Come on, share with the group.

Or in the alternative, what's the funniest sex toy you've ever seen? I once saw an ad for this creepy little plastic face mask (with cut outs for the eyes and mouth), with a vibrating tongue. I forget what it was called, but it looked like a death mask. You were supposed to, er, sit on it. I suppose it would have been a real turn on if you'd often fantasized about getting head from a dead guy. Or a dead guy's face, as it were.

I also have a really hilarious shareware computer game that features disembodied sex parts, and you're supposed to put them together. It's from about 1994 and the graphics are terrible, which is part of what makes it so hilarious. I hope it wasn't intended to actually arouse anyone.

-- Anonymous, January 05, 2000

Answers

Actually, my mom DOES read this...

-- Anonymous, January 05, 2000

Alright. I'll be the first to jump in because I got the cutest little "vibrator starter kit" from a dear friend for Christmas.

It's from Good Vibrations and came with not one but TWO vibrators. One is of the rocket variety (I think that's what they call them). It's long and spherical. The other is a little silver egg with a cord running to a little control box that reminds me of the light switches on old hanging lamps from the 70's. Those and a she was sweet enough to include a variety of lubes just to see what I dig best.

Hands down the best Christmas present this little Jewish girl got all year!

-- Anonymous, January 05, 2000

The hands-down creepiest "sex toy" out there is the so-called "real doll" (http://www.realdoll.com/) Have you seen these things? They cost $5,000 (yes, you read that right) and they actually LOOK almost real except for the vacuous look in their eyes (kinda like Denise Richards) (*mwrowr!*) Freaky as Hell. Men buy them and dress them in real clothes, and take pictures and make up stories about them. Ick.

http://www.bitchypoo.com/bitchypoo.html

-- Anonymous, January 05, 2000

Oh Jackie I am jealous of the egg thing. seriously. one day i'm going to get one of those. They sound cool.

And that is about the only thing I'm going to reveal on this subject.

-- Anonymous, January 05, 2000

Beth, you know my mom DOES read your page. Maybe she won't read this forum topic, though....(that's a hint mom....well, ok, but you've been warned).

Since I moved to the Bay Area, I've collected several sex toys. My favorite is my now-deceased "Nubby" which was a little turquoise vibrating dolphin that you were supposed to strap on (not that the straps were big enough to hold it in place). He had a pointy little nose and little nubbies on his tummy, and a powerful shake that...well, ahem. Unfortunately, this is one of those vibes that is controlled by a cord attached to a battery pack and sliding button (to control how much vibration you get), and the wires are so thin that they shorted out after about 9 months of use. When I went to replace him, I had to face facts (it's a bad design, ultimately), so I bought a little pocket-rocket that was designed in Japan and is all one piece (with a AA battery inside). Not quite the same as Nubby, and I have to keep a Costco-size pack of AA's by the bed, but it'll probably last a lot longer than my poor, dear Nubby.

I think I'll skip the butt toys just in case Mom does read this ;-).

In the past year, I finally bought a leather strap-on harness and a nice silicon dildo to go in it. The toys, when worn together, would proabably make you giggle (David offered me $50 to walk out nude, wearing only this get- up, to show my housemates. He recinded the offer when I started to open the door. Damn. Oh, and David would probably want you to know that he's only SEEN this getup, never, er, experienced it.). I've only "used" these things together once, but that once was enough to give me a newfound respect for the male part of the sex act. That's a lot of freakin' work! It is quite the mind-game, too, being the fucker instead of the fuckee (though I'd hardly say I'm passive in the female role). No wonder men often have such a dominating attitude...

As you can probably tell, I've no problem with using and encouraging the use of sex toys. I personally think a lot of people are too uptight about sex, and discovering a sex toy is a great, private way of opening up a bit. I know there are a lot of weirdo toys out there, but I have to give them credit for trying. A coworker told me of a dream she had about a bright blue bust of a man with his head facing upwards. In her dream, she sat on the face, and the tongue came out and worked it's magic, and she bought one right there. I suggested she put in safety bars, for balance in the heat of the moment, but it doesn't sound like such a bad idea. I have to admit, I like my toys to look more like toys than the real thing (my dildo is blue and white swirls instead of "nude"), and I have a whole page of ranting I could do about "Real Doll" (hey, Beth, did you see the Jerry Springer Saturday night where two men were fighting over a Real Doll? "She's my Babey!" "No, she wants to be with ME now!" Scary stuff!). I especially like toys designed and made by women.

By the way, you can order most sex toys (and certainly the one I've mentioned here) at Blowfish or Good Vibrations. Good Vibes has a store in Berkeley and San Francisco, and their sales staff is open, unashamed, and very, very helpful.

-- Anonymous, January 05, 2000

Hitachi Magic Wand, no doubt about it.

