Are you intensely affectionate?

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Do you get involved in intense relationships, either friendships or romance? Or is everything in your life pretty casual and detached? Or do you have a balance of both kinds of relationships, or relationships that are somewhere in the middle?

Or does this question not make any sense?

-- Anonymous, February 15, 2000

Answers

Unfortunately, I am a bit casual and detached. I find this a liability instead of a plus though. Sometimes I feel like Spock who has no feelings. Or maybe I feel it all inside but can't put it on the outside.

I guess I'm just nuts.

-- Anonymous, February 15, 2000


I have a mixture of both types of relationships, but when I'm romantically involved, I'm very very affectionate, and I want my beau to be also. Fortunately, the current boy is also very touchy, huggy, and hand holdy.

-- Anonymous, February 15, 2000

Well, to indirectly answer your question, a lot of what you said in your entry resonated with me. I also am totally neglectful of my friends, acquaintences, people I'd like to know better. I never call anyone, I never make plans. I make lists of people I ought to call and resolutions to reach out more, then do nothing about it. Then I feel sad because I'm so lonely and lash out at Pat because he's my sole social life.

In the past, I always had very very intense romantic relationships, where I'd be totally obsessed with the person and we'd fight all the time and I'd be desperate to do anything, anything to keep him from leaving. Since I got older and am taking anti depressants, that is no longer my pattern. I miss it in a way: it makes me feel like what I have with Pat isn't "real". I don't miss it in other ways. Last night I was thinking how nice it was that we had a pleasant dinner out together and weren't spending Valentines' day fighting and having some psychodrama about whether or not his observance of it meant he "really" loved me etc.

I have tended to have casual, detached friendships with women, or at least to tell myself that's how I feel, even as I get all hurt because of some slight or wish she cared more about me, just like I do about the men in my life. It's been hard for me to admit I care about women friends for various reasons. Does caring mean I'm a lesbian? How do I do friendships? My parents were both big loners so I never had a model of adults caring passionatly about friendships or working things out with friends. This is a major hole in my life.

Oh yeah, this question makes a lot of sense.

-- Anonymous, February 15, 2000


All of the above. I feel differently with different people - some I get intensely involved with, some not.

Most of my closest friends have been men, since I was about 17 (and I have been in relationships all that time, which is now 31 years) - but it's for the opposite reason that Beth mentioned.

I don't buy into the "you marry your sibling" theory either. Maybe that's true for Beth and for some people, but not for me - and obviously is doesn't make much sense to apply it to only children either. :)

-- Anonymous, February 15, 2000


Yes.

-- Anonymous, February 15, 2000


I think I relate to people in some kind of pathological combination of detachedness and obsessiveness. When I get to a point in a romantic relationship where I feel that too much emotion is being asked of me, my instictive response is to run like hell. Yet, with certain platonic friends, I am prone to jealously guarding (at least in my head, I'm sane enough not to express it) their attentions and affections. Clearly, I'm on crack.

-- Anonymous, February 15, 2000

Oh my, yes.

I fall in love at the drop of a hat, and I don't understand the concept that it might take someone else more than a minute to catch up.

Usually, though, I'll feel intensely for someone, and cover it up with grouchiness, cold-heartedness and distance. When he doesn't come after me, begging for my attention, I write him off.

I just want some guy to be so swept away that I don't have to worry how intense I seem, affection-wise. So far, though, he hasn't appeared.

-- Anonymous, February 15, 2000


My boyfriend and I are INTENSELY affectionate to a fault, we really, can't keep our hands off each other. We're both really huggy, touchy feely people...

As far as my other relationships, I let a lot of them slip when I got involved with said boyfriend. I used to feel bad about it, but now I don't...most of my OTHER friends were single, and I was spending a lot of time getting to know 'new' boy, that I let all my other relationships slip behind.. Right now, I've got a lot of things going on, I'm looking for a new job, we're thinking of getting engaged, etc. etc. I think I need a major lifestyle change, so letting my other frienships lapse doesn't bother me... maybe it should, I don't know, but it doesn't...

-- Anonymous, February 15, 2000


I was either extremely casual, or very affectionate...no middle ground, no friendly flirting. One was either a friend, or the Love of My Life. Luckily I FOUND the Love of My Life, so it worked out.--Al of NOVA NOTES.



-- Anonymous, February 15, 2000


I'm intense about everything. It's probably the most consistent element of my personality. I'm actually very fortunate that my wife has a very steady personality and mostly enjoys the drama I bring to nearly everything. Former friends of mine have commented that my wife and I inhabit the opposite ends of the spectrum from the usual husband and wife team -- I'm high maintenance and she can fix anything. I talk endlessly about my feelings and she grunts and reads the paper. Current friends are more diplomatic about this, of course.

-- Anonymous, February 15, 2000


...who me?...affectionate?...i think i have "fondle" tattooed on me somewhere...aha!...there it is...

-- Anonymous, February 15, 2000

this is yet another question that is impossible for this convoluted guy to answer in a simple manner. if someone close to me does something to me that hurts, i am desolated. if an acquaintance should happen to do the same thing, i have a habit of considering the source, ignoring it or not continuing the acquaintance. i am a touching, caring person to loved ones, and a caring one to friends and acquaintances. this is another subject that for me, requires the, "circumstances alter cases," decisions. you don't hurt me, i don't hurt you. unsaid is, "i hurt someone only in self defense." tit-for-tat is futile to my way of thing because it becomes a method for each party to get in hurtful digs. in my case it boils down and refines itself into, "i love everyone unless i am given an obvious reason not to." i have been retired almost ten years now and still keep in touch with a few of my friends from work, they are treasured people. they are are all young enough to be my children but we always meet on equal footing. are you affectionate ? is not a question easily answered by me unless quoting a phrase similar to the golden rule, "do unto others as you would have done unto you." but. . . . . that does not mean that i will do a columbine high school operation on anybody, or even think of it. smiles are keys to open up friendships and they work very well. am i affectionate, am i involved - - - - - - -yes. doug

-- Anonymous, February 15, 2000

Extremely, intensely affectionate. In fact most people would probably find me clingy and annoying.

