You folks seem to know about this stuff... lemme ask you about something.

My girlfriend graduated in the spring and moved back to Atlanta for the summer, with plans to go into Americorps in the fall and then settling into law school in 2001.

I'm going down next week to visit her for her birthday. She informs me she has been seeing this friend of hers, and another friend of hers is in love with her. I understand that, it's hard not to be in love with her and we agreed to see other people while we were apart. But now she wants me to hang out with these two guys and can't seem to see why this won't work so well.

What the hell is going on here? Am I just nuts for having a problem with this? Is she being ridiculously selfish for wanting her long-term boyfriend to hang out with the guy she is seeing? Am I being selfish for wanting her all to myself on her birthday?

-- Anonymous, July 19, 2000

Answers

Or, is she INSANE for even asking!

It is rude of *her* exponentially to the Nth degree to even ask - I can't even fathom being so incredibly insensitive & rude.

Cancel your trip, dump her, move on.... You live apart, you both have needs from each other that are obviously not being met (at least with each other), and she doesn't sound like a keeper.

-- Anonymous, July 19, 2000

Not at all. I would seriously feel uncomfortable in that situation, and I can't see why this girl has no problem with it. I wouldn't want to hang out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend (who shares the same name as me-- Ick!), and I wouldn't want the guy I'm seeing now to have to hang with my ex. It's not fair to either of them! Tell her how you feel.

-- Anonymous, July 19, 2000

Wow. I've never understood the whole "seeing other people" thing. I tried to be "hip" and be in an "open relationship" and it hurt A LOT when he had a fling with someone else. NEVER AGAIN. I was just fooling myself, and when faced with the reality.....ow.

Even though you agreed to see other people, I can't see how there won't be some major weirdness and badness going down in Atlanta when you go visit. You go allll the way down there and end up being one of a pack of guys following her around, when you are supposed to be her boyfriend? OW. You are human being with some dignity I assume so of course you have a problem with it! Sound like she needs and likes a lot of male attention.

Maybe you can hash some things out with her when you're down there. It sounds like bad news. Weird, too. She needs to know you have a problem with it (and I think ANYONE would have a problem with it).

-- Anonymous, July 19, 2000

Why did you agree you'd both see other people while we were apart?

If you have a problem with her actually acting on it, perhaps you need to renegotiate the terms of the relationship.

-- Anonymous, July 19, 2000

Been there. Survived that.

Here's the deal: you have an arrangement with this lady. You care about her. It's not inconceivable that she still cares about you, a great deal. I realize you're heading into a classic French Comedy a.k.a. Friends episode, and it'll probably be uncomfortable as hell, but you should be able to figure out fairly early on what the score is. If she just wants a harem, or to keep her options open, that's not so cool, and you're justified in wanting to bail. On the other hand, if the two guys she's been seeing are incomparably lame, and she wants you there for moral support while she fires the explosive bolts and blows them free from her life...

-- Anonymous, July 19, 2000

Colin. Colin. Colin. That's absurd. "Moral support"? C'mon.

-- Anonymous, July 19, 2000

There's "seeing other people" and then there's "rubbing your LDBF/GF's nose in it." I think it's extremely uncivilized to make people compete for your attentions when it's gotten to the serious stage with one or more of them (as opposed to ordinary flirting, or mate selection by the unattached). If you are not going to be monogamous, the attitude with each person should be, "You are very special in your own way and I make special time for you."

But maybe this is just the idealism of the single.

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2000

Joy, we live in an absurd world. I've been through that exact situation; a girlfriend got mildly attached to some guys she didn't want to be with forever while I was away on a summer job; when I came back, she wanted them to see that we were still close so she could pry them loose.

As I said: Been there.

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2000

Realistically, this is the thing that happens when you agree to "see other people". But on the other hand, these guys have been with her for all this time, and I think you have the right to equal time, one- on-one with her.

