Will the Y2K truth come out in the wash? ... by Karl Feilder

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Karl Feilder is one of the experts currently tracked by Russ Kelly. He has recently posted an 8.0 rating for y2k.

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Issue date: 8 July 1999

Article source: Computer Weekly News Will the Y2K truth come out in the wash?

KARL FEILDER Ground zero

Government 'laundry men' take spin to a new level, leaving everyone feeling more than a little dizzy

When I was a toddler I wasn't easy to placate, as I was reminded on a recent embarrassing visit to my mum's. Of course she had asked how Y2K was going and, with my blood pressure red-lining like a Porsche on heat, I tried to explain to her my sheer frustration. "Have you tried cheese and custard?" she asked. "That used to work when you were a baby." But no, I am beyond food as a remedy.

Then mum reminded me of my all-time favourite. I was brought up in a relatively poor suburb of what was to become the metropolis of Milton Keynes, and we had no TV - at least not until I was five or six. When I started to play up, my mum would sit me down on the kitchen floor, propped up by a couple of cushions, facing the washing machine. This would keep me quiet for the entire wash. By far the best bit was when the spin cycle started. Around and around the shirts and socks would go, while my head attempted to keep up.

Those who saw me in my late teens, a mop of hair shaking to the sounds of Whitesnake and Rainbow, would say that this is where the fun of head-banging really started. And this week it all happened again.

The prompt was a small article in Saturday's Times. According to the Financial Services Authority (FSA), "There is one financial firm that's certainly at risk of not achieving full year 2000 preparations" - a story which might have been missed were it not for the army of anorak-clad Y2K media watchers. Action 2000 jumped in, insisting the company should be named and shamed.

Then the laundry man appeared.

Here at last was a credible regulatory body actually admitting what many of us have long known. But the truth has little place in politics - it is dangerous and definitely not for unadulterated consumption by the masses.

I sat on the kitchen floor again and watched as the laundry man loaded the anoraks, press, FSA, and bank spokespeople into the washing machine, sprinkled some flower petals on the heap of grubby facts, and set it on full spin cycle.

First out of the wash, still a bit soggy, was the FSA spokesman. Commenting on awarding the financial institution his maximum "red alert" status, he said, "Red does not mean dead. It doesn't mean it's finished." Good, credible soundbite, and the reds didn't run at all in the wash. Next up was Action 2000, stating that they "have written to Treasury ministers". No hope of any pre-2000 washing powder coming from that side, then.

And what of the trusty anoraks? Have they wormed their way between the dirty knickers and found a person to leak the name of the company? Not yet. All that I have seen is disgruntled conjecture and disappointed cynicism.

So I called my own bank and spoke to their Y2K spokesperson, who did a great job of reading a classic, legally sanitised statement of eloquent double-speak. When he had finished, I asked him for his personal opinion on which washing powder washes whiter. Missing the joke entirely, he failed to observe that it depends on the spin speed. Of course, 2,000rpm would have been the best answer.

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Ray

-- Ray (ray@totacc.com), July 09, 1999

Answers

"anoraks"?

-- Lane Core Jr. (elcore@sgi.net), July 09, 1999.

"Anoraks" are British government officials.

-- Brit (Brit@home.com), July 09, 1999.

An anorak is an outer jacket worm by many Brits.

A lot of government officials wear them; hence the term "anorak".

-- Brit (Brit@home.com), July 09, 1999.


I thought an "anorak" was more like a dweeb or a trainspotter, or a kook. Or more like the Lone Gunmen in X-files, or maybe more like a dirty-old-man. It's vague and nuanced.

-- number six (Iam_not_a_number@hotmail.com), July 11, 1999.

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