i'll have to ask my husband?

greenspun.com : LUSENET : Countryside : One Thread

ok this might come out sounding all wrong but i hope not. i have noticed that alot of my "independent" female friends cant make a simple choice w/ out first asking hubby, now i am not talking big things like buying a house or car but plain simple things like tring a new food or going to the park w/ the kids. what is it w/ all these woman whom claim to be so independent and world wise? now sure we talk about big issues but when it comes to day to day life he trusts me 100%and i him,it seems when people get out in the "real" world they lose selfconfidence, and are looking for outside aprovel all the time. is that what happens when you go main stream?

-- renee oneill (oneillsr@home.com), October 10, 2000

Answers

There is a big difference between "asking permission" and sharing ones' plans for the day or the meal or the outing or whatever. If someone were to tell me about a new recipe for example, I would speak with my husband before i served it for dinner only to be polite..e.g." I heard about this great sounding recipe for corned beef, would you like to try it"? Maybe after 30 years I've forgotten that he hates corned beef..who knows? If someone said to me, let's go thte park this afternoon, I would say sure, let me check with my husband and see if he has any plans. This is just common courtesy in a marriage. When a person is married, they should have their own pursuits and interests..I do not ask my husband if he "minds" if I paint landscapes, nor does he ask me if it is alright to make birdfeeders in the workshop, yet, there needs to be an awareness that you are in a life-long partnership...so when issues of outings and meals arise, neglect of the other spouse can become a domino effect negative kind of thing. Same goes for the husband calling to let the wife know that he has been invited to play softball with the guys after work and does she mind? Courtesy to one's life partner! "Outside approval"? Your spouse is not an outsider, but your partner...I do not call that being dependent, I call it a choice to put your partner in life before your own needs. If all spouses did that, all the time, there would be no divorces! God bless.

-- Lesley (martchas@gateway.net), October 10, 2000.

I don't believe that any husband or wife has to ask their respective other for permission to do anything. I do, however, feel common courtesy and respect is in order for all issues. When you enter into a life long commitment to each other every facet of each others lifes becomes one. As individuals each has their own opinion, and should be shared. My husband and I have been married for 22 years and I am proud to say it is a happy one. Neither of us has ever asked for their o.k. to do anything and I feel it is because nothing that each of us cares to do would negatively affect the other. Respect is the key word along with communication.

-- Connie Fields (Cfields6@aol.com), October 10, 2000.

Renee, could these possibly women who got married at a very young age? It must be a burden to their spouses to have to make all the decisions for the wife!

My circle of friends do not ask permission to do things. We inform our husbands of our plans, listen to their concerns and do what we want anyway, just like they do. Ask permission to try a new recipe? I don't think so. Would he ask my permission to do something differently at his job? No.

Joint decisions are made about the major things. Children's education, large purchases and the location of the chicken coop.

I bought our horse while my husband was away at training and could not be contacted. Most of the women I know kept telling me that is the kind of thing husbands get real upset about. My Dear Spouse was glad we got a horse and it didn't take any time, effort or thought on his part to get one.

It is just my opinion, but a wife can be trampled by a husband's authority, THAT SHE GIVES HIM, over her life if she doesn't have distinct boundaries defining her personhood and role in the marriage partnership. Assuming the role of a child asking permission, seems...well, unhealthy.

-- Laura (gsend@hotmail.com), October 10, 2000.


