I am very sure that i am in love with my girlfriend, at least i think i am, this has never happened before. (never had a girlfriend before, for that matter. she likes me, a lot, we talk about everything, marriage, the future, etc., but she says she doesn't know whether she loves me or not, and every time i think about it, there is a little niggling at the back of my mind that this is all to perfect, to good to be true, and somehow she is just humouring me. But surely if i truly loved her i wouldn't be so questioning and anxious? i don't know.

-- Anonymous, September 23, 1999

Answers

Well, you don't mention how old you and your girlfriend are, or how long you've been together. First relationships can be pretty intense. The little nagging doubts are all perfectly natural though. Why not just relax and enjoy being with your girlfriend, and not try to rush the love-thing? Overanalyzing and putting pressure on yourself to define every feeling usually only causes problems.

-- Anonymous, September 23, 1999

Being questioning and anxious doesn't mean it's not love. It does mean you're human. This doesn't mean you should ignore the doubts, since they can tell you about problems before they get out of hand. But try to figure out what you are actually questioning. Are you doubting if you love her, or if she loves you?

But don't rush to decide if it's "love" or not. It's really not something that you should decide at all, actually. If it is, it is. If it's not, it's not. And you really can't change it. And in the end, you usually only know if it was or not when it's over. We only get the definition through experience.

-- Anonymous, September 24, 1999

It looks like you have two questions--one about how to recognize love and one about whether things are really too good to be true. In a lot of ways, the first answer depends on the second answer--plenty of people love (or think they love?) somebody until that somebody starts treating them badly.

In my relationships I tend to focus on the second question, because that's trickier. One important issue is time. You can never fully know somebody, but I think you can eventually get to know them well enough to discover whether things are too good to be true. For me, the minimum amount of time necessary to do this is 6 months. (Of course, with more interaction, you may have a clue after as little as 4 months, and with less interaction it could take much longer).

A second issue is what kind of data you are getting. Is the other person always telling the truth about everything--if they are telling you something you don't want to hear, that's probably the truth. The one thing about dorks with no tact is that you always know where you stand with them. That's the kind of guy I like to date (sociable, fun dorks!). If you are with someone who is afraid to let you know what they think, this could take forever, so you will definitely need to have conversations with their friends and relatives, keeping in mind that of course those people have their own biases.

Third is how well you are listening. I have always been quite paranoid and always looking for all the bad qualities of a person so that I could evaluate whether those are the kinds of bad qualities I don't mind.

I'm sure there are other issues, but those are the ones that come to mind.

To me the most important question is whether the other person and I are right for each other. I think you can love each other and still not be right for each other--you need to have certain things in common. I have strong feelings about rationality, religion, and whether to have children, for example, so I really need to agree witha a future spouse about those things. I'm also extremely frugal and a picky eater, so I will have to find someone who can understand those things. You need to agree about general life goals and about things that you can't get from other relationships (e.g., sex, kids).

And now back to your actual question. I think there are two parts to love: the selfish side and the selfless side. I think you need both. What I call the selfish side is where you really, really want to be around the person, and you are happier (and maybe even better) for knowing that person. With the last guy I went out with, this felt like rose-colored glasses, but then I realized it's because we have the same sense of humor: he actually appreciates my jokes, and not only laughs at them, but builds on them. I appreciate this, and build up on that. So we are always able to get into a fun, happy discussion, even if we are not doing anything particularly fun. That's the most extreme this feeling has been for me.

The selfless side is where you really care about the other person and want to do whatever it takes to make them happy. I'm never as extreme as some of the pop songs about this--I would commit suicide if it allowed him to find a better barber--but within reason. This is the part of love that allows you to make compromises. Seeing the other person happy automatically makes you happy. Of course, if it's always one way, then it's not a good relationship (at least, not to me--I know of several knight-in-shining-armor/fairy-princess relationships where virtually all of the compromising is done by one partner and they're both very happy. I think each person is different about this.)

I think usually I notice that it's love when I first notice that caring-about-the-other-guy's-happiness part of it. One time I noticed it when a guy I was dating, who I had thought was not the type to get serious, told me he loved me. That admission was like permission to love him, and it felt like I suddenly allowed myself to realize that I actually did love him. And with the last guy I was just so happy whenever I was with him that I suspected love. After 4 months it felt like 6, and month after month it kept feeling like rose-colored glasses. Even after I knew about the fits and the laziness and the video-game addiction and the near lack of cooking skills.

You may have to take some of this with a grain of salt--I'm 36, still unmarried. I didn't go on my first date until college, so I started late, but there is some evidence that I am being too picky. That's fine with me--I prefer staying single longer to getting into a mediocre marriage. And since I don't want kids, I don't have any biological clock worries.

Some other possibly relevant issues--it is unlikely, though possible, that your first love will be the right person for you. (The overly rational strategy is to wait until you have met about a third of the people you think you will ever meet. By them you have some real data about what kinds of relationships are possible for you. Then, marry the next cool one that comes along.)

Also, it sounds like your girlfriend might feel pressured by your declarations of love. When I'm pressured, I really wish I loved the guy back, but I can't make stuff happen. I think people move along at different speeds. In order to compromose, it's good to take turns taking initiative. There are several common forms of initiation: who flirts first, who asks the other one out first, who holds hands first, who initiates the first kiss, who first brings up topics like sex, children, religion, and meeting the parents, who first declares love, who proposes marriage, etc. If you've been doing all of this, just hold back and let things stay as they are for a while or even go backwards a little until she gets a chance to take some initiative. That can ease the pressure.

Again, that advice comes with grains of salt. I'm female and I think I'm in the generation that is most egalitarian in these issues--I think around 25% of all first dates are initiated by the female (that's still not good enough! It should be 50%! Asking people out is scary and hard!). I've noticed, however, that many, many people who are ten years younger than me live in a different world--many of the women, even the super-outgoing ones, would never ask a guy out, and many of the men have never ever been asked out by a woman. So if you're in that generation, things get more subtle--there are ways a woman can show she's ready to move on without actually doing any of the stereotypically male stuff. I don't know what those things are--I'm one of those dorks with no tact. I pretty much have to say everything directly and beg my guy to do the same because I don't notice hints.

Well, that's a lot of spewing--hopefully something helpful, or at least interesting, was in there.

-- Anonymous, September 24, 1999