Do you believe in fate? Is there one "right" person for you? Do you believe you've found him or her?

Do you think about past relationships, what went wrong, what you should have done differently? Do you have regrets?

And what's more important to you in a relationship -- the initial electricity, or long term compatibility? What are you missing?

-- Anonymous, August 03, 2000

Answers

I'm more a subscriber to the "5% rule." I figure that about 5% of the people in the world are compatible enough with me for me to have a good, long-lasting relationship with them. This works a lot better for me than the "The One" theory, which always bothered me, because what if "The One" is a prepubescent boy living in Cambodia? I mean, really. And 5% of the people in the world is a pretty big number.

In a relationship, I'll take longterm compatibility over initial electricity any day. Sure, those long nights spent arguing about philosophy are grand, but what's even better is waking up on a Sunday morning and having somebody make you an English muffin "because I only wanted half of mine." Or knowing that he thinks you're a cutie even when you've just woken up with bedhead. Or having a spat about the damn GARBAGE of all things but making it up later, because you both really do respect each other's feelings.

Relationships are hard work at first, but I agree, they do get vastly easier over time.

-- Anonymous, August 03, 2000

This might surprise some people who think of me as the eternal romantic, but I believe the key to success in a relationship is two people who want to make it work. I think it's more about timing than fate.

I don't believe there's only one "right person" for me. I used to, but then I met another one. Took awhile. They were 14 years apart.

I believe in fate to some degree. That something was meant to be. But I don't think something was meant to be if it destroys other people in the process. I have been attracted to met I met who were attached, and I did nothing. I never want to be that girl, no matter how appealing the man is. (I can feel a journal entry forming in my head as I write this, so thanks Beth, because I'm really reaching for material lately).

I think about past relationships a lot, but not in a beat-myself-up kind of way. I have few regrets.

And it's nice to start with chemistry. I don't think initial electricity precludes long-term compatibility. Although, to be honest, I haven't been able to prove this theory. All of the men I had initial heat-seeking missle chemistry with, the relationship ended eventually. But the same went for the safe, staid, men as well.

I have no idea what I'm talking about anymore, so I'm going to stop.

-- Anonymous, August 03, 2000

No, I don't - or maybe what I mean to say is that I believe people have numerous 'soulmates', that is, those people who, for whatever reason, touch their hearts in a lasting way.

But I don't think being a soulmate, however it is defined, has anything to do with compatibility and sometimes it can get in the way. If you want to get karmic, there are some people who seem to be cosmically linked in a very destructive way, not able to get enough distance from each other to let go, and not able to get along.

What makes things work, as far as I can see, is a blend of chemistry (that ability to touch hearts, if you will), circumstance - being in the right place at the right time and being able to sustain those conditions within each person's tolerance levels - andan openness to compromise and caring about each other's well being.

The odds go way down in absense of any of those, no matter how much you may think you're 'meant' for each other.

The idea of one soulmate bugs me mostly because of what it shuts off in terms of possibility. Too easy to decide when things are difficult that 'he's just not The One' and too easy to walk away from what you have because sparks fly elsewhere and instead of really thinking about whether this option fits with your own sense of ethics, you can claim some sort of grand destiny at play that supercedes your own sense of fairplay. And that doesn't even address the tragedy of what happens if the person you believe is your soulmate doesn't work out, or dies, or etc.... do you spend the rest of your life in misery because you blew your only shot at happiness?

-- Anonymous, August 03, 2000

I think a great many people confuse "finding my soulmate" with "Gosh, I'm really lusty for this person." I think it is possible to have the chemistry, but chemistry ain't what it is all about.

For lack of a better expression, holding out or swearing by the soulmate concept is a pile of pooo...

I think soulmate thing is a consequence of predestination ideals, where God/power/Buddah/etc is up in the sky with the puppet strings controlling our lives. Isn't so... that's just an excuse for not taking responsibility for your life.

Which makes sense when you look at the number of divorces. When you enter into marriage, even in the best of relationships, you have to be prepared to make it work. Both of you. Love & relationships have to be worked on and the soulmate theory doesn't lend enough to that reality to be a viable reality.

