plots or tend my 2 plum trees (which I use for wine for celebrations like tonite) and she sees a man as happy as if he were working a 200 acre farm. BTW our 35 x 70 foot garden area produced enough to stock our larder, take some to the local farmers market and enough to trade for this computer I use. Someday we hope to have 10 to 20 acres, for now this little acre will do just fine.

-- Jay Blair in N. AL (jayblair678@yahoo.com), December 31, 2000.

When is the right time? I like Jay's answer.

I love it here in the country and I wouldn't trade it for anything. Now the work that goes into this farm, Sometimes I envy my friends who hold a nine to five job, they come home and relax, they don't have to worrie if all the animals are feed or the stalls are cleaned, or the fields are plowed and the hay is made. Granted the degree of homesteading varies with the size of your place and your economics.

I'll be out in a field making hay and neighbors will stop and help. We drive out to the city and people give you a friendly wave when you pass. A death in the family and a neighbor will come by and take care of my animals. Some one looses their home from a fire, and the comunity bands together. I can't hear traffic noises. I can hear the turkeys calling. I can walk up on a hill and see the heavens like you have never seen before. I can live off of my land and it's the freedom I feel.

My same friends envy me. Good luck.

-- hillbilly (internethillbilly@hotmail.com), January 01, 2001.



My husband didn't share my idea of country living although he loved me enough to go along with buying 6 acres an hour away from his job. Now I always hear how he hates this house everytime something goes wrong. Or how he can't wait to go back to work so he doesn't have to work so hard doing things on his days off. He hates chicken poop being on the driveway and got tired of pork from my raised hogs.

Sorry for this turn off, but I happen to be one of the few it didn't work for. Maybe if we had bought a house already standing with a barn and fencing, it would have been different. I still have 3 acres left to fence that I have to do alone because he gets poison ivy so bad (another reason to hate this house) I not sure if this helped with your question.

-- Dee (gdgtur@goes.com), January 01, 2001.


Good grief Vicki.Please don't ever take a job as a marriage counselor.

-- JT in nw Fl (gone2seed@hotmail.com), January 01, 2001.

Common JT, what did I say that everyone else wasn't thinking to themselves :) Some grow together, most grow apart but just stay together because it is comfortable.....and of course for the kids. Vicki

-- Vicki McGaugh TX (vickilonesomedoe@hotmail.com), January 01, 2001.

I agree w/ Vicki,there are times we{hs and me}look at each other and say "are you for real,you want what!"I think or should say know there are times when we dislike our partner and think I can do this w/ out him/her and that period of time may last a day or a week or forever. I like to stay at home I am antisocial my Hs is Mr. social and that caused problems until we agreed we did not need to be jioned at the hip at all times and he does not need to like goats but I do. I guess we have deceided in order to stay together we must live apart in some ways. I do not ask him to help build a shed and he does not ask me to go watch football w/ the gang. It is not perfect but it works for us and thats all that counts.

-- renee oneill{md.} (oneillsr@home.com), January 01, 2001.

Thanks to everyone for taking the time to respond. You've given me lots of food for thought. I even asked my husband to read the thread, and we're talking things over. Thanks again.

-- Nina in E TX (Nchick4997@aol.com), January 02, 2001.


Dear Nina I wish you all the luck in the world, and warm wishes that you will find your way . If there is one thing that I have learned in life it is that nobody can say what is the best thing for you because only your own heart knows. Change and rebirth can sometimes be so long and painful. One thing that has helped me throughout my life has been to write down what I really want in life,to look and see if I am making any ground towards these goals. Sometimes , like a sink full of dirty dishes, the pile of work looks too deep, but if I jump in and pick one dish to wash , even if it is my favorite cobalt blue coffee cup,( and washing it is sort of a pleasure). Well if I get that one washed, then it's easier to pick up just one more and soon I have started to daydream as I have been known to do , and suddenly half of the dishes are done so I go ahead and finish them up. So Nina I guess what i have been trying to say is that it has worked for me to start with one little thing , then work my way up. BBBBBuut you know everybody is different. I imagine it must be very hard if your husbands life goals are not the same as yours, Maybe if the two of your set down and wrote down your one year , your five year , and your twenty year plans for your life. Really think about how you would like your life to be . Compare your plans with each others , share your dreams with each other, and see if there is room for both of your goals. wishing you all the luck Trennie

-- Trendle Ellwood (trendlespin@msn.com), January 02, 2001.

My partner and I struck a deal three years ago. We would live in town until his youngest was independent, then we would move out into the country for "a while." While we are in town, I am keeping goats and chickens and doing what gardening I can in our small space. It's been a great learning experience, and I'm really glad I've made all my mistakes on a small scale first (so far).

My partner helped with the fencing and also with the last building project. He has helped make space for my needs. He helps with handling heavy items like hay. He has done some gardening, and has made himself available during times of unusual stress (bringing towels out for kidding, for example). In short, he will lend me the occasional hand (sweet), but it's mostly my baby. When we move to the country, he will undoubtedly help with fencing, construction, and some gardening, but again, the rest will likely be mine to handle.

On the other hand, he understood when he spent every free moment for seven months working on the boat we both enjoy, and I contributed a total of about eight hours' work. We just have different interests, and he really appreciated the help I did give him.

Between home and my full-time job, I frequently feel overworked, but hey, it's my choice and I love the homesteading part of my life, so I guess I'll continue for a while longer. Everyone has to find a compromise that works well for them. Good luck!

-- Laura Jensen (lauraj@seedlaw.com), January 02, 2001.


Nina, communicate, communicate, communicate!!! Your partner can't read your mind, if he can understand your needs, he can understand the compromise that will allow it to happen! My husband of 20 years and I sometimes disagree intensly about things, we don't take this personally, we try to understand the others' need for said thing, and communicate until some understanding, notice I didn't say problem solved, is reached between us. Life is never just black or white, a yes or no answer, life is the journey, and your partner is the path, not the vehicle.

-- Annie Miller in SE OH (annie@1st.net), January 03, 2001.

Hi Nina Hey dont give up on your husband. 17 years ago I started begging my husband to move us to the country. He did not want to leave his single mom who still had kids at home. SOOO I was stuck in houston. We had a couple of kids and life went on. When my yongest was in 1st grade I found my dream place, 2 hours from houston. I took my huby to see it and he said no. The kids cried and creid I creid and yelled. We got in a big fight. during the fight I rememberd that he had benn wanting to go to school. So I ask him what he wanted to go to school for? He said he wanted to be a teacher. Wow I never knew that. SO I told him I would put him through school if he would move us to the country after that. I did, He did, and now we have a 5 bedroom house in the country. I have my homestead, and he teaches school We are very happy. He does alot of work on the homestead, I dont ask him to. I think he likes it. He is always planning new projects I am a very lucky lady. I dont know what I would do without him. You might could think of somthing that your huby would like and work something out. God Bless Lisa in TX

-- Lisa in TX. (wtxhomestead@safzone.net), January 04, 2001.

Moderation questions? read the FAQ