I've known people who do the "boyfriend-back-home-and-boyfriend-here" thing, and one or the other is the priority, the "real" boyfriend, usually the one back home. And when the real boyfriend is visiting, the current squeeze gets the hell out of the way. The fact that she expects you to Hang Out with her squeezes shows that either she doesn't get the dynamic, or that she doesn't see you as the priority. Or do those guys even know who you are??

I don't know, giving permission for your SO to date other people is a big fat can of worms that I would not want to open. Especially as you don't seem to be benefitting from the open relationship... (maybe you are and just don't want to talk about it, I dunno.)

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2000

Colin:

If she was but "mildly attached", why did she need to "pry them loose"? Is mildly attached the same as cheating? Her behavior sounds manipulative to me.

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2000

I think your girlfriend is either (a) trying to make you jealous, or (b) doesn't really care that much about you any more, and wants to keep you at arm's length. Either way, her expecting you to hang out with two of her new admirers is absolutely unacceptable, and you should not do it. She may well lose respect for you if you do it.

Tell her that you'll come visit her another time when she's able to see you alone. You don't have to act all upset or annoyed about it, just state that you prefer not to see her at all under the circumstances she's insisting on. (You could show up at her door with two cuter-than-her girls in tow, but that would be just making a bad matter worse.)

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2000

Joy, she wasn't cheating at all. We had an open relationship, and she found a couple guys who couldn't pick up a clue if they had radar. She didn't want to tell them to take a hike, so instead we spent a couple weeks arriving and leaving together and they eventually caught on and drifted away.

Ahh, the 80's...

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2000

I'd have to agree with Laural.

Agreeing to see other people is one thing, but having to meet the "other people" is taking it a step too far. How would she feel if you brought two girls that you were seeing with you to her little birthday party?

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2000

Here's a thought: Aside from the hurt feelings I experienced when the man I was dating told me he seriously hit on another woman after a drunken evening, I was also truly alarmed at the health factor in all of this. Again, I hadn't thought about it until the reality of it hit me in the face.

Granted, the guy in my situation didn't sleep with her(but given the chance, I bet he would've), but after that, it all just fell apart for me, and within a few months I broke it off with him entirely (although I was in love with him. He wasn't in love with me, clearly). To my knowledge, he didn't sleep with anyone else when he was dating me (and I believe him), but the THOUGHT of it grossed me out.

Aside from the issue of disease (only abstinence is 100% safe, as they say), I don't like the idea of being with a man who was with some other woman the night before, or a few days ago. It seems icky, to me. Plus a bit unsafe.

But, I know the temptation to "Try and make it work", and I'm not being judgemental, and it is entirely possible that I'm a prude.

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2000

Speaking as someone who's been in a similar but much nicer situation, if you've clearly stated that you don't want to hang out with her in-town one(s? I can't recall), and she keeps insisting, then she is not being very considerate of you, is she? I'm not going to harp on the "open relationship is wrong" thing like others have, it just sounds like she's trying to change the rules of how you set it up in a way that won't work for you. Does she want you to be friends with whoever she dates or something? I tend to think it's rude that if you're hardly ever in town, that you wouldn't get more attention from her.

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2000

Speaking as a guy who was married to a girl who was hooking behind his back: dump the slut.

-- Anonymous, July 21, 2000

I don't want to bad mouth your girlfriend, but it sounds to me like this person is wanting lots of attention and possibly wants to be able to tell the gals how 'irresistible' she is: why I've got at least 3! guys after me; and maybe even draw a little more attention to herself from other guys; AND maybe even be the envy of the girls.

Also, she's not being very sensitive to your feelings. You know yourself, how will you feel or react to someone elses attention being bestowed upon her or vice versa?

Just knowing that there might be a little telepathy going on between her and these other guy(s) would make me feel very left out and uncomfortable. A little look here and a little touch there. If she goes off to get herself a drink (I assume you'll be gathered at a pary or something) and one of the 'other' guys just happens to need to go to the restroom at the same time, what are you going to be 'wondering?'

Maybe she's not like this at all, who knows.