I rather agree with the 5% theory myself. There are lots of people who you can be happy with - even elated - but you have to chose to do so...

-- Anonymous, August 03, 2000

I think I agree with the 5% thing too. I don't think there is one right person for me. I think there are a small number of people in the world who are right for me, and chances are I will find them if I keep my heart open and keep looking. There are also a larger number of people who are all right for me, but with whom I'm not going to find long lasting happiness.

I'm with someone right now who I consider a soulmate, but he's not the first one, and there are areas where we mesh that I didn't mesh with the others, and vice versa. If things ended with us tomorrow I'm sure I'd be with somebody else soon enough.

I think a lot of people use the idea of having one right person to keep themselves from taking the risk of falling in love, but that doesn't mean the whole idea is suspect.

I also think it's one of those "there are two kinds of people in the world" issues and you either get it or don't.

I do think about past relationships and what went wrong and what I could have done differently. This is a large part of what therapy has been about for me. I have a few regrets but don't beat myself up over them. I have regrets about other things in my life too, and whatever the opposite of regrets is as well.

The initial electricity is really more important to me and always has been. It's missing now, after 9 years. I plan to stay with my mate as long as it's good but I don't see the point of staying with someone just for the sake of keeping a long term thing going. I'm pretty cynical about this, probably because my parents had an unhappy marriage and each blossomed after they broke up.

-- Anonymous, August 03, 2000

I know that I have met my soulmate, actually I met him almost 5 years ago, have been with him for 4 years, and married to him for almost 2 years.

I knew the day I met him that someday he would be my husband. Would I be happy with someone else? I don't know. If my relationships before him are any indicator, no.

-- Anonymous, August 03, 2000

Fate: no. I refuse to believe that there is some karmic force in charge of my destiny, especially since most of the time it's pretty obvious that what happens to me is my own damn fault.

Past relationships: not really. I don't regret, basically. Every new relationship has just been that much more exciting than the previous one, and also, the new one couldn't have happened without the groundwork laid by the previous relationships. So if I regretted anything I'd also have to regret where I am now.

I guess by "electricity" you mean "chemistry" - I think of the former as just physical attraction whereas the latter seems more like the "soulmate" feeling. But maybe that's just me. Anyway I think it is more important, because you can always wear into the grooves as Beth put it, but without the initial spark then, well, you have nothing.

-- Anonymous, August 03, 2000

I don't believe in the single soulmate theory either. I hadn't heard of the 5% theory before, but I like it.

I do think about past relationships, and what went wrong. I don't get the analogy of the exam - I mean, sure, the course is over and there's no point in worrying about it anymore, but what if your problem is the way you take the test? Maybe exams make you tense, and you need to learn to relax. Or whatever. For me it's the same with relationships - it's not useful to spin your wheels with what-ifs, but it is useful to notice patterns.

And I definitely have regrets. Absolutely. I have not acted perfectly, and my mistakes have sometimes been fairly prominent in the causal chain that led to the relationship breaking down. So I regret having made those mistakes, although it's not something I dwell on much. But I hope that recognizing the places where things went wrong will help me to recognize crisis points in the future, and act more wisely.

Joanne

-- Anonymous, August 03, 2000

I do not believe in soulmates. I think it's silly overall. I have been with several people in the past who given different circumstances I could have had a very happy life with. I love my husband that way. I can picture our future together -- but he isn't the only one I have ever felt that way about and if something were to happen, I know I could find someone else who would make me happy as well.

Long term compatibility is definately key. There needs to be a comfort level. There have been people in my life who made me very excited, nervous, fluttery whatever and I NEVER felt truly comfortable with that. On the other hand, Rane makes me feel that way AND I don't care if I look like crap when I wake up in the morning or if I paint in my underwear. I'll take that anyday. Long-term relationships go through all kinds of stuff and if all you have is electricity, when the going gets tough you are both going to want to bail.

