John #6's Story : LUSENET : Domestic Violence Accounts : One Thread

John 6's Story

I am not sure where to began because I have such a long story and I like to keep things short and to the point.

I weigh 265 pounds and am solidly built. I work as a plumber and play on weekends as a cowboy. I guess you wouldn't consider this as a resume' for someone who is abused by his wife.

When I met my wife she seemed to be a very sweet person. someone who I would want to be the mother to my children. I have custody of son and daughter who my first wife abandoned. Things went very well for the first year, but then my wife became very moody at times. I can remember the first time that she tried hurting me. We were having an argument and I followed her up some stairs and she pushed me from the top. The stairs were very steep and I could of hurt myself bad if I had not grabed the rail. She started to cry and apologize for almost killing me. That was the last time I heard an apologize.

When on vacation the next year she grabed my throat with her long finger nails and scratched my neck. It didn't hurt me much but I didn't purchase the family photos we had taken the next day cause the marks on my neck showed up in the photo.

I was very hurt by her actions and almost ended the marriage because of this and some of her very cruel remarks. She promised to do better and things again went well for another year. As all this was happening I was beginning to take mental note of my wife and her actions, I was confused but knew it was her and not me that was the problem. Later on that year it came to a head. My wife was very cruel. Me and my kids would hide in our rooms to avoid her, when she would come to bed I would leave and sleep on the couch. Finally I said I had enough I asked her to leave. She left and the police came and served me papers. I was accused of all kinds of things that I was not aware of. I had never been to court for anything other than a traffic ticket so I was very humiliated and hurt. I broke down like a complete fool in front of everyone. I am sure now that everyone in court thought it was from the guilt I felt for being abusive. They had no idea how betrayed and ashamed I felt for being in front of a judge. I had always been taught not to hit girls this was a very strick code of my growing up and of being a man in the eyes of my family so you can imagine the shame I felt.

My wife felt ashamed to because of my "display" and dropped the charges a few weeks later. Went to mental health and was diagnosed with Bi-polar. I accepted this as her trying and took her back into my life.

Her illness has since gotton worse, I think that there is more wrong than just bi-polar she would accuse me of laughing at her and talking about her. I get cold chills up my spine thinking about this cause I just was not doing these things. Every small disagreement would become a fight even if kept my mouth shut and agreed with everything she said I still had a wrong attitude. She would end the argument by saying she was going to kill herself and jump in her car and drive off. Not long later she did end up in a mental ward for trying to kill herself. I was heartbroken because I loved her very much. Her medication was changed and things seemed to work for a while, up until now.

She was never as nice to my children as she should have been but now it became worse. I made her leave after she threw a chair at my daughter.

I was again accused of abuse and ordered to stay away from her. She has threatened me saying that she would burn down my house while I and the kids were asleep. I live in great fear of this. I took this to the police saying that it was a terroristic threat but they just said that I was playing games and that my wife would never do it. I have been through the mill with the police, violence intervention, and social services. I have become wise in ways that I wish I hadn't. I sleep with one eye open because I am afraid of my wife and her delusions. My savings are gone from paying doctors and lawyers and me and the kids are living on beans and weenies and the good graces of my family hoping that this will all go away. So who is abused, the 265 lbs macho guy with the cowboy hat or the short chubbie little woman who seems so cute?

I can't say I love my wife any more but I feel compassion for her because her mental illness seemed to eat up the person she used to be. The people I am angry with are the ones who seem to believe what she says because it is politically correct to do so and because SHE could never do those kinds of things to someone like me.

-- Anonymous, August 08, 1999


Dear Jade:

You can't imagine how moved I was by your letter. I am a woman who recenly ended a relationship with another woman, who was also violent ---like your wife.

When I met her, I never suspected such a thing as "a female batterer" (especially being a woman myself). Her beautiful smile and charming personalty, certainly offered no evidence of her deep, dark side.

But as time progressed, her strange, irrational arguments started me thinking, that something was just not right. And I eventually spent some days curled up on the cold tile floor-- sobbing and alone after an early morning beating before she left for work among some other creative lessons.

Recently-- as I stood in the waiting room of the place where I attend group meetings, I saw a woman pinch and slap and publicly humiliate and then hug and kiss the man she was with. It sent chills up my spine and I had to move away from them. ----------------------------------------------------------- Women can be abusive too and they will get away with it, as long as the courts do not begin to recognize the facts. -----------------------------------------------------------

But what is more important for you to remember is that not "all" women are abusive or evil or mentally ill. I might do me well to remember that too. ===========================================================

It's been four months now, since I'm living independently-- and I have surprised myself to say the least-- I've bounced back financially, just fine. And I am continuously creating and enhancing a safe and progressive environment for myself which I fill with my own interests and discoveries. -----------------------------------------------------------

I wish you the best of everything -- most of all with your kids.

You're welcome to contact me any time @ my E-mail address above.



-- Anonymous, August 31, 1999

Oops, I should say that I posted this for someone else who wanted to be anonymous. I've had my own (different but in some ways similar) experiences with an abusive relationship, but this is not my own account, it is "John 6"'s.

-- Anonymous, September 01, 1999

Actually, I think the true stereotype is the kind and gentle cowboy and I'm sure that's who you are at heart. I'm John #1 on this website and my "heart" goes out to you. Hang in there. Ron

-- Anonymous, March 01, 2002

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