Okay. I'm 19, a sophomore in college, and I am two months pregnant. I'm not dating the guy (I used to), and he is one of my best friends (obviously :) and I don't know how I should tell him or when.

The problem is that he is getting ready to leave the country for two months. Should I tell him before he leaves, or should I wait until he gets back?

I am afraid if I tell him now before he leaves, and then something happens and I miscarry, he will be thoroughly pissed at me, and he might think I'm making the whole thing up. But I want him to have fun on his vacation, since this is a lifetime chance and he might not get to do something like this again.

I'm just really lost as to what to do here. By the time he comes back, I will probably be showing, and we will nee to tell his family, my family, and decide what we are going to do. Help!

-- Anonymous, May 10, 2000

Answers

Oh, Tiffany, my heart goes out to you.

I'm assuming you're not considering abortion, because waiting another two months will make it too late for that option. In the name of God, why would he be *pissed* at you if tell him and then miscarry? And what kind of man would believe you'd made the whole thing up?

Ok, I don't know you or your friend, but I think, the sooner the better. You need emotional support from someone close to you, and soon. It sounds like you don't want to let your family in on the news until you've told him. I shudder to think of dealing with your problem *alone* for two more months.

Best of luck, Tiffany.

-- Anonymous, May 10, 2000

Tiffany,

That's a hard one. But ultimately, the trip thing? Forget about that as a reason. What's going on in your belly is pretty important in the lifetime scheme of things---probably more important than the trip. If you are planning on raising this child with him, and it sounds as if you'd like to, then trust will be an issue, and if I were him, I would want to know ASAP. I'll bet you anything he won't like it if he returned from his amazing trip to find out he has 5 months until he's a father. And who can blame him?

It'll be hard, but I think you need to tell him now. Good luck. Post back and tell us what is going on. Maybe we can help, or at least support you.

-- Anonymous, May 10, 2000

You could easily have the medical visit documented by the physician (so having him believe you shouldn't be a problem, in any case)

And I agree with the: tell him now advice.

-- Anonymous, May 10, 2000

I'm trying to imagine myself in his place, and I think I would want to know. Yes, it might diminish the pleasure of the trip. But I'd be angry if I found out later that you knew all along and didn't tell. I know it can't be an easy decision, and it might be hard to do either way. I just know, if it were me, I'd want to know as soon as possible after you found out, not have it held back for any length of time.

-- Anonymous, May 10, 2000

Having been exactly where you are now, I would absolutely agree with everyone else here, and encourage you to tell him now. The longer you wait, the harder it will be on both of you. As for the how, do it in person. You sit him down somewhere privately, and you just spit it out. There's no delicate way to break this sort of news, and you should present it in private so that you can both react honestly. You both have a responsibility to make decisions together, and his trip is nothing in comparison to this.

-- Anonymous, May 10, 2000

Thank you so much for everyone who has responded.

I guess I just wanted to hear from someone else other than myself telling me I need to tell him right now.

I am just so paranoid that he is going to run away, or even worse, not come back from his trip. I have a wild imagination, and I can just see him begging his uncle to let him stay there in Dubai, and I will never hear from him again.

Abortion is *NOT* an option, at all. I have always been pro-life, but I always said that I might change my mind if I was put in that situation, and now that I am, I am still set on this. Even though I'm not far along, the thought of a life inside of me...I could never do it. I could never do it and live myself.

As for raising the baby with him, I don't know what he will want to do. He's Catholic, I'm baptist, so I know both of our parents will be pushing marriage. I don't know if that is what I want, but I don't want to be a single mother either. I think a part of me will resent him if we don't, since he will still be able to do all the things he wants to do (like graduate college within the next three years, get started in his career, etc.), and I will have to raise the baby by myself.

But then again, I'm the one that put myself in this situation, and I should have to live up to the consequences.

Saturday. I will tell him Saturday.

-- Anonymous, May 10, 2000

Tiffany, I'm really sorry this is such an difficult situation for you.

My older sister had a similar situation - she got pregnant when 19, in her first year of university, and had only been with the guy for three months. She was also pro-life, so she just came out and said to him 'I'm pregnant. I'm going to have the baby - if you want to be involved, then fine, we will work something out. However, if you don't want to be involved that's fine, I'll have the baby regardless, but your involvement ends here (ie, no coming back when the child is here and wanting to get involved)'.

I really admire your strength and I'm sure you will be fine. Consider yourself above his feelings at the moment - I think it's not unreasonable of you to tell him regardless of what he was planning to do - he doesn't have to be involved, but he does have a right to know.

-- Anonymous, May 11, 2000

Tiffany,

First - Keep telling yourself it is all going to be okay. This should be a joyous time for you, regardless of the circumstances. You'll make it through.

-I'm with everyone else, tell him. I think not telling him would make a really good plot in a movie, but in real life, it doesn't work out that way. This is not a time to prove you are strong and noble - you need help & should not have to go alone through this. Afterall, it isn't soley your fault you're pregnant.

-Don't worry about his response; just tell him how you feel. Let him make his decision from there. Fretting about his response is not good for you or the baby - it increases your anxiety needlessly. I know easier said than done, but you *can* do it. You sound pretty stressed. Get yourself a relaxing tape to listen to; It will help you deal with the tough road you're on if you're at the best mentally. (And also decreases your chance for miscarriage. Oh! Peak weeks for miscarriage are weeks 7 & 11 - so pamper yourself!)