I always toyed with the idea that if there WERE actually soulmates -- why wouldn't they be your family? Or a close friend? People you are with so much more in your life? Or relationships that aren't romantic? There are those who believe we chose where we come "to" in this life -- to whom we will be born, etc. So why wouldn't old souls or soulmates gather together in a family? To me that makes more sense. I always thought that was a more interesting way to look at it.

-- Anonymous, August 03, 2000

Sure, I believe in soul mates, fate, whatever I need to believe in something these days. Oh, I found my soul mate twice and preceded to fuck up one, the other one was already way beyond repair.

Yes I think about past relationships  hell that is the only type of relationships I have. However, I do not really regret what I have done, as I do everything for a reason.

I do think that it is a combination of that initial electricity, followed by long-term compatibility that is important in a relationship I am missing both

-- Anonymous, August 03, 2000

No, I don't believe in soulmates. I'm also married to a wonderful man, happy as a sandboy ... all the cliches. But come on - I'm 25! If Tristan was hit by a truck tomorrow I'd be devestated, but life would go on. I'd eventually meet somebody else, I'd be happy again.

In my opinion, the secret to meeting the person you end up marrying/being with forever is meeting them at the right time. If I'd met Tristan a year earlier I don't think we'd have got on all that well, but we met at the perfect time, and so we knew after a weekend that we wanted to be together, and were engaged five months later (and married a year after that). It wasn't fate or anything like that - it was luck. And if we'd missed each other I would have met somebody else, and would be sitting here thinking they were the perfect person.

I actually think people who go for this soulmate thing are undervaluing themselves. Do they really think this is the only person in the world who would love them the way their current partner loves them? That's sad.

-- Anonymous, August 03, 2000

I guess at some point in my life I believed in fate and destiny and "the one", but that was a long time ago. My idea of a soulmate is someone who will still be able to make me laugh when my teeth are in a glass by the side of the bed.

I've been in love more than once - passionately, foolishly, resignedly, ecstatically - each person has been different. I don't regret anything, not even the married guy who "forgot" to tell me that his pregnant wife was living in England awaiting the birth of their child.

We make choices and we learn to live with them, and hopefully we gain some knowledge about ourselves along the way.

-- Anonymous, August 03, 2000

I thought the whole "soulmate" idea was airheaded claptrap, until I met mine.

-- Anonymous, August 03, 2000

I think a lot of people who talk about soulmates use the idea as their grand excuse. It's either someone who's in a really screwed up relationship---where everyone else can see it's just a disaster--- "but s/he's my soulmate so we have to stay together!!" The other time it pops up is when someone leaves a current relationship (often marriage) for someone they just met, claiming the new person is their soulmate. Bah.

I believe that "even if he's 1 in a million, that means there's 500,000 out there", and I'm a strong believer in Right Person, Right Time. When I look back over my dating life, I realize that the last several years were definately Wrong Person (so it might have been Right Time, but that's irrelevant). Before that, I think there were two Right Persons, but I was just too young. If we had been married (me with just one of them, not both!) it wouldn't have worked, because it was the Wrong Time.

Now, I'm with Right Person, Right Time, and we are really happy. It really does make a difference when everything comes together, and I finally believe what my friends have said about "just knowing".

-- Anonymous, August 03, 2000

As someone who decided in the past couple of months to end a marriage, this certainly touched a nerve. We got along fine - never argued, lived compatibly, but never took time for each other. Now that it's ending, we're taking time, talking, (re?)-discovering each other. It's very bittersweet. Another time, another place, things might have been different.

I never believed in 'the ONE' even though that's how I was raised. It seemed too improbable, and besides, if even one person picks the wrong one, wouldn't that screw up everyone else's 'right' one? We might as well all give up now. . .

-- Anonymous, August 03, 2000

I like to think of it as "Right Place, Right Time".

I met my boyfriend when I went to go buy art supplies. There were two art supply stores in the area, but one was closed that day. Of the three people that were working at the store I went to, I ended up talking to the guy with the silly hat and the overalls. He was interested in the project I was working on, and I gave him my phone number. I had never done anything like that, and even at the time, I wasn't attracted to the guy.