I love my friends deeply and I am easily hurt when they don't call or write.

I write a monthly newsletter via email to everyone and I used to try to send cards and letters to each of them for birthdays.

But as the years have stretched out and I get such little response back, even via email, I find it harder and harder to make the initial effort.

If other people aren't trying to get in touch with me, I am less likely to try to make contact again.

Hence the relative dearth of social interaction in my life. Spending time with anyone other than Sabs or my cats is a rarity and I really don't like it that way.

I went from being surrounded by a bevy of warm, affectionate friends in college, where hugs, kisses and holding hands were the status quo, to the sterile environment of the working place.

I sometimes feel starved for affection, for a friendly touch on the shoulder or a pat on the hand. So much so sometimes, that it makes me want to cry.

-- Anonymous, February 15, 2000


I've had very similar experiences to you, Beth. For years and years I gave my all to relationships and probably contributed to their end with my intensity, and then the related fear I would exude that the other person would leave me.

With my current boyfriend, I forced myself to not show it, for a really long time. And, it worked! We've been together for 13 months now.

The problem is, however, that now that we're serious and I know that he loves me back, I still have this habit of keeping my distance. It's a little hard after so long to really express my feelings of love without feeling the fear and hesitation I have cultivated.

But, I guess I don't have much to complain about. This is the far-and- away best, most functional relationship I've ever had (not to mention the longest). I have time to work through my bad habits, because for the first time in a relationship, I really believe my partner wants to be there and isn't looking to leave soon.

-- Anonymous, February 15, 2000


Blech! Affection! Icky!

-- Anonymous, February 15, 2000


Affectionate only in private and only when I know it is reciprocated. My best friend (male) and I joke that it is our New England heritage that makes us veklempt (sp?). You know "no PDA".

-- Anonymous, February 15, 2000

To quote from Rent: "I don't own emotion -- I rent."

Which is admittedly sad.

-- Anonymous, February 15, 2000


Things tend to be pretty intense, once anybody gets close. Of course, right now most of my friendships are taking place online, which does cool things down a lot.

What Beth K. said really sounds true for me, as well... I had a group of fairly affectionate friends, we drifted, and I wasn't going to keep trying to stay in touch when they weren't. And things were so intense with that group, that I've kind of shied away from getting that involved with friends since... Once I start getting a whiff of drama, I want to run away.

I think I want my friendships to be fairly balanced, neither cold nor intense. And I think most of the ones I have fall in that category. But in romance, it's almost always intense, no matter how much I try to make it more maneagable. And if it's not, I look back on it afterwards wondering what the point was.

-- Anonymous, February 15, 2000


Historically, I always placed great value on intensity, in all aspects of life. Life generally seems really rather drab, and intensity seems to make things more worthwhile. I don't know if I still feel this way. I recently ended a 10 year relationship, precisely because I didn't think it had the intensity I wanted. While I wouldn't go back on that decision now, I do get the sense that nothing is quite so simple....

-- Anonymous, February 15, 2000

like mike above, i have a hard time with long term committment. i love all my friends dearly, and most of my exes, but i tend to lose myself in relationships (which, no matter how i plan them, are always incredibly intense and time consuming. luckily the current boy is really understanding about my need to do schoolwork before hanging out with him, and while he's in the middle of a badly timed fit of annoying self indulgent, our relationship is unusually surprisingly healthy) and end up breaking them off when i realize that i have. it's like - i turn into this other person when i'm dating someone, and it's not always a good thing. so my emotions run strong, but i always have to curb them (return them?) somewhere, generally not a good place, either. to quote my favorite band that no one's ever heard of, blue october:

i've got this post dramamtic thing
i've got this tattoo of a ring that lies
around my wedding finger and that's where i want
to state this claim
that i've got to learn to live and dream
before i go and get myself in love

i don't remember that often enough. i lose myself and the intensity with which i head into my relationships is usually not healthy. intensity is good, but not always.

-- Anonymous, February 16, 2000


Oh god, not at all. It is the saddest thing. I am the least bit affectionate. Someone called me caring once and I was so blow away it was scary. They said that I always did the right thing. Its because I never know the right thing to say and I'll end up saying something REALLY mean. I'm a zombie.

-- Anonymous, February 18, 2000

To tell you the truth, I'm in great need and desire affection. But I find it hard to come by, even though I have a boyfriend and a long time guy friend/possible lover. It makes no sense and it's horrible. I try to communicate to them the importance and need of affection and they fial to realize it. I'm an affectionate person, but not intensly affectionate because I'm affraid of being pushed away often.

-- Anonymous, May 16, 2001

Since this topic's risen from the dead, what the hell.

I relate muchly to what Patrick and Beth K. said long ago. I want affection and I want it NOW, dammit. After finally having a relationship in which I could be affectionate, I miss it a lot. But what the heck can I do when everyone else is cold and reserved and casual and doesn't give a damn? Nothing. I wish I hadn't had that relationship in a way because before then I was used to being cold to everyone, and now it's more unnatural to me.

You know, I think the vast majority of people out there really don't want someone who's very affectionate and non-casual about things. I think it must drive them nuts or something, but on the other hand I hate pretending I don't care when I do. Bleech.

-- Anonymous, May 17, 2001


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