Well, I can see where some people might get that impression of me. The truth is that sometimes it's a convenient excuse! Example: your best friend wants you to babysit her three kids for the entire weekend, you can't stand to be around them for more than an hour, but don't want to hurt her feelings. So, you say, I'll ask my husband. You talk to hubby, tell him you'd rather spend the weekend enjoying his company, and he agrees with you. So, you call up your friend and apologize, saying that you and your honey talked it over and decided that you had other plans. Why not just say no? Some friends can't take no for an answer! They want to know why, or get pushy or whiney on you. When hubby says no, that the end of it! Otherwise, I think there are times when it is considerate, and very necessary to consult one's spouse about something. For example, if you are considering starting a home business that will take most of the family savings to start up, or you want to convert to a new religion that will seriously impact your life together,or you are thinking to go to an event some distance away and to carpool with a man friend. Even small things, such as where to put the new outhouse(he/she has to use it,too!)if you are thinking about getting a butch haircut, it might be nice to give him some warning so you don't scare him to death,if you are planning on doing something together, it would be prudent to ask him, to make sure he'll be off work at that time, and that he'd like to do this, too. I think asking about whether it's OK to try a new recipe is a bit extreme. Though I sometimes will ask mine about what he'd like, simply because I can't decide between two things that day. Some women are involved in abusive, controlling relationships where they had better ask their oppressor about everything unless they want him to go ballistic! My ex used to order me what to wear, how to fix my hair, how to walk, who I could have for friends, who could look at the baby, etc. It got tireesome in a hurry.

-- Rebekah (daniel1@transport.com), October 10, 2000.

My Dad always explained that he and Mom had an agreement. She made all the little decisions and he made all the large decisions and so far, there had never been any large decisions. They were very happily married for over 40 years. My husband wanted to be asked about everything. I didn't give in however. It wouldn't have been good for him. And we had an agreement to use each other as an excuse if we needed to. I do not like to see one person in a marriage making all decisions. As my Mom said, "If one person is making all the decisions, only one person is doing the thinking." As you can tell, my parents were great fun.

-- Cheryl Cox (bramblecottage@hotmail.com), October 10, 2000.


Renee, I have often wondered the same thing, and I am glad you asked the question. I think you are getting some really good explanations. Although, now that I've read Rebekah's post, I'll always be wondering if my friends are "using" their husband as an excuse! LOL!

-- Joy Froelich (dragnfly@chorus.net), October 10, 2000.

Yes, Rebekah, using your spouse for a "No" answer is a good nonconfrontational tactic. I guess both my husband and I use that one to set boundaries with friends and aquaintances. I think my parents used that on us kids when we asked something. "Go ask you dad," pretty much meant "No."

When we read about the Virtuous Wife in Proverbs, Chapter 31, we see a woman who is clearly not under any man's thumb. Her husband trusts her and she has authority over her household and her own business. We see also that along with exercising her rights, she also exercises her responsibilities.

-- Laura (gsend@hotmail.com), October 11, 2000.


That would be the day I had to ask his permission for everything .We talk about big things and large purchases say over $100.00 .But if I feel its a good choice I would do it without talking to him first .If I every had to ask for every little thing my last question before I left would be "what side of the cast iron fry pan would you like to be hit in the head with hunny ?"

-- Patty Gamble (fodfarms@slic.com), October 11, 2000.

If the "I'll have to ask my husband" comment is equal to the number of "I'll have to ask my wife" comments in a marriage, I think it's probably going to work out. Unless, of course, both spouses use it to excess. In that case maybe they need some assertiveness training!

I admit, there are times when I want to use the "I'll have to ask my husband" when I know I should just say "no". While it may seem easier to say that I have to discuss something, in reality it's easier to just get it over with and decline. To me it sometimes has to do with not wanting to hurt someone's feelings, or being put on the spot for an invitation that I don't want to accept. It has to do with being socially graceful sometimes.

-- sheepish (rborgo@gte.net), October 11, 2000.


thanks for letting me hear some other ideas, it just really drives me nuts when all i hear is let me ask my husband.i dont know why but it seems like more of the"working "class friends say it the the farm ones.i guess i am lucky, if i had to ask hubby about every thing i would just sit around all day . he is gone from 5or6am until after dark w/ no way to get in touch w/ him,pretty dull days i would have!

-- renee oneill (oneillsr@home.com), October 11, 2000.