Somewhere along the line, we hooked up, and our first anniversary is next week.

What if I had decided to wait a day before I bought supplies? What if I had talked to the girl that was working that day? What if I had gone to a diferent store? My life would have been completely different. Is Jay my "soulmate"? No. I don't believe in them. But maybe fate or destiny gives us a little push in the right direction, and it's up to us to decide what to do.

-- Anonymous, August 03, 2000

I wrote about this awhile back, myself.

No. I do not believe, at all, in Mr. Right. I don't believe in "the one." And I agree with Beth--that doesn't make me any less of a romantic.

Instead I believe in variables. I believe in time, place and circumstances.

A year ago I left a long term relationship. It was a relationship that I believe might have really worked if we had met eachother five years later than we did. If we both had had the opportunity to grow up a little more. There was a time when I completely believed he was the one for me. There was no other.

If that had been true, I would be seriously out of luck at 28.

Sometimes Mr. Right lives in Alaska and you live in Texas. Sometimes Mr. Right has religious views that are in direct conflict with yours. Sometimes Mr. Right works for you. Sometimes he's married. Sometimes Mr. Right doesn't love you yet. Sometimes he never will.

I think it's a matter of finding someone you love deeply and passionately--mutually, then spending a lot of time working your asses off to keep the variables in your favor.

-- Anonymous, August 03, 2000

Heather, I believe pretty much the same thing about destiny/fate/whatever (go here if you want read my full answer to that).

As for soulmates, I do believe in them, but perhaps not in the commonly accepted sense of the word. I believe that every person has several soulmates, whether it be in romance or friendship. I have a friend in Holland that I've never met face to face, we've never spoken over the phone and I've only heard her voice a few times via voice chat (my microphone isn't working right now). She's become one of dearest friends over the last year and a half. She is one of my soulmates and thinks of me in the same way. I have other very close friends who are also soulmates.

I don't have a romantic soulmate right now, but I'm sure that won't be the case for too much longer (I hope). I have been involved with a couple of men that I was sure were soulmates (not necessarily The One, but a couple of the Several), but life proved me wrong. Which is ok. I know someone will come along at some point, I'll be in a relationship with another terrific guy, and maybe it'll stick this time. If it doesn't, to coin a cliche, there are other fish in the sea.

-- Anonymous, August 03, 2000

I honestly don't want to get into the whole debate about whether soulmates exist or not. I believe i am with the right person right now. I believe that if he left me, i would be devestated and would spend a lot of time picking up the pieces, but that i would eventually find the person who was right for me right then. And so on. (so i don't believe in soulmates; though i do believe in fate a bit...)

All i really wanted to say was thank you, Beth. You wrote a very profound entry right at the time that i needed to read it. Was THAT fate? Nah, probably not. But i thank you for writing it anyway.

-- Anonymous, August 03, 2000

Five per cent sounds incredibly generous to me. If I could get along reasonably well in a relationship with 5% of the male population, I wouldn't have had only one six-month relationship in the last three years.

I don't think my looks are the problem (not too plain, not too glam) so I guess I have to blame my personality, but still. You'd think I would have met more than a few someones compatible with my crankiness and quirks if it were really as low as a 1 in 20 ratio...

-- Anonymous, August 03, 2000

I believe in soulmates

I believe we don't always find them

or are open to them

I believe there can be more them one, if your lucky

Things I have witnessed in life are to synchronous to be just left to just chance decisions you have made

or maybe, I just want to believe

-- Anonymous, August 03, 2000

I am a diehard romantic, and I absolutely believe in having a soulmate, but I think soulmates are like those couples you see who are in their 80's and still sleep in the same bed, and hold hands alot, and smooch in public. I don't think you just meet your soulmate and know, I think maybe you grow to become some's soulmate, and it takes decades.

I don't believe in fate. I think that you just hit a point in your life where you are sick of dating, sick of breaking up, and sick of how many sex partners you have had, and when that happens, you marry the first person of the opposite sex that you meet who has hit that point at the same time, and together you make it work.