-I would also say, don't get married unless you *love* this man. Getting married for a child is no reason to marry. But he can still an active part of the child's life. I dated a guy who co-parented with his ex-wife. Yes, I know they *were* married, but she left him when the baby was like 5 months. Benn is now 13 & both parents equally share the responsibility for raising him. I've rarely seen a child rearing situation that worked out so well. And Benn knows he's loved by both parents - works out just fine. Point: being a good parent doesn't always mean being a married parent.

You're going to be okay - You're a brave girl in a scary situation, but you'll get through. Don't even *get_me_started* on all the *character* you're building. :-)

-- Anonymous, May 11, 2000

Honey - First of all stop beating yourself up. You both bear EQUAL responsibility. Yes some of it must be accounted for by you, but the not pulling out part - that's all him. So having that settled, you're not the bearer of ill tidings. It's a situation you created TOGETHER. Really. No, really. I've been in the exact same situation. I was 19 when I became pregnant. I ended up deciding to terminate, but when I told my then boyfriend he was not in the least surprised. He even knew the day it happened. So don't be surprised if he's not all that shocked.

Tell him. And try not to feel so responsible and guilty. Unless you forced yourself on your beau, there's not reson for it. Tell him straight out, as though you expect him to react maturely. As though you're sure he'll handle this well, because he should if he's a decent guy. He doesn't deserve a medal for doing what's right. Just because most guys don't doesn't mean we ought to lavish praise on basic human principals.

Oh, and talk to some folks over at hipmama.com. Cool, young moms over there who can give you some GREAT advice.

-- Anonymous, May 11, 2000

Tiffany, I want to echo everybody else's suggestion to tell him asap, and support for your decision. You are being quite brave.

Though I'd like to point out that he also put himself in this situation, and he should also deal with the consequences. But that doesn't mean marriage - marriage is a separate decision, and there's no deadline. You don't have to decide whether or not you want to be married by the time the baby is born. Think it through, and don't allow your parents' wishes to rule your decision. Marry him if you want to spend the rest of your life with him, but not because you're having a baby together.

Hope you have an extended group that can offer you support - if it's possible at all, try not to sacrifice your education for your child. It'll be easier to find decent jobs, and your child will be better off. Maybe both sets of grandparents would be willing to pitch in with a little babysitting a few days a week?

Hope it works out.

-- Anonymous, May 11, 2000

Tiffany, do tell him, but perhaps put it to him that he need not make his decision right away... that the trip might be a good time for him to think about things and come to terms with what he feels.

Also, have you given any thought to adoption? Or are you planning to definately raise the child yourself? If you haven't done any research, maybe look into open adoptions... which works for some people who want to make sure their child is raised well and loved, but not ready to do it themselves for whatever reason. And the adopted children don't feel like they've been abandoned by their birth parents because, well, they haven't been.

-- Anonymous, May 12, 2000

I told him.

He didn't believe me at first, but after we sat down and talked, did some math, he finally believed me.

We are looking into adoption as an option. We both would love to raise a child, but raise it someday, not today, and not with each other I think.

He hasn't spoken to me since Friday, when I told him. We were supposed to go to a concert together on Saturday, but he left without me. I know that he needs his time right now and his space, and I'm not worried.

We're going to discuss this even further before he leaves on Sunday.

Thank you so much for everyone that has posted and supported me. It's great that there are people out there that aren't judging me.

-- Anonymous, May 15, 2000

Good luck, Tiffany. I really admire the way you're handling this.

-- Anonymous, May 16, 2000

Tiffany,

You're a very courageous woman and how you've dealt with your boyfriend and the situation demonstrates our maturity and empathy.

Your boyfriend should thank his lucky stars for someone like you.

-- Anonymous, May 16, 2000

Just as an update..

I talked to him on Sunday afternoon. In fact, I took him to the airport so that we could talk, and we decided that we are going to do the adoption thing. We both really love each other, but we both have stuff that we want to do. I feel really selfish, putting my wants before an unborn child.

But I work in a grocery store as a cashier, and a woman came in the other night, and she was discussing how she would love to have a child some day, but she can't. And I saw her look longingly at this other woman's baby food, and I was like, "I have the most wonderful gift inside of me right now." And I know that someday when I am with someone who means more than the world to me, having a baby will be the greatest feeling in the world. But I cannot raise a child with all the attention the baby will need, and women like her are overflowing with attention.

So adoption is the way we're going. We both feel very good about this, and we have no plans on changing our minds.

I just hope that the baby understands that I am doing this out of love and not selflessness. Are any of you adopted?

-- Anonymous, May 17, 2000

I'm not adopted, but for what it's worth, I think you're behaving beautifully. You are *not* being selfish. You're showing a great deal of strength and wisdom. Don't believe anyone who tells you any differently.

-- Anonymous, May 17, 2000

My uncle is adopted. He found is birth mother & father and was thankful he was adopted. It demonstrated foresight & a clear desire for his best interests. It wasn't easier for his birth mother to do, but was the *very best* decision at the time.

And there are lots of wonderful parents out there who want to have kids.

Good luck.

-- Anonymous, May 17, 2000