Have limited resources, notified of 86 yr old uncle funeral. My last Uncle. Will cost me $200.00 to make the trip ($200.00 can buy a lot of rice). My family will dis-credit me if I don't attend. Please someone help me through the human ritual of funerals, in view of the potential danger, Thank you

-- Nana (drac@mediaone.net), October 26, 1999

Answers

If you were particularly close to this man, $200 bucks may be a meager condolence. Otherwise, say a few prayers for him and tell the rel's you cought the flu and were going at both ends.

-- a (a@a.a), October 26, 1999.

Nana, I totally agree with A on this one. I think your Uncle in Heaven would be the first one to want you to be safe at home with lots of rice versus going to his funeral. You can love him and send good wishes to him from your home. Your relatives will understand when you tell them you are not feeling well (flu, whatever). Do what your heart tells you.

-- Debi (LongTimeLurker@shy.com), October 26, 1999.

borrow the money,pay it back next year

-- zoobie (zoobiezoob@yahoo.com), October 26, 1999.

Do for the living what you can't do for the dead.

-- bardou (bardou@baloney.com), October 27, 1999.

Nana, In another thread you asked me to come here and answer this for you. I can not answer it for you. I could only answer it for myself. It would depend upon my relationship with my uncle and with other family members. I would have to take into consideration, to some degree, how they would take my absence, if it were necessary to be absent.

On the other hand, you have priorities to consider. You are the only one who can judge your own situation.

Without waxing religious, or insulting you, Christ said "Let the dead bury the dead". The context was an individual who wanted to leave, instead of following Christ, in order to attend a funeral. Christ maintained that HIS business was what was important. In other words, in that case, God's bussines does not 'merely' take priority, it is everything.

So, I think that God is interested in not only having you try to deal properly and respectfully with family members but also to make sure that your priorities are in the right place.

What your priorites are, is something best decide by you. You may feel that the trip would deprive you and your family of some significant part of your preparations. You may feel that you have an obligation to your immediate family first. Is that more important than not attending the funeral and rubbing someone the wrong way? You have to settle that score in your own mind.

I could very easily tell you what I would do, but that would be what **I** would do in **MY** circumstances, and it may vey well not bear on what **YOU** ought to do in your circumstances.

I know that didn't help at all. I am Sorry.

Best,

Paul

-- Paul Milne (fedinfo@halifax.com), October 27, 1999.

Nana: I speak as someone who just lost a VERY close family member within the past 6 months.

I would first consider that you must be true to everyone, including your uncle, and if that means praying to him for forgiveness for not attending his funeral, so be it. He would understand.

As for the family, how shallow are they that they would disown you for pleading poverty as a reason for missing the funeral? You will note that I don't recommend saying you have the flu, or some other excuse; just tell them you cannot afford it.

Or can you? Perhaps you can borrow it, or charge to a credit card. After all, next year, you may not have to repay it! Life must go on. Your uncle would certainly understand that.

-- profit of doom (doom@helltopay.ca), October 27, 1999.

Interesting. Some are more pragmtic than I. this is taking some thought. I would have to evaluate my responsibility to provide support to the rest of the family for the time around the funeral, and my familial duty. I would have to balance that against the preparations that might be done.

One thing, if I DID decide not to go. I would IMMEDIATELY, during the time of the funeral, go out and SPEND the money and the time to DO THE PREPS, that I was mentally assigning the money to. I would HAVE to in order to be true to myself, my family and my uncle.

Anything else becomes simply looking for an excuse not to go to a funeral, (which I rank right up there with a root canal for comfort) and is therefor an exercise in intelectual dishonesty.

Chuck

-- Chuck, a night driver (rienzoo@en.com), October 27, 1999.

Nana,

I'm probably a little older than you. Gone through losing my parents, grandparents, uncle and aunt. I believe it most important to spend time with the living, not visit the dead. I feel best about my mother who I spent her final days with and worst about my father who I didn't speak long to on our final (to my surprise and sorrow) conversation, but went to the funeral.

Two years ago, knowing Y2K was coming and bad, I spent the resources to go on a cruise with my brothers and sisters. Dec 16, I am going to spend $1000 going to my son's graduation and meeting his "girlfriend's" family.

So if the relatives that are going to be there are important to you, go and share your preps with them, otherwise take A's advice and get the flu.

-- ng (cantprovideemail@none.com), October 27, 1999.

Nana,

My Dad died a few weeks ago; I was VERY lucky in that I was able to see him & be with him, as well as be with my brother to bury him. I can't express my gratitude for that, especially the time I had with him before he went.

After, when we were making the funeral arrangements, we were getting into quite a tangle of trying to accomodate everyone's needs & opinions, as well as respecting Dad's wishes. After what seemed like hours of struggling, we suddenly remembered something important. Funerals are rituals for the living, not the dead. We (all people) bury our dead in such and such a way in order to get OURSELVES through this 'rite of passage' - to say goodbye, to grieve, to reassure ourselves that there is life after death, etc. and a reason to go on living.

Having said all that, Nana, I will bestow upon you my advice (not that you asked, but ain't you lucky!?):

If you feel that your family needs you to be there, to provide support that would be sorely missed if you were absent, then go. It's hard to sleep when you know you've let someone down when they really needed you. If, on the other hand, you would be spending the $200 just to keep them from being mad at you and becoming a black sheep, hey, black is beautiful. Uncle knows you loved him, better now than through any possible demonstration or words you ever gave him before or could give him now.

I'll shut up now. I hope this helps. It's a tough call, I know. Just remember that whatever you decide, you'll be making the best decision you can make. That's all anyone can do.

-- Arewyn (isitth@latealready.com), October 27, 1999.

Nana..Les here...Charge it, and get a-little somthing for your-self, I think you will find some time next year Visa will forgive your debt, when they no-longer know your there...---...

-- Les (yoyo@tolate.com), October 27, 1999.

Funerals are much more important in some parts of the country than in others. I live in South Florida and many people are cremated without funerals. Several of my neighbors have died over the years and none have had funerals. I have never travelled to a distant city for the funeral of an aunt or uncle, and no one seemed to be offended. However, I realize that your situation may be different.

-- Dave (dannco@hotmail.com), October 27, 1999.

I learned a long time ago to not to do what others considered my duty, if I felt it would cause a hardship to me, my spouse, and children. My life has become a lot easier since my relatives know their expectatiions of what I should do or not do is not a big concern of mine anymore.

-- Carol (glear@usa.net), October 27, 1999.