I regret none of it. If I had it to do over, there are a lot of things I would have done differently in my romantic life, but if all of that is what got me to where I am today, I can live with that, because right now I am in a great place, romantically.

-- Anonymous, August 04, 2000

Do I believe in the concept of soulmates? Yes. But I believe in spiritual "groups of souls who are linked together to teach and learn from each other" way.

I've been studying metaphysics for ten years and what I've come to adopt as a belief system that works for me is that anyone who touches you and your life in a consistent manner, causes you to sit up and take notice, is your soulmate.

There's a man in my life with whom I share a ten-year history. He's a soulmate. There was a man I used to see outside a pub everyday on my old pedestrian commute, smoking a cigarette under a hanging basket of impatiens. He was a soulmate. (Further examples aren't necessary to illustrate what I believe).

And yet, I also believe in the concept of a twin-soul, or what some of you are referring to as "the one". However, just because I believe in the existence of something doesn't mean I believe we are each "entitled" to receive it on the premise of its existence.

I agree with the person who said - forgive me, it's early here in Boston and I'm too lazy to go back and scroll up - that finding your twin-soul (the one) might be more a factor of not being ready or not being open to letting it into your life.

To conclude, yes, I believe that The One is out there. I also believe that there are a number of partners with whom we can be happy and have loving and fulfilling relationships. I had something else nice and pat to end this with but it's competing with being on time for work.

Maureen

-- Anonymous, August 04, 2000

I have met many of my mates on a "Soul level". I believe in past- life lessons and why we choose certian people. Have I met my Twin Flame? Yep. Was he the one I married? Nope! But our edges have softened...we have a great life. When I am old and widowed, my Twin Flame will sit besides me on the front porch and tell tales of what might have been.

-- Anonymous, August 04, 2000

I always say "He's my soulmate" whenever I talk about my husband but now I am not sure if that is even the right word. I feel like this is the person I was meant to be with - not because I love him so much and I can't see anything else, like the bad things or that I've tricked myself into thinking "This is right" but because it just IS right. But I never used that expression or even really thought about the concept of "soulmates" before that.

Long term compatibility is definitely more important to me. Let's face it, sex does not last forever, and if you are lucky enough to live long and healthy together, you better be able to carry on a conversation and just genuinely LIKE that person. I LIKE the person my husband is in addition to being in love with him.

I have been in a few really significant relationships, mostly bad ones. You all know what I mean: you are in love/lust with someone and they lie, cheat, disrespect and just generally treat you badly. You allow this behavior to go on for YEARS (well, I did anyway) all the while saying in a whiny voice "But I LOVE him". I never once, even though I was young, stupid and head over heels in love say "He is my soulmate and I forgive him." I never felt that complete feeling. I never liked who my ex-boyfriend was and I did not realize that I did not like him until the end. That's when it hit me. Yet when I met my husband it just felt right. I have no regrets about how things turned out - even the pain and heartache of my past relationships. I stayed in bad relationships as long as I did because it was comfortable, because the pain of separation (even though it was not right) was too hurtful to deal with at the time. Because I WANTED it to work. Even the good relationships, with nice men, who were nice people and did nothing wrong to me and I liked them, loved them -- I just never felt that feeling.

But when hubby came into the picture, like you said, Beth, someone FINALLY understood me. Someone finally got it. Not only did he get it, he treated me well on top of that. I was impressed with his integrity and compassion. Maybe it's just I was with shitty guys for so long that I am exta aware of someone's good qualities. Maybe I should be thanking my ex's for being such nasty bastards because then I would not appreicate my husband the way I do. GOD FORBID something happens tomorrow I will still feel like I have met the great true love of my life and that I was loved completely. And even thought it would be possible for me to move on at some point, I am convinced that the man I am married to now would still be the number one and no one else could fit with me, wear down the edges, like him.

I don't know. All I do know, is that it's almost 8 years we are together (married 3) and I am still impressed and pleasantly surprised on a daily basis. It feels like a soulmate.

-- Anonymous, August 04, 2000

The very word induces in me a strong urge to vomit.