-- Anonymous, July 24, 2000

david, you haven't given many details of the specifics of your arrangement with your girlfriend ... possibly because the arrangement wasn't terribly specific to begin with. at any rate, it doesn't sound like y'all discussed in advance what to do in this sort of situation, so it's very possible that you each have very different expectations. in that case neither is inherently wrong or absurd; it just means that y'all need to communicate more.

i certainly wouldn't assume that your girlfriend is trying to be manipulative, or boost her own ego, or spark a competition, because there are a number of possibilities that involve none of those. i wouldn't assume that this situation implies that you are no more important to her than the other guys -- really, there's no way to tell from the available data. you should probably ask her outright, in a non-accusatory way. :>

maybe she's not the jealous type -- not everyone is -- and so she isn't expecting you to be upset by this. maybe in her mind you're so clearly primary that she doesn't anticipate your feeling threatened by meeting her secondaries. maybe spending a birthday with these other guys is a priority because she doesn't expect to get another chance once she moves in the fall, whereas she assumes you and she will have lots of birthdays together.

everyone who's posted here so far seems to be reacting to the situation from a monogamous ethic ... which given your agreement doesn't seem completely relevant. for a different viewpoint: i've been having open relationships for about a dozen years, now. i always expect my sweeties -- current and ex -- to be cordial and friendly with each other; i'm delighted if they also become good friends. i've had two concurrent sweeties before (both male) who had no particular use for each other, and once that became obvious i stopped suggesting they spend time together. however, when i cooked thanksgiving dinner that year, i had both of them over, and another ex besides.

consider this, david: if it were *your* birthday, i think it would be a very different thing. you should get to choose with whom you spend your own birthday, and she shouldn't impose her friends on you in that case. but this is *her* birthday, and it makes sense that she wants to surround herself with people who are important to her. and these two other guys who love her may want to spend time with her on her birthday for all the same reasons you do.

there are two possibilities for resolution here. one, if you talk things over with her you may get some insecurities assuaged to the point where you'd be willing to try meeting these other guys (who at the very least have one major thing in common with you). don't agree, though, if you're just going to sulk or snipe or otherwise ruin the day. otherwise you may be able to express that the situation makes you uncomfortable and achieve a compromise -- such as that she hangs out with the other guys in the afternoon, and then has dinner with just you.

good luck. i'd like to know how it works out.

-- Anonymous, July 24, 2000

The questions I can answer: No, you are not nuts for being bothered by the situation. Nor are you selfish for wanting to see your girlfriend, alone, on her birthday.

As for what the hell is going on and is she being selfish, I have no idea. I understand open relationships, I don't think I could ever have one myself but I don't condemn them at all, but I think it shows a distinct lack of good manners and social tact if she expects all of the men interested in her to hang out together on her birthday. The least she should do to all three of you is give you all some time alone with her. It's one thing to be dating three guys at once, one of my closest friends regularly juggles six, but it's another entirely to ask all of the guys to hang out and be buddies. It reeks of disrespect and flaunting.

And I know this question reeks of staidiety and everything archaic but what is so meaningful about a relationship wherein you are both seeing other people? I admit to having a commitment phobia but the whole Let's-Date-Other-People thing seems, to me, like having your cake and eating it along with a big bowl of frosting. It just seems superficial.

Wow... I sound far more moralistic than I am...

-- Anonymous, July 26, 2000

Not meant to be bitchy, but this comes to mind every time I see that phrase: Whoever "has a cake and has one to eat too?" Cakes you don't eat are no fun. Do the rest of you store stale cakes? ;P

And to Katie: do you have meaningful relationships with several of your friends? You don't just have to pick one of them and never get any more friends, do you?

Multiple relationships work rather like that.

-- Anonymous, July 27, 2000

If you do go... and you want to remain on this lady's good side... what ever you do, do not make any negative comments Re: her new dates. Even if they're really lame. If you say anything bad, it won't make them look bad, it will only make you look bad. Oh, yes, I think that the situation sounds really uncomfortable, and I wouldn't think that you'd be out of line for suggesting that she set time aside to see you alone when you go see her... after all, you'd be going there to see her, not her new, other dates. Best of luck.

-- Anonymous, July 27, 2000