Hi Peter,(posted 8817 days ago)To begin with, I agree with everyone that this is a nice portrait of a girl with beautiful facial features and hair. I would, however, like to add some comments that will hopefully help you in your pursuit to photograph for a modelling agency.
The primary interest an agency has in photographs is clear definition of the model's face, hair, and figure. From these information, the agency and potential clients can then decide on where the model has the "look" that is required for a particular project.
Therefore, this shot can be improved if the face is not draped by the parallel shadow lines. I personally think this type of shadow lines only work when they define or enhence the shape of her face. Next, the hair stylist can probably provide some help. Lastly, for the figure shot, select an outfit with a style that you think can be best brought out by your model's body type--not just what you like to see.
I know the frustration because I have been there before. I ended up turning away from the industry because I feel it is too limiting creatively. I continue to do, as a hobby, what the agencies call "magazine shots" which are not suitable for the agency's purposes.
Good luck.