-- Anonymous, August 04, 2000

Soulmates exist. Absolutely they do. And there's a lot of them about as well. You just shouldn't make too big a deal of it. In the past I have met several people I connected with in that special, undefineable way. In some cases, it even led to wonderful friendships. I wouldn't want to move beyond friendship solely on that basis, though. Actually sharing your life with someone on a daily basis requires a less metaphysical approach to make it work. Long term compatibility is way more important.

-- Anonymous, August 04, 2000

Of course, I always think who I'm in love with is my soulmate. At any rate, they've understood me better than anyone else ever has, that kind of thing. I believe that I am fated to be alone, honestly. There may be "right" people for me, but they don't agree or continue to agree with me there.

I always think about my last relationship and what I should have done differently.

Frankly, what I'm missing in a relationship is neither of those, but a desire to stay with me without getting sick of me like everyone else has so far.

-- Anonymous, August 04, 2000

A bunch of people have mentioned how tiny things happening differently could have prevented them meeting the person they're with - and concluded that therefore it must have been fate. I disagree.

The problem with this reasoning is that you can't know what would have happened if the tiny thing hadn't. In that other universe, where the tiny thing didn't happen or happened differently, maybe you'd still have met the person - or, maybe you'd have met somebody different, and we'd be talking about the coincidence that led to you meeting them.

The chances of you meeting a specific person may be high, but the chances of meeting just somebody aren't.

-- Anonymous, August 04, 2000

Way back when I was 15 I believed that there was only one person for me. Since then I've greatly altared my thoughts on that theory.

I think that there are coupes who are more compatible than others and there definitely combinations that are wrong, but I think there is more than one person in the world that I can be happy with.

I'm living proof that live can go on and I can be happy with someone else. Five years ago I thought I was with someone that I could form a lifelong commitment with and it turns out I was wrong. He was totally wrong for me and the relationship would not have lasted.

I think about it sometimes, but mostly I focused on picking up the pieces, learning what I could from them and moving on. Sure, I've made mistakes in other relationships, but there's no sense dwelling on it. Every mistake I made was a choice and each one changed the path my life was taken and led me to where I am today.

And I wouldn't trade where I am today for all the tea in China. I'm with someone who I love more than I've ever loved before and he feels the same about me. We have a lot in common and like beth said, we wearing down the edges and not finding sparks.

But I don't think for a minute that he's the only person in the world that I could be happy with. I absolutely belive in the 'Right place, Right Time' theory. I knew Dave for 7 years as friends before we started to date. He and I were both in other relationships and both had a bad breakup around the same time. We started being closer friends and hanging out together and before we knew what was happening we were in love. I don't believe the situation would have been the same if we had dated at a different period in our lives. All the experiences we had up to that point made us who we are and contributed to us getting along so well.

There's no one else I want to be with besides Dave, but if (god forbid) something were to happen to him I'd find a way to pick myself up, dust myself off, and find my way again. I'd want him to do the same.

Colleen

-- Anonymous, August 04, 2000

I'm stunned to find I agree with Jim Howard! I believe I found my soulmate, and I married him. I've dated lots of people, known lots more, and never found anyone who completes me like he does. I knew he was the one for me when I figured out I like the person I am around him the most of all the people I ever am. And if he died? I believe I could find somebody I could be happy with (that 5%) but I don't think I'd ever find anyone as perfectly suited for me as him. Somebody (Plato?) said souls were originally hermaphroditic, and were split into male and female, and we're all searching for our other half. Obviously I don't believe this, but it describes how I feel about my husband.

I think the long term compatibility is more important than the initial electricity, but if there was no initial electricity, I probably wouldn't check to see if there might be long term compatibility.

-- Anonymous, August 04, 2000

I too am amazed to find I agree with Jim Howard. (For maybe the first time...)

I was 26, and pretty much sworn off any idea of finding the one...or rather thinking "the one" had left me, years ago...and resolved to becoming the "bachelor uncle" or something...when Barb found me. Through a comic book lettercolumn. We wrote for six months. We never met each other when she went to college here in the same city I live in. Then we met face to face.

