My friend Andy, wonderful, silly man that he is, came up with the idea of Saturn 5 bands--bands you would like to put on a rocket and launch into space. So here's a question for the indie rock elitist in you: what bands would you put on your Saturn 5 rocket and launch into space, and why? Be as bitchy as you like.

-- Anonymous, June 27, 2000

Answers

The problem is not thinking up 5 bands to jettison from Earth's earshot, but limiting myself to just 5. Big offenders that pop into my mind immediately:

Counting Crows - Wah wah wah. Adam Duritz, you and your annoying whiteboy dreadlocks have got to go. Enough with the Friends in your videos and repetitive, boring-ass lyrics.

Black Crowes - It might appear that I'm anti-bird. Not so. I've just had it up to here with the Robinson brothers and their sibling rivalry issues. Which brings me to...

Oasis - Liam & Noel Gallagher: Get some therapy. Get haircuts. Get a shave. Get your bloated, ill-judged Beatles rehashes off the airwaves. Thank you.

Smashing Pumpkins - I think that humanity has endured enough of Billy Corgan's self-important rants about the relevance and brilliance of his music. I know they're breaking up, but I want them scattered to the many corners of the galaxy. Except for Melissa Auf Der Maur. She can stay, just as long as she doesn't re-join Hole.

Third Eye Blind - I just hate Stephan Jenkins. He seems like such an arrogant jerk, and his tunes are lamer than a three-legged dog.

And that's just the tip of the iceberg, folks.

-- Anonymous, June 27, 2000

Ooh, ooh! Can I play?! I know this game well!

Joan of Arc: Your music sucks! You give indie rock a bad name, and other morons stick you under "emo" and befoul that genre as well. Off key singing and out of tune guitars only works for Sonic Youth.

Brittney Spears: You disgust me! Your pre-packaged music, your spastic dance steps, your breast implant rumors. If I weren't the gentleman that I am, I'd be happy to hit you, more than once.

Backstreet Boys/N'Sync/Every other damn band like that: Ok, this is just too easy. I mean, who DOESN'T hate these fellows? See above minus the breast implant rumors.

Limp Bizkit: What kind of idiot named your band anyway? And who decided to adopt the hardcore spelling of biscuit? It does wonders for your image! Your music just plain stinks. It's awful! I'm surprised it's become so popular, because I always assumed the public only had so much tolerance for macho-jock poseur bands.

Rap: Ha! This whole genre must go. Kool Keith can stay, but M&M, Dr. Dre and TwoPack must go, forever. There is no negotiation here. I can only hear so many songs about slapping hoes and shooting niggaz before I have to give up on the genre. And guys, could you at LEAST try to come up with a new bass line? I can only be knocked over by the same blasted-from-a-car beat so many times.

-- Anonymous, June 28, 2000

This is almost too easy.

1. Filter (post-Leisgang) - The first album was okay, mainly due to Brian Leisgang, but ol' Richard Patrick has turned fucking pop star...and he was never that good of a songwriter to begin with.

2. Whoever does that song with the line "If you choose to decide/you still have a made a choice" (classic rock, I think) - Argh. I hate this damn trite song and end up hearing it at least twice a day because all I can get is country and classic rock stations, and I'll be damnded if I listen to country.

3. Blink 182 - Next bastard that calls them a punk band is getting slapped. It's a pop band, folks. Always was.

4. Limp Bizkit - Fred Durst is a fucking moron. Keep Wes Borland off the rocket, though, he's the only one with even a modicum of talent.

and

5. Papa Roach - That damn song got on my nerves real damn quick, even by my nerves standards.

Chris "Pigeonhole"

-- Anonymous, June 29, 2000

1. Wolfie- Fuck Wolfie!!!They're cocks! Blast them! 2. That band that did that Boys in the Hood cover song. No reason needed. Blast them! 3. Evan Dando- He picks great cover songs and preceeds to take every ounce of fun and soul out of them. AKA, he Boltons songs. Blast him! 4. Smashmouth- Don't cover Steely Dan like that you fools! Blast them! 5. Everyone who appeared on the last Santana album. Hell, shoot Santana up there too! Blast them! 6. Kid Rock- He's not the Bull-God, Dave Wyndorf is, so off to space you go! Blast him! 7. All Grateful Dead albums should be shot into the sun. Oh wait, I like that "Touch of Grey" song. Oh well, small price to pay, shoot them all into the sun! HAHAHAHAHA!!!! BLAST THEM!! 8. Creed. And I think Hum should load the rocket and Eddie Vedder should fire it. BLAST THEM!!! 9. David Crosby, the fattest cokehead alive. BLAST HIM!! 10. That crappy band I saw last week. Don't even remember their names. BLAST THEM!!

-- Anonymous, July 05, 2000

Okay, Nanette, I read that Third Eye Blind interview. I had to express a few thoughts.

1. Stephen Jenkins is just ignorant. He's out there saying, "We're good musicians! Honest!" Instead, what a "good" musician would do is simply, uhm, prove it. They play to massive crowds because their simple pop songs are drilled into your skull via MTV, VH1, and the Mix (ohgodhowihatethemix).

2. I still hate Jim DeRogatis, but I am glad that he sparred with Jenkins a bit.

3. I had no clue about this Rockfest thing but, I'm scared about it because it's in Cicero, which is next door to me. I am scared. I saw a sign on Austin and 290 - nowhere near the Motor Speedway - promoting parking. If people are gonna park that far away, I'm also scared.

4. Bands that are the same to me: Third Eye Blind, Matchbox 20 (or "matchbox twenty we're trying to be cummings-like"), Vertical Horizon, Guster, Nine Days (joke: that's how long they'll be around! hahahaha), and, well, almost anything The Mix plays. Or Kiss FM... man, that high rotation crap turns me off.

Sometimes it frightens me that I'm listening to mostly talk radio now, but then I realize that maybe it's not so bad after all.

Paul

-- Anonymous, July 20, 2000

That band that sings... "If you choose not to decide you still have made a choice" is RUSH, and the song is FREEWILL!

Don't be disrespectin' the Rush or I'll have to choose to boot your ass! ;)

-- Anonymous, July 27, 2000

Rush-bashing is not only allowed in this forum, it is actively encouraged. They suck. Especially that wretched "Freewill" song

-- Anonymous, July 27, 2000

Rush rulezz!!! (Sorry, but it had to be said)

-- Anonymous, July 28, 2000

Rush DOES rule!! You said it!

-- Anonymous, October 02, 2000

"I wonder bout the voice of Geddy Lee, how did it get so high? I wonder if he speaks like an ordinary guy..."

-- Anonymous, July 05, 2001