Go placidly amid the rioters and refugees, and remember what safety there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on your guard with all persons. Shoot your gun efficiently and accurately; and listen for others, even the desperate and starving; they too want your food. Avoid armed and aggressive persons,they are vexations to your survival.If you consort with pollies, you may become desperate and hungry;for they will always be greater fools than yourself. Enjoy your rice as well as your beans. Keep interested in your own meals, however humble; they are real possessions in the collapsing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in all your affairs; for the world will be full of trickery, thievery, and murder. But let this not blind you to what virtue there will be, many persons will strive for high ideals; and everywhere life will be full of heroism.Be on guard. Especially, do not show weakness. Be cynical about love; for in the face of starvation and societal collapse it will be as genune as dead grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years,gracefully surrendering nothing to the unprepared hordes. Nurture strength of spirit and have lots of ammo to shield you from sudden misfortune.Be sure to distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears will be well grounded. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with no one. For everyone must pull his weight. You are a child of TEOTWAWKI, no less than the pollies and the sheeple; you have every right to horde your preperations. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt TEOTWAWKI is unfolding according to plan. Therefore be at peace with God, no matter how much you may blame Him, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of collapse, keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams,it is gonna be a hard world. Be careful.Strive to survive.

-- Ralph Kramden (and@awaywego.com), August 01, 1999

Answers

And it will be lonely and cold.

-- h (h@h.h), August 01, 1999.

Arf arf!

-- Andy (2000EOD@prodigy.net), August 01, 1999.

Wunnnderful, Mr. K,

I've always enjoyed Desiderata, as well as (and especially)the Deteriorata parody. This is easilly of that caliber. My nomination for the most creative parody ever to hit this board, arguably the best Y2K parody I've ever read.

Kudos, sir, and thanks for the laugh.

Hallyx

Deteriorata

Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof. Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep. Rotate your tires. Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself, and heed well their advice, even though they be turkeys. Know what to kiss, and when. Consider that two wrongs never make a right, but that three do. Wherever possible, put people on hold. Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment, and despite the changing fortunes of time, there is always a big future in computer maintenance.

Remember the Pueblo. Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle, and mutilate. Know yourself. If you need help, call the F.B.I. Exercise caution in your daily affairs, especially with those persons closest to you; that lemon on your left, for instance. Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most souls will scarcely get your feet wet. Fall not in love therefore; it will stick to your face. Gracefully surrender the things of youth; birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan. And let not the sand of time get into your lunch. Hire people with hooks. For a good time, call 606-4311. Ask for Ken. Take heart in the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting enough cheese. And reflect that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be worse in Milwaukee.

You are a fluke of the universe. You have no right to be here. And whether you can hear it or not, the universe is laughing behind your back.

Therefore, make peace with your god, whatever you conceive him to be -- hairy thunderer or cosmic muffin. With all its hopes, dreams, promises, and urban renewal, the world continues to deteriorate.

Give up.

-- (Hallyx@aol.com), August 01, 1999.

-- Ralph Kramden

"only the shadow knows"....pretty close to being a "shade".....

-- Charon (thatplace@downbelow.com), August 01, 1999.

Here is the real McCoy, worth a read;

Desiderata

Ray

-- Ray (ray@totacc.com), August 01, 1999.

Good heavens! Wasn't that from the TV Dinner album? And heavy shades of Firesign Theater (remember Marx and Lennon?), George Karlin, dayglo posters, black lights--well, you know! Great new parody on the old parody. LOL!

-- Old Git (anon@spamproblems.com), August 01, 1999.

Very fine, sir. Your name...it sounds familiar...

-- Spidey (in@jam.commie), August 01, 1999.

ROFLMAO.... I realy needed that. Thank you, the laugh is therapeutic, (now take a deep breath and repeat after me: I will prepare, not panic)....oh, may I please, Please share this? with Ralphs name or the moniker of whomever wishes to take the credit (or blame, if its read by pollies) with a few friends and my newsgroup? Pretty please, with pinto beans and freeze dried whipped cream on top?

-- LauraA (Laadedah@aol.com), August 01, 1999.

I think we're all Bozos on this bus...

-- Mr. Mike (mikeabn@aol.com), August 01, 1999.

Good chuckle... Ralph and Hallyx!

-- Diane J. Squire (sacredspaces@yahoo.com), August 01, 1999.

Ralph's post also reminds me a little of the recent novelty hit on the radio called Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen):

http://www.musiccapital.com/SiteGen3/Feature/99864/0/

Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '99:

Wear Sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year- olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding annversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half-chance. So are everybody else's.

Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do not read beauty magazines. They will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasise that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were noble, and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund. Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

-- Linkmeister (link@librarian.edu), August 01, 1999.

Jeez! Thanks for the kudos. Glad you all liked it.My ex used to say that I'm more clever when drunk; something about me being a very cunning linguist.And Laura! sure you can share this with whomever,don't spose you got anyone to spend the apocalypse with heh? I got this great survival cabin in the Oregon wilderness. It's a lot nicer then what Ted Kazinsky had in Montana. I'll bring the beans, rice and bullets, you bring the Kruggerrands.......Ah well...time to sober up and go pack more corn meal......as Beaver Cleaver used to say..."Keep the faith, baby!.....Regards, Ralph

-- Ralph Kramden (and@awaywego.com), August 01, 1999.

Actually,it was ELDRIDGE Cleaver that used to say that.

-- Ralph Kramden (and@awaywego.com), August 01, 1999.

Ralph: Many thanks, methinks it will lighten hearts all over today! No, I have noone to share this long walk into the cold dark paradigm, I go unencumbered forth-well, I'm a little cumbered, but they are young teens now and this spring have learned important life skills such as wood splitting and the care and feeding of compost piles. Latrine digging is on the fall calender of events. Alas, I'm a few krugerands short of one, but I can bring the goats, and some really, really big dogs, and my grain mill. Have stethoscope, will travel. If you have a solar powered air conditioner, its a done deal.

-- LauraA (Laadedah@aol.com), August 01, 1999.