We were married six months later.

That was twenty years ago, this year.

It remains, in a life of bad decisions, the one truly right decision I ever made, and the one I don't regret...at all. If I had married the person I thought was "the one" before that, it would have been the mistake...not Barb. And when I knew, I really knew, and there wasn't any hesitation about it.

To answer Beth's questions...yes, I have some regrets about other relationships. Yes, I believe I have met the "right" person. As for the initial electricity, or long term compatibility....it doesn't enter into it. We had both. I think though, what really matters is CARING about the other person. Where their happiness...is essential to your own, a definition of love I borrowed from Heinlein, which I think sums it up completely. It's not sex, though sex is delightful, or passion, or just staying together "for the sake of the children", or the joint mortgage, or whatever. If your lover's happiness isn't essential to yours...then there's something wrong.

I see so many people unhappy together, and there is nothing lonelier than being lonelier in a relationship. Being alone is much better than that.

If I hadn't met Barb, I think I would have been lonely for the rest of my life, whether I was in a relationship or not. Maybe ESPECIALLY if I was in a relationship.

Don't settle for second best.

Life's too short to spend it being ---unhappy.

If you and your lover spend more time quarrelling and irritating each other than caring for one another, move on.

Don't come to the end of your life and realize you've wasted it being lonely, settling for a second-best relationship.

Al of NOVA NOTES.

-- Anonymous, August 05, 2000

I believe in fate and soulmates, but I also think that if you want a relationship to last and thrive you have to work at it.

BD and I have been together for 15 years, although technically we were separated for three of those years. We've been back together physically for seven years, and I believe that the fact that we were MEANT to be together, AND the fact that we worked, really really hard to make things right again, is what makes our marriage a success.

In our circle of friends, we are the "old folks". We've been together longer than nearly anybody and have attended the 2nd marriages of many of our friends. We've had people tell us that they admire us and that they're envious of our relationship. We never fail to tell them that we are not so admirable...we work at this thing, it doesn't just happen.

On the other hand, when I was a little girl I used to pretend that my pillow was my "husband". For many, many years He didn't have a face or a name...the minute I saw BD again (we'd been schoolmate) -- and that minute is etched in my mind forever -- there was something in me that KNEW he was the ONE.

BD "is" my soulmate and we were meant to be together. We just need to work at cultivating and nurturing what was given to us.

jl Time Waits for No One

-- Anonymous, August 05, 2000

I believe in soulmates, although I don't use that word. As several people have said already, though, I don't believe that 'soulmate' is the same as 'the One'. (I don't think there is just one right person, though it may be a very low number). A soulmate could be a family member or (more likely to me) a friend. I have met people I knew instantly would be important in my life. I didn't know how, but I knew that relationship was vital to my future. Is that a soulmate? I don't know... It is something to do with fate, though.

As far as fate... I believe that if we are meant to meet a person, we will (and usually right when we need to). And it isn't so much the chain or coincidences that lead up to the meeting that impress me, it is all of the near misses that have happened before... When you feel like you _should_ have met earlier, but somehow didn't until the time was right. (As an example, I should have met Lew a year before I did, but for my car breaking down the day before... And if we had met then, we very likely would not have ever gotten together, and I would be in a much different place now).

Of course I think about past relationships and regrets... Anybody who has read my journal probably knows that by now. While it doesn't do anything to help those relationships, it can (hopefully) help me figure out how to avoid the same mistakes in the future, and realize what I have learned about myself and what I need. And sometimes it can just be good depression fodder.

If I had to choose in a relationship, I'd say compatibility all the way. The spark has to get the whole thing started, but the size of that spark is irrelevant if there is no fuel for the fire. An ample supply of both would, of course, be the ideal. And that is where the idea of 'soulmates' really enters into romance for me... When people aren't using the word as an excuse for unsavoury behavior, I think they mean the state where a strong initial spark is combined with an equally strong long-term compatibility.

Of course, right now I'd be thrilled to have some amount of either.

-- Anonymous, August 07, 2000