My hubby is our spiritual leader of our family & I try to discuss most things with my hubby. We also try to pray over most of our decisions we make also! I think those who really do discuss things with their hubby probably have a better communication & in return probably have a better relationship for the effort. I don't in any way expect my hubby to make my decisions for me/ but I do feel I need to always discuss decisions with him/ if I made the decision or it was a joint decision or his decision/ or what we feel God is telling us to do!! I think there would be far less divorces if more men took on their responsibility as spiritual leader in the family & more of there responsibilities that the bible says is their responsibility! And if more women allowed their hubby to be the leader of the family & make more of the decisions!!!And most of all if more couples prayed about more decisions & put God in charge!! When I say I want to discuss it with my hubby ---I want to discuss it with my hubby!!!! (And it really isn't anyone else's business)Just my 2 cents worth! Sonda in Ks.

-- Sonda (sgbruce@birch.net), October 11, 2000.

I know this is a serious question and a real sore spot for some women; one of my best friends asks permission for everything and I feel sorry for her. But here's the way the "I'll ask my wife" scenario plays out here.

We're sitting quietly in the family room, reading, watching t.v or something. He says,"So-and-so came into the shop today. He's the one who (here follows a detailed description of who so-and-so is). He's got a (new big boy's toy) for sale. It's a really good deal." Long silence. My dear husband is a Minnesota talker. Takes him a long time to get said what he wants to say. Long pauses are not necessarily an invitation to put in an opinion, since I don't yet have all the facts. I finally say, "How much?" After a respectable pause, there is a more detailed description of the new whatever and then , finally, the figure. I say, "You're going to get it, aren't you?" He smiles.

Since he's very careful with money and doesn't ask for much to keep him happy, this works for us. On the other hand, I tend to blurt out what I want and he says,"It's up to you." Isn't it wonderful that so many of us are happy in our marriages. I wish everyone could be.

-- Peg (NW WI) (wildwoodfarms@hushmail.com), October 11, 2000.


I have a friend whose wife doesn't ask him anything. She just tells him what she's doing and expects him to schedule his life around it. This includes a big vacation she took with her sisters which meant he needed to use up his vacation time to stay with the kids and it was during the most hectic time of the year at work. On the other hand, I used to have to ask permission to do anything - or I would hear about it for the rest of my life. Big part of why I'm not still married.

I think it's wonderful that there are so many marriages with good communication, respect and mutual understanding. It gives me hope.

-- Deborah (ActuaryMom@hotmail.com), October 11, 2000.


There have been some good answers given. I would ask my husband about something that would affect him -- he's a picky eater, so I do sometimes ask him before trying a new recipe! When you are married, you have to live together in some degree of cooperation and harmony, and the cooperation and harmony will last longer if there is mutual respect and consideration. I have probably also used the "I'll have to ask my husband" excuse a few times to get out of something I didn't want to do, but only when it was someone who wouldn't take a straight "No" answer. But I also am perfectly capable of making my own decisions about things, and frequently have to, as he is working seven days a week and not always around when I need him. We are looking forward to getting out of the "rat race"!

-- Kathleen Sanderson (stonycft@worldpath.net), October 11, 2000.

Lesley said it very well for me! It's not that I can't think for myself because I certainly can but out of respect to my husband to ask his opinion on most things. I would never deliberately do anything he was against but most of the time we both go along with the other person because of our love for each other, we want the other to be happy. Like Sonda, I feel couples would be better off to pray about their decisions, esp. major ones. My husband and I have a great love for each other and this includes respect. We treat each other with consideration and love. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you is a great thing to remember in a marriage!

-- bwilliams (bjconthefarm@yahoo.com), October 11, 2000.


I use the ask the husband out of consideration too. Sometimes I use it to control my impulsive ideas. If I ask him (I am not looking for a yes or no but a "what do you think") then he can help me consider all the pros and cons of some wild and crazy idea I have. A lot of times he is right- I figure this out when I do it anyway and regret it!

-- Amy Richards (tiggerwife@aol.com), October 11, 2000.

Moderation questions? read the FAQ