Last time I was at Good Vibrations they didn't have them in stock - difficulties with their supplier. A nation of anxious women wait for satisfaction. Now I know what we should have been hoarding for Y2K instead of all that water and canned food.

-- Anonymous, January 05, 2000

Do dogs count?

(and yes that was a JOKE!!! I'm a veterinarian and don't date my clients nevermind my patients! )

-- Anonymous, January 05, 2000

I don't really have one. Which is not suprising - I don't think many men are big on sex toys. Anyone care to prove me wrong?

-- Anonymous, January 05, 2000

I knew there had to be someone out there who would appreciate that mask thing, so I'll stop making fun of it now.

And I realized as soon as I wrote the front page this morning that we do have at least three mother/daughter sets reading this page. Hi, Mom!

(I'm with Heather on the toys vs. real thing issue, as far as looks go. Bright green with sparkles? I'm there. Veins and a healthy pink glow? Eesh.)

-- Anonymous, January 05, 2000

Oh, yeah, I didn't want to put this on the front page of the log, but I figure anyone who reads this topic has fair warning. This is from that review of sex toys from Spectator Magazine:

The ad: Private Pussy - molded directly from Private video star Beate's actual vagina! With the revolutionary Scent of a Woman Lubricant included! Multi-speed vibrating vagina! Vaginal walls lined with nubby pleasure bumps! Soft, realistic pubic hair! Never has a headache! Never says no! Wash thoroughly before and after each use.

The review: As rubber pussies go, this one seems pretty nice, but we note that Beate's vulva was used to mold it, not her vagina. The vagina is the inside part - the part that should not have nubby pleasure bumps on a real live woman. Women with such bumps ought to go to the doctor immediately.
...
Unlike a real vagina, you can blow into it, and it makes kind of a hooting noise which is pretty cool. (In real life, of course, this would be dangerous.) We discovered this right before Robert attempted oral sex on the item (see photo). I tried giving her a lick, too, but did not feel that this adequately compared with the real thing.

The rest of the review is here.

-- Anonymous, January 05, 2000

Heather, am I supposed to draw a connection between your moving to the Bay Area and suddenly acquiring sex toys galore? :) No, no, just kidding - you've heard me say in person that San Francisco was one of the few places in the country where I had finally found a sexual climate I was comfortable with.

I'm a male, under this skirt (alas) - Beth doesn't want me to tell anyone this, but she FINALLY yesterday made the connection between Columbine, the journaller, and Todd, the sex writer. [grin] And, as a confirmed deviant, I have LOTS of sex toys. So some men do like them, okay? (I agree though that Realdoll is creeeeepy, and I'm not easily frightened off.)

Rather than try to pick a favorite toy, I will instead refer you to my fiancee and co-editor's comments on the Salon article, which we posted this morning to our sex/gender site.

http://www.mouthorgan.com/200001/thread006.htm has the item and any comments which may have been posted after that. To get to the main line of items (in case you want to see more of what we're up to), go back to the top: http://www.mouthorgan.com/

-- Anonymous, January 05, 2000

I took a look at that Real Doll site- My God.

I am having trouble finding words to describe my reaction- corpse... object... ULTRA creepy! I really believe I am going to be haunted by the images of those dolls!

I also imagine the words "nubby pleasure bumps" will involuntarily flash across my mind while I am in public, and I will giggle like a fool and no one will understand why, even if I try to explain. How would I explain?

-- Anonymous, January 05, 2000

The best toy is at www.ibrator.com AND it has a USB! No more daisy chaining.

-- Anonymous, January 05, 2000

Agree with Columbine/Todd about the climate in SF, which is one of the many reasons I chose to come here (both literally and figuratively) as soon as I was legal (many many moons ago).

As for sex toys... well, I'm not interested in them anymore, and just prefer the lowest-tech experience possible. I have my reasons. :)

-- Anonymous, January 05, 2000

In truth... um, I always get much more excited by the _idea_ of sex toys than by the actuality. Not that I've tried more than a couple (the good ones are too expensive) but that's been the case so far.

Take vibrators; is this what women really want? I felt as though a swarm of bees was trapped in my box. The rhythm was all wrong, on all settings. Then, those butt things... looks exciting, truth is, it's just _weird_.

On reflection, think I'd have to go for "well-written erotica" (unfortunately, such is my disease that a grammatical error will catch my eye even in the heat of -- um, anyway...)

or perhaps, best of all, "my imagination."

Sigh. I'm so vanilla.

-- Anonymous, January 05, 2000

So I used to work for Andersen Consulting.

And then I quit to go be the online marketing director for a sex toy company.

And I've seen some crazy things.

It's a hard call, but I think the singularly most bizarre thing I've ever seen us sell is, wow, that's hard. To be honest, I spend a large portion of my day sitting around the office with people trying to figure out how to use some of the toys we have. I'd be hard pressed to pick between the 11" dildo and the cyberskin replicas of porn stars vaginas.

