Have been visiting this site and others for over a year now, and I'm trying to talk my wife into Homesteading, but she won't have anything to do with it. Nothing sounds better to me than moving to the southern part of the state or even down into Missouri and running a little cow herd for cash flow while building up our homestead. One problem is she doesn't want to move there, we lived down there for awhile so we do have that experience to draw upon. Another problem is I can't do it up here when Central Iowa land is going for $3000/acre. Any suggestions on how to convince her? Thanks. Dav (IA)

-- dave (tidman@midiowa.net), April 23, 2000

Answers

Dave, since you feel pretty comfortable about your choices, and your wife doesn't, is there a possible way you could modify your needs a litle bit? Maybe if you could compromise a little, and start out slowly, you might get some good results. Make a five year plan to get to where you would like to be instead of a one year plan. To those folk for whom homesteading seems like a huge scary change, baby steps might be a fair way to proceed. After all you want to win the war, not just the battle. Can you buy small acreage on the outskirts of a town that is in between, defer the cows for a couple of years, and start out with chickens or something easier? Is there something special that *she* would like that is indirectly related to your goal? (Like you being home more often? She gets more wholesome food? She can get a new computer to stay connected to her friends, or to this forum or??? Or whatever...) Link your goal up to something she dreams about, too. Most folk are afraid of change (preservation of the species) and homesteading is a little crazy to most people these days.

Just a thought or two. Good luck.

-- sheepish (rborgo@gte.net), April 24, 2000.

First, find out why she's against it. Is it just the location you've chosen, does she not want to leave family or friends, does she like her job or her home, does she just not like the idea of homesteading? If not, why not -- too much work? Too primitive? Doesn't like farming? Now, what can you do right where you are? Do you have a yard? Can you raise a garden? Keep a few ducks for eggs (better than chickens in a suburban situation) or rabbits for meat? Start a compost pile? Get some worm bins going? Plant a few dwarf fruit trees? I realize that it isn't a little farm with a few cows, but it's possible that if you got into it slowly, one step at a time, that she would start to get interested -- maybe in a few years, be ready to admit that you need to look for some more land to pursue your hobby. Oh, is it possible that she's worried about what you'd do for income if you moved? Before you can convince her of anything, you really need to find out exactly why she's against it. Then, rather than trying to force her to think as you do, work out some compromises, make sure you hold up your end -- don't let her get stuck with all of the work, and make sure you take good care of your family. If you've been reading this forum, you've probably seen the thread about the mistakes we've all made -- read that, and re-read it. If your wife has heard of or known a woman with a husband who got all enthused about homesteading, and then stuck his wife in a primitive situation, stuck her with way too much hard work, and didn't do what he could to relieve the situation, you wouldn't really be able to blame her for balking. Make sure she can trust you. Hope you get it worked out -- let us know.

-- Kathleen Sanderson (stonycft@worldpath.net), April 24, 2000.

Dave, The above suggestions are great & hope you take them into consideration, because that's what I've been doing with my husband. I started small & am adding something new every year. My dh even helps out occasionally! Give it a try & keep us updated as to your progress. Wish you the best!

-- Phyllis (almostafarm@yahoo.com), April 24, 2000.

I had the opposite problem. I came from a dairy farm and my husband was a city boy. After we built our house out in the country I started to get the urge to farm again. About 5 yrs later and the girls were born, we started with chickens to butcher for the meat. We threw together a real cheap shelter made out of particle board. Other than helping to build the shelter (cause what I was doing was disastrous!), the girls and I did the rest. He loved eating the birds. Even bragged to his friends about the size and taste. So next year, I suggested pigs. HA! We put the pigs where the birds were and had to construct a chicken coop now. Family & friends helped and we spent only $300 on a 10 x 12 slab board, treated floor, and shingled roof. The pigs he enjoyed cause they have such character. Butchering was another matter. That he had to do and I helped. He loved the food and found pleasure in it after all. Tom wasn't one that liked "change", so I had to move slow. As for trying to get your wife in on the idea, first find a place you both would like to live in. Help her develop a garden, even if it's just flowers. Gradually throw in a couple hens and move slow from there. Maybe if you do all the outside chores and tending of the flock, she won't mind after all. She'll stick with the house and you do your thing. Beef cattle aren't necessarily a money making item. Not up here in Wisconsin anyway. Just start small. Give her time to adjust to your ideas. Do one thing at a time. GOOD LUCK !!!!

-- Pat (pmikul@pcpros.net), April 24, 2000.

Dave -- take all this advice to heart -- and then sit down and talk to her. Don't come out of the blue with it -- tell her you'd like to spend some time talking to her about your goals for the next few years. Give her a day or two to think about it, about what HER goals are. Make a "date" -- preferably after the kids are in bed, when you know you won't be disturbed. Unplug the phone. When you sit down with her, let her go first. Don't just jump in and say "about this homesteading thing". Ask her what SHE wants to accomplish in the next five years. Listen. When she's done talking, comment on the things that she mentioned that you feel are positive or align with your own goals. Then outline for her how moving to a more rural area can support both of you working towards what you want. Tell her that this is something that is really important to you, not just a whim. Tell her about how much better it would be for your kids, how waking up to the sounds of birds singing makes for a better day than waking up to car horns, the neighbor's radio, or garbage trucks.

You probably just have to show her how important this is to you. You can't expect her to uproot herself, be positive about a decision that, essentially, you have made, without involving her and asking her if this aligns with what she has dreamed about. Maybe she wants to write a book, spend more time in a garden, knit, crochet, volunteer more in the community. Point out to her HOW what you want will assist with what she wants.

And if she still says no, accept that maybe it just isn't something that she feels she would be happy doing.

-- Tracy (trimmer@westzone.com), April 24, 2000.

All of these are such great ideas, I would just like to advise you not to start out with cattle. We have cattle. There is a pretty big outlay getting started. They are a lot of work and it can take several years before you start making money on them, and then it is certainly not a gold mine! Unfortunately, the Big guy makes most of the money on cattle.

-- barbara (barbaraj@mis.net), April 24, 2000.

Loved the rest of the answers, but if your wife is also reading this forum she has to have noticed by now that this homesteading thing is alot of work, and womens work takes on a whole new meaning if you expect to make any profit off of your place. Not only will she be responsible for all of the normal womens stuff she does now, but add chickens, goats, gardening and anything else that you decide. Alot of my friends would simply not be able or want to do the very physical work that it takes to make a go of it. Even when we lived "in town" I still had rabbits and hens and gardened and canned. If she is just not interested in this type of thing, it isn't going to change. Something I said awhile back I will repeat, 14 years ago we moved out to our property, over the years 13 other couples have moved in and out and there are only 3 original couples with their original mates, down just our road! And ironically most of them live on their 10 acres, with mowed lawns, timbered their trees and the only garden they have are flower bushes and the only animals they have are cats and dogs tied to trees or living in very small yards, all the men commute at least to Houston, 1 and 1/2 hours away, and most of the women work off of the property also. So though we live and work past the sidewalks, we know no one else who does. And just so you don't think I am living in some sort of utopia here, I went on strike this year and refuse to garden by myself! My husband planted everything so far, I have been hauling my manure around his plants and filling the raised beds, but if no one helps me harvest and can, the goats will be eating some mighty fine produce this year, and we will be eating canned! Vicki

-- Vicki McGaugh (vickilonesomedoe@hotmail.com), April 24, 2000.

Thank you to all of you! These are certainly wonderful suggestions! I thought that maybe I should clarify a little more, though. We are living in the country right now. I work on a farm which provides us with a house, utilities, health insurance, incentive bonus, and almost no free time for myself. There is room here to have some small stock and a garden, but at the end of the day, it's a challenge to even peel my clothes off, let alone do chores or garden. We were both raised on a farm, although my folks had a lot harder time making ends meet than hers, hence, she is used to $30,000 automobiles, a 3000 sq. ft. home, etc. I have to say though, that she is quite miserly and when our old car gave out last year, she had no problem with replacing it with a used Corsica. As for the cow herd, I have much experience in this area, and that is one reason for wanting to move to southern Iowa, because land goes for grass prices in some areas down there, and there are also some row-crop farms that might let me graze my cows on cornstalks to save on winter feed. You just can't find land up here because all the city folk are buying up anything with a tree on it. My main reason for wanting to do this is so my time will be my own, so I don't have to come home covered in herbicide at night, so I don't have to put up with other peoples junk while putting my own personal safety at risk (@#$^%%& rotten piece of crap cattle chute!) I have got a pretty good plan inside my head but it includes a little debt, a lot smaller and a little simpler home, some hard work, and risk. I guess I should write it down, but we've talked about it enough that she should about have it memorized. Anyway, keep the suggestions coming. They're great, and I really appreciate them. Thanks. Dav (IA)

-- dave (tidman@midiowa.net), April 24, 2000.

OK - you know what the plan is and she does too. Definitely write it down - you'll start to see things you hadn't before.

You still don't say what your wife's objections are. Do you know what they are? You can't answer them until you can say what they are.

-- Deborah (ActuaryMom@hotmail.com), April 24, 2000.

Dave,

We live in southern Iowa for the very reason that you stated. We couldn't afford $3,000 an acre for land in eastern Iowa where we grew up. We paid $1,000 an acre for our farm with a huge Victorian, barns and 120 acres that can be rotated through crops and pasture. We are on the edge of a tiny town (not the friendliest, I will admit). We are only an hour from Des Moines and 2 hours from Kansas City and Omaha, so you can still do the city stuff if you want.

There is a cooperative starting up down here for a dairy. I don't remember all of the details. I know that they were selling shares in it and I had looked at it as an investment, since we don't do dairy.

I don't have any good suggestions to convince your wife other than the quality of life is better - it may be poor down here, but there are some fine people, it just takes a while to find them. Generally, we have found the farmers to be much nicer than the people that live in town.

My e-mail is good if you want to talk privately.

-- beckie (sunshine_horses@yahoo.com), April 25, 2000.

My husband and I always asked each other.."What do we want to be doing at the end of the day"..we did not mean it literally, but refered to the end of our so-called productive years...So, what does your wife want to be doing at the end of the day?Our dream was to be able to sit on our own porch,looking out over our own land,owe no money to anybody, and hold hands as often as possible.Amen ! Now, what's your wife's dream for the end of the day? Literally, when you've climbed all of the mountains,done everything you wanted to do,and it's time to kick back and relax....does she want to travel, does she want to retire to a condo in Florida,does she want to run a small business for a hobby???????? I believe that people need to have a dream for the "end of the day"....then the path to it is made clear, goals are set, and people are on the same wave length.I also believe that you cannot talk anybody into anything and make that last.I'm so grateful that my husband and I had the same dream..when we said "I do", it meant.."we do"....good luck to you and i hope that you will both come up with a plan that is mutual, and solid.

-- Lesley Chasko (martchas@gateway.net), April 26, 2000.