I have made some wonderful discoveries there though. My personal favorite is my dolphin shaped g-spot vibrator.

Long live sex toys!

-- Anonymous, January 05, 2000

My preferred sex toy? Well, you can't go too far wrong with your own hand. Other than that, the battery-operated vagina is probably the one which has always intrigued me the most. I can understand the probable idea behind itif women can get artificial vibrating male genitals to play with, surely men can have the same (well, female genitals at least)but the first time I saw one I was, frankly, dumbstruck at the very thought. I think working in an adult shop would be terribly interesting, you'd get a great insight into how tragic some people can be which is why I've always been reluctant to go into them myself, since I don't particularly want to provide that insight myself

http://www.geocities.com/jgwr/

-- Anonymous, January 05, 2000

Katharine, I'm unfortunately with you on the bad grammar. But I also critique the sex. I've tried reading erotica ... oh, hell, we don't have any erotica in this house; I mean PORN and nothing but ... aloud to Jeremy, but I always have to interrupt with editorial comments. "Love hole? Who talks like that?" Or, "Okay, I just have to interrupt for a second -- how come the women in these stories always go bananas over 'tongue fucking'? That's kind of, um, missing the point. So to speak." And finally: "Jesus christ, have any of these writers actually had sex? With a real live woman, I mean?"

So we don't do that very often.

-- Anonymous, January 05, 2000

I'm not going to tell you what I got, but let's just say I had a very merry Christmas this year.

Batteries not included.

-- Anonymous, January 05, 2000

The toys that cause my kids to fall asleep. Early.--Al of Nova Notes.

-- Anonymous, January 05, 2000

Lizzie, I'm with you. Hitachi Magic Wand all the way.

Why fuss with toys that break after a week and batteries that always run low at very inopportune times? With the Magic Wand, you just plug in and you are THERE! It has two speeds, but the high speed is a little too intense for me.

Unfortunately my trusty Hitachi now has a short in the cord so I'm going to be scouting the planet looking for the wench who's wisely invested in stockpiling Wands. Life must be pretty interesting in THAT bomb shelter.

-- Anonymous, January 06, 2000

I have to confess, I never understood the big deal with vibrators. Until, uh, I tried one. Wow.

Have you seen the commercials for the "Fukuoku" on TV where they show women applying it to their sore neck muscles? Snicker.

I highly recommend the "Twice as Nice" selection at Good Vibrations' web site (not all of us are lucky enough to live in the Bay Area), at the bottom of this page. Takes a little getting used to the animal shapes, but they are more appealing than the simulated penises. Though I have to say the Samurai on that same page is awfully cute.

Ahem.

-- Anonymous, January 06, 2000

Well, you surely didn't think I would skip reading this topic now did you, my darling daughter? I'm ok with reading about it....in fact, just got somewhat of an education. You should have taken me to the Good Vibrations store when I was out there in Berkeley...just to windowshop of course! I'm definitely from a generation that would not talk about it....that's private. But I think it's nice that the younger generation can be less repressed. I do stay away from your publication, "Clean Sheets" though since the time I almost choked when I decided to sneak a peek at the table of contents page! Mom

-- Anonymous, January 06, 2000

Sorry...looking at it now (just above)....it sounds like I am Xeney's mom talking. I'm Heather's mom....(way up above)

-- Anonymous, January 06, 2000

I think the most horrifying dildo I ever saw was a life-size latex heavily muscled arm with the hand curled into a fist. I don't understand the fascination with fistfucking in the first place, but the dildo was just so HUGE. I can't imagine anyone actually enjoying that. The only thing comparable to me is childbirth and a woman is decidedly pushing that OUT.

The weirdest ones are some of the animal ones on Good Vibrations like the kangaroo. It reminds me too heavily of the stories of Richard Gere stuffing gerbils up his butt.

Um, and most men like vibrators just fine -- just not necessarily penetrative ones.

-- Anonymous, January 06, 2000

I know men who have an interest in vibrators or who enjoy using them sometimes, but in my experience, none of them are as crazy about them as some women are. I think the reason is simply that a lot of women have a hard time coming while fewer men have any difficulty.

There are lots of women who can't come with just their hand, but require the stronger sensation of a vibrator. Some women never orgasm till they use the machine.

So thank god for small motors.

-- Anonymous, January 06, 2000

my vibrator. love it. love it alone. love it with my husband.

I too need the Cosco size box of batteries.

I have been known(when I need a...um...release) to collect every remote or battery operated appliance in the house, and empty out the batteries until I find one with enough "juice" left to satisfy me.

I am definately going to check out the magic wand.

-- Anonymous, January 06, 2000

Question: what precisely is the difference between "erotica" and "porn"? This is something I've never quite got

http://www.geocities.com/jgwr/

-- Anonymous